I am stealing your life.

Lately I've been stealing people's Photobucket pictures. I know, I KNOW that this is wrong, but I love all these photos.

I almost never use the pictures derisively (with maybe the exception of the man having sex with a truck, which I didn't even notice at first). While many of the people in the pictures are not conventionally attractive, their faces and visual contexts are interesting to me.

So, I don't know, I'm morally conflicted about this. Violette Leduc said "Confession is an orgasm", but I feel no such resolution.

The amateurish Photobucket albums are gorgeous. These pictures are meaningful to someone, somewhere, moreso than a professional shot done by some person collecting a paycheck. Not you, Woneffe. But they are perfect!

So I'm sorry, people. I'm a thief. Of more than just hearts, I guess.

In the interest of fairness:

Bruce Springsteen only barely gets away with it.

The year is 2008. The ballpark in Allentown, Pennsylvania's finally finished. Civic pride is at an all-time high. The sketches of the ballpark entrance dotted with women in aprons holding the hands of their respective children, who are in turn holding balloon strings, have been made real. The sky is blue, the birds are singing, fathers are puffing pipes, and everyone is white.

There is no parking lot at the stadium, for everyone has their spaceship tethered to a platform in the sky. There are no hot dogs... only capsule food. And the baseball uniforms are made of shiny aluminum.

The Red Barons, who are currently going to freeze to death in Ottawa in 2007, should be all safe and snug in their new crib in 2008. The future. The year 2000, if you will. They're changing their name as well. I'm sure their new name will suck. I can only hope it does not contain the word "Dawgs".

The ballpark in Ottawa will likely take on a Can-Am League team. YEAH CAN-AM!!

Check this out:
"A subsurface soil investigation noted an approximately 30,000-square-foot area that contained some buried electronic parts and concentrations of chlorinated solvents, mercury, nickel and silver in the soil.

The site is being cleaned up under Pennsylvania's Act 2 voluntary cleanup program. Lehigh County is using an RLF grant from the City of Allentown to pay for environmental insurance for the project.
We plan to consolidate the contaminated soil, cap it and cover the cap with vegetation. This area won't be part of the stadium, but will be used for parking or greenspace..."
(from an EPA report)

Allentown is about an hour closer to Philly than S-W/B, so they have that going for them. I don't know much about Allentown, except that they're tearing all the factories down. I imagine it's a lot like Pawtucket. You know... dismal. But I like dismal! I'd go there just to watch Trot Nixon rehab.

The new park will have a 360 degree concourse and a tiki bar. It's currently the "Lehigh County Sports Complex" or something, but they're selling the naming rights.

Pawtuxet is not as good as Pawtucket.

A pair of Connecticut Defenders has been collected by the Twins. They are as follows: RHP Jesse "Randall" Floyd and third baseman Brian Buscher. Wow! All I can say is "Wow!" I get to see them on the Rochester Red Wings!

The SeaDogs will be in Norwich May 29-31st. I can make that drive, Chuck.

I'd buy Lowell Spinners tickets ASAP if I were me. They are as difficult to get as tix to the big team.

They're so ugly at that age.

I'm old. And stodgy. I admit it. I hate those little groups of annoying devil children that hang out at the library and laugh too much, or play with their cell phones at the ballpark.

One of the last things to develop in adolescents is the concept and action of song hatred. As in hating a song so much it causes a physical reaction. The recognition of execrable radio songs and no-talent vocalists. One of my earliest recollections of music actually making me angry was hearing "Supersonic" by JJ Fad played over and over at a teen drinking party. I was 16.

"Fergielicious" is the exact same song. You whippersnappers don't realize it, but it's true. Like your sophomore US History teacher said, compare and contrast.

Thanks for refreshing my pain, asshole. Seriously... the Black-Eyed Peas? Is this what passes for innovation?

Let's go, Mo!

The Pawtucket Red Sox box office is CLOSED until January 2nd. In other news, Boston defeated Toronto 6-2. They owe it all to Jack Clark's grand slam.

I noticed that they opened a little baseball shoppe in Pawtucket, right next to Ken Ryan's Baseball Acadamy. I drove by it this morning on my way to get bagels in Seekonk. It looks glorious. I never played baseball as a kid, never wore stirrups and pads and gloves and such. And that is why I am what I am today: a hardened criminal who still hasn't cleaned up the post-Xmas mess in her apartment.

Other store openings: a store on Broad street called El Rodeo, which'll sell Mexican style vaquero stuff. Hats, boots, shirts. The Mexican population in Central Falls is booming hardcore. Old French-Canadians were reported as saying, "Eeeehhhh" while waving their wrinkled hands in disgust. They're a little cranky since they announced the closing of Notre Dame, the last Acadian Catholic church in CF. I never went to French mass, but they had a wicked annual bazaar in which I won a plant. That I lost. Seriously, what the hell ever happened to that plant?

especially

The great G. Carlin has a list of people he could do without. Like guys who wear hats with a lot of little pins on them.

I like a lot of little pins. I do skewer my hat with them, but I also load up cardigans and pocketbooks and overcoats. I'm talking about baseball pins, mostly. I just bought a dyn-o-mite NY Mets Doug Mientkiewicz pin! Yeah, 16!

Baseball cards, I can take or leave. Sometimes I buy a pack. Then I leave them all over the place and step on them with muddy shoes or let the cat sweep them under the space heater. Got a book in an internet book swap and there was a cheapo Trot Nixon card wedged between the pages. I use it as a bookmark and as a constant reminder of what FEROCITENSITY looks like. Baseball cards also make handy coasters.

What I like best to save and savor are programs. That way I can go back and read them on a rainy day or a sunny day. Many of the programs were made by jerkwad interns and crammed with ads that are merely photocopied local business cards, but I love them just the same.

T-shirts and hats are nice, too, but that's an entirely different story altogether.

i swear i'll burn this whole city down

Jimmy Serrano. Ah, good ol' JS. Everytime I walked up the swirly, twirly ramp and past the Paws Pavilion over to the posted lineups at McCoy, there you were... dry-markered in. The night's starting pitcher. How uninteresting you were! How I longed for Abe Alvarez or Papelbon or Lester! Or maybe even Zink! But there you were, doggedly doing a decent job, hanging in, biding your time.
I took you for granted, Jimmy. I gave mounds of credit to Marc Deschenes for doing essentially the same thing you did. Was it because he was ruggedly handsome and you were just... rugged? Were your weasel-like features that off-putting? Did you have an overly graphics-heavy MySpace page?
Well, Serrano, I think you've been replaced. Meet RHP Adam Bernero. He's a righty, like you were. Originally signed by the Tigers. Been up and down and around. Pitched in FOUR major league (Kansas City and Philly) games in '06. Has a dazzling .591 career ERA. And, oh yes, I think he'll be moving into your old locker in Pawtucket.

In "Well, What Do I Know, I'm Not A Professional" news, the Red Sox have allegedly resigned Lenny Dinardo. I also cannot find any proof of this, which makes me wonder if it's just a weird dream I had. Hmm... that would explain a lot. Especially the snake wearing the vest.

Barry Zito, SF Giants, 7 years. Later, Beez. Remember that time you won the Cy Young? And Pedro was all bitter? And then everything went downhill for you after that? Remember that?

That was awesome.

2002 Barry Zito is Dinardo's baseball wet dream.

Name ten people on the Seattle Mariners. But not Ichiro.

I couldn't do it. So here we go:

They got the Kenji Johjima catching. That guy, I got. Backup: Rene Rivera, born in 1983.

For infielders, there's Adrian Beltre, Richie Sexson, Yuniesky Betancourt, Willie Bloomquist. Ben Broussard. All familiar names. And Nomar's brother Michael is, I suppose, slowly making inroads. But then we have these guys:

Gregg Dobbs
Jose Lopez
Bryan LaHair
Mike Morse
Oswaldo Navarro

Bryan LaHair sounds so familiar. You just don't forget a name like that.

Aside from Ichiro, we have Raul Ibanez and Jose Guillen in the outfield. Jeremy Reed? Is that the slender kid? Wladimir Balentien and Adam Jones are also listed on the official Mariners page as outfielders.

Pitching:

Felix Hernandez! How could I forget that guy? Damn. And Jarrod Washburn and JJ Putz. Cha Seung Baek. George Sherrill. Miguel Batista. And these guys:

Yorman Bazardo
Travis Blackley
Ryan Feierabend
Sean Green
Jon Huber
Cesar Jiminez
Mark Lowe
Julio Mateo
Eric O'Flaherty
Horacio Ramirez
Ryan Rowland-Smith
Sean White
Jake Woods

I feel like I should know Sean Green. Whatever happened to Randy Wynn? I liked that guy.

The Mariners AAA affiliate is the Tacoma Rainiers. Double A is the West Tenn Diamond Jaxx. The Diamond what now?

By the way, I predict that Gil Meche will win 20 games for the Royals. Yes!

Fucking MLB.

As I was doing some baseball-related internet impulse buying, I came across a link to MLB Auctions. And, oooh, they had a lot of neat stuff!

I found an old Kauffman Stadium player banner and tried to see who the seller was. There was no user name that I could see. That is because it is MLB itself that is auctioning this stuff off. How about that?

It does say "Proceeds from the sale will benefit Royals Charities." Does that mean ALL of the money they make from the sale of this crap goes to charity? Aside from the ENORMOUS overhead that's involved with creating the ad-heavy auction site and pushing the random stuff they've accumulated over the years?

Gee whiz.

Talkin' Patriots

The New England Patriots defeated their opponent Sunday by one or more points.

The Pats are officially in the playoffs which is good.

Also, the drug is going non-prescription which is good.

you know I love you 99

Runelvys Hernandez will be a likely guy in Pawtucket in 2007, which is nice. A name player! Like Enrique Wilson and Ken Huckaby!

Two things:
1. Former Red Sox steroid user and sometime third baseman Shea Hillenbrand is an absolute Angel! Ten bucks says he can't spell "Anaheim".

2. If I learned one thing from those mangled cars they parked in front of the high school during prom season, it's that drinking and driving is BAD. That being said, who doesn't love Dontrelle Willis? The Marlins golden boy made some bad decisions and only just now got sprung. This all makes me feel very bad. I hope everything turns out okay for Willis. And when I say this, what I mean is "Go, drunk drivers! YEAH!"

3. Chipper Jones decked some dickfor who was hassling him. Chipper Jones is about to have his wallet lightened.

4. Upon rewatching the Alex Rodriguez Game 6 SlapOut, I suddenly thought, Wow, Joe Torre must have been SO PISSED AT HIM! In fact, half of the team must have been absolutely furious.

5. It was lovely, thanks.

6. Yesterday I got so desperate that I watched game-by-game highlights of the Baltimore Orioles 2006 season. I didn't realize what a great job Erik Bedard did! And that skinny kid, Brendan Fahey! I'm going to go team by team, back and forth from the AL to the NL. Next stop: Atlanta!

7. Former Red Sox crumb-bum Jeff Suppan is now on the Milwaukee Brewers. '07 is so their year!

8. Luis Rivas has shimmied down to the Cleveland Indians from Minnesota. Haven't heard that name in a while! Rivas is surprisingly still less than 30 years old.

9. Watched the Brad Radke Retirement Press Conference just to see if he'd cry. He did not disappoint. What I never knew about Radke was that the Twins was his first and only major league team and he played 12 years for them. Brad Radke is in my personal Hall of Fame. My Hall of Fame has different and perhaps lower standards.

10. Pawtucketeer Jeff Bailey's been retained and invited to Fort Myers. If by some minor miracle I make it down there this spring, I'm anxious to see what the scrubs do. I also wonder if JB's going to return to catching. I dizz-oubt it.

My belly hurts. Goodbye.

JS Described Eternity

It's that stretch between Xmas and the R of P&C.

For some of you, it wouldn't start until after the New Year, but I'm of the opinion that New Year's Day sucks big wang as holidays go. So I'm including days 26-31 of December.

My cable got shut off a couple of weeks ago. I have zero reception, zero channels, so I watch maybe 2 hours of TV a week at other peoples' houses. I don't feel any smarter! I could get it turned back on but I think I'll hang in until ST starts. I can get DVDs and such from the library.

In the meantime, I'm reliving 2004 and the pain of Tim McCarver.

fingerprints

Just read an article over at The Consumerist about how Bank of America requires a THUMBPRINT from non-customers wanting to cash a check. Are you kidding me?

Bank of America is bullshit. I have heard so many stories of their ridiculous charges and fees that I cannot understand why anyone would bank with them. A lot of people say, "I have no problem giving my thumbprint. I have nothing to hide." And that's not that point. Is Bank of America going to do anything weird with your thumbprint? Probably not. Again, not the point.

I am sort of anal about that stuff. I don't go to stores that have membership cards or clubs that require your personal information to get sale prices. Just give everyone the discount! Why do you need to swipe a card that has MY name, address, and phone number on it?

My fingerprints are currently not on file anywhere. I got arrested a few years ago and I was not fingerprinted. Yay! I think I'll start a forest fire!

I hold my credit union very dearly. They do everything right as far as I'm concerned.

Top 13 Boston prospects

1. Jacoby Ellsbury
2. Clay Buchholz
3. Michael Bowden
4. Daniel Bard
5. Lars Anderson
6. Dustin Pedroia
7. Bryce Cox
8. Craig Hansen
9. Kris Johnson
10. Jason Place
11. George Kottaras
12. Justin Masterson
13. Brandon Moss

Why 13? Because this is an ill-gotten list. I don't know if Pedroia's going to be in Notsob or whatever but I hope J. Ellsbury and Buchholz will come to Pawtucket. Or Kottaras, now that we are (YES!) Huckaby-less.

Why doesn't Pawtucket have a nickname? It's no fun not being able to toss phrases around like, "The Beantown Boys" or "The Hub Nine" or whatever sportswriters call them these days.

How about, "I hope J. Ellsbury and Buchholz will come to Textile Town." Okay, no. I'm sorry.

Brandon Moss
is overrated.

The Briefs @ The Met Cafe, Providence, ca. 2003

We used to sometimes go to shows just to go to shows. I remember the time I was checking the listings and upcomings for the Met and I noticed a band called The Briefs. I mentioned this to my brother Tom and he said, "They're some gimmicky punk band." Are you kidding me? I'm there!

They did a great job and I bought their CD, Hit After Hit. I like it very much! Thanks, The Briefs!

I'm excited about Brendan Donnelly, too. 2002 Angels and all that. Pine tar rules!

"Please enjoy your starting rotation of Mike Mussina and no one."

12.16.06 JS @ Pawtucket Red Sox : Where am I to go now that I've gone too far?

JS WINS! 4-3

I'd like to do a Bill Mueller-style first and foremost... if not for Bob OCD and his Polaroid camera and weird people skills, I'd'nt've had half the time I did. So... here's my tribute to Bob: Thanks, Bob!

I started the morning by collecting my Fake Daughter and treating her to breakfast at The Townhouse. Home fries execution is crucial and the T'House did a good job. I enjoyed the green pepper bits. Obviously I have not picked up my copy of "No One Cares What You Had For Lunch".

Got to McCoy early to meet up with Bob & son and there was quite a long line. I picked up a bunch of opening day tickets and waited in line with the kid. And then we were in! Free PawSox Xmas pennants were handed out at the gate. For kids only! I did not see Bob and his son. We lined up at the home team clubhouse entrance to wait for our chance to see Breslow and Deschenes. I passed my cap to the kid so she could have it signed for me. You really should have seen the plush execu-chairs CB and MD were lounging in. Both guys were very nice, clean, and handsome.

After we hit up the lefty/righty combo, we headed for the visitors' clubhouse. Portland SeaDogs outfielder Chris Durbin was there alone, sitting in a folding chair like a second class citizen. I felt sort of bad for him. And still, no Bob.

We went to the souvenir shoppe, bought a baseball, lined up again for both autograph tables. The players were very nice. I thought about asking Marc Deschenes if he'd seen Bob, since he seems to know him.

Finally, Bob! Again we get in the Breslow/Deschenes line. Bob talks to Marc at great length about many, many things. At this point, no one's really waiting for autographs, so Bob has plenty of time to talk. Marc Deschenes is odd-jobbing his way through the off-season. He's enjoying it, but is ready to start playing again.

We stepped out of the clubhouse for a few minutes and checked out the Wiffle cages. Then Bob says, "Guess who's here?" And I had wondered if he'd pop in. I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! Or Jerry Kapstein!

Kapstein was in the clubhouse talking to the pitchers and I just couldn't help
myself. I walked right up to him and shook his hand... he was wearing that big tan coat. Bob busted out his Polaroid and we all started taking snaps of various me/Kap/kid/Bob/Bob's kid set-ups. The funny thing was J-Kap kept saying, "How about one more?" He kept several of the photos for himself and said next time we were at Fenway to come down and say hello. He is, as you can imagine, a very, very nice guy. He did manage to work God into the conversation, but I'm willing to let that slide. He is, after all, a judge/scorekeeper/sports agent/consultant/scout/Rhode Islander.

We hung out a little while longer. Bob kept talking to M. Deschenes and finally called me over and said, "Tell them about Rochester." So I went into my crabfest about using a good reliever v. using the rehabbing Foulke and losing the game. I was worried later that I'd come across as a whiny fan, but I'm telling you... they were right there with me! MD was all... "Yeah... we lost that game, didn't we?" Oh, he remembered! He was totally falling in love with me. Breslow must have wondered why we all loved Deschenes so freaking much.

That's really it. The kid, who wants to attend the Ken Ryan Acadamy and eventually pitch, wanted to play ball in the worst way, so we went down to the fields near the prison and chucked the ball around.

"It's not real gold! It's brass!"

Kapstein photos to come...

Not boxers.

I had a chance to meet... someone... on Saturday. And it was very exciting. Guess!

I have to pick my sister up at the airport now. In Boston. I've dropped/collected more people at Logan lately than ever in my life. Perhaps they think, hey, it's not baseball season, Jen's probably not doing anything!

I have opening day tickets! That's Opening Day at Pawtucket, as if that matters. Because it's going to be way more fun than Fenway.

Off I go.

Baseball Heavy's 25 Greatest Baseball Moments of 2006

In NO particular order... except the order in which I may remember them.

25. Jose Lima pitches at McCoy Stadium, walks Dustan Moore in all three at-bats due to some years-old slight.

24. First three Brockton Rox batters at top of the first bunt their way on base, loading them up easily. Nashua Pride pitcher completely shocked.

23. Ron I. Calloway tosses ball to me at Longest Game Anniversary Celebration in Pawtucket. (I dropped it.)

22. Me and three other people wear t-shirts that spell out "TRENT" at the Futures at Fenway Game. Trent is both amused and terrified.

21. William Hung performs at Nashua Pride double-header. The twenty or so baseball fans in attendance do not seem to recognize him. Or care.

20. I win a major award (free plane tickets) by winning a peanut tossing competition at a Cactus League Spring Training Game between innings.

19. Trevor Hoffman ties all-time saves record at Petco Park in San Diego.

18. Durham Bull Delmon Young wings bat at replacement umpire in Pawtucket.

17. I see sunshine for the first time in like a month at Yankee Stadium.

16. Ben Weber pitches for Syracuse in Pawtucket. He is still ugly.

15. Boston faces Johan Santana and he is totally gnarly. Minnesota WINS! that one.

14. The very talented and handsome Mike Lowell comes to Boston and exceeds everyone's expectations. Lowell also uses "London Calling" as his at-bat song.

13. The Blackstone Valley Freeballers have a season kick-off barbeque and ballgame. We are whupped by a bunch of big guys who I SURE HOPE ARE PROUD OF THEMSELVES FOR USING A BUNCH OF INEPT BALLPLAYERS AS THEIR PERSONAL BATTING PRACTICE!!! This will be one of only two games we play in '06. Sad face.

12. Poster night at McCoy Stadium. Marc Deschenes signs my lunchbox.

11. Dustin Pedroia gets called up!

10. Walking the warning track in Rochester in the sunshine while the PawSox trotted around and stretched. Aaaaaah.

9. Detroit Tigers win the ALCS

8. Visiting the Bob Feller Museum in tiny, remote, Van Meter, Iowa. (It says that on the Welcome billboard when you cross into the town: "Tiny. Remote. Van Meter.")

7. Chris Young nearly pitches a no-hitter in Petco Park.

Well, that's it! Instead of 25, you get 19. How about that?

Talkin' Patriots... An In-Depth Analysis by JS (tm)

Miami WINS! in a recent game with New England.

Tom Brady did not play well. Alleged root of poor performance: lady trouble. Sheesh. Dames!

Their defense was not the problem, it was their running game! It may have been the turnovers that killed them. MMM... turnovers.

That Miami wide receiver... I hate that guy! Did you see that one play? And you thought the kicker was an asshole!

And, man, that ref with the penalties. SOMEONE'S getting paid off!


Hell, the last time I saw rushing that weak was San Diego in '02.

Let's hope Bill Belechik gets his X's and O's all straightened out or the division's going to New York! YES!

It was so much easier when I was cruel.

News of little import: It's official. The Scranton Wilkes-Barre Red Barons are now the Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees. Help me, Rhonda.

As far as the whole MLB getting way too involved with their minor league teams... I found a decent, expository article about several of those goings-on. The web site thing's bugged me for a long time.

Every time I hear Pachelbel's Canon I mentally rename it "Papelbon's Canon".

Quick note on recent retiree Gabe Kapler: The Red Sox gave him a management job on one of their low-A teams (Greenville, SC). Isn't that nice for him?

Curt Schilling ruined everything.

I am so pissed at Schilling right now. I wrote him a brief letter detailing my problems with him, not that he'll ever read it or respond.

I'm just mad, is all.

I wouldn't be a liar.

I have procured a kid in order to legitimize my attendance at the Pawtucket Red Sox KidFest on Saturday. A living, breathing, 100% genuine KID. I am not sure she necessarily wants to attend this event, so I am plying her with what I hope is an enticing offer: a pre-event breakfast which may include pancakes. Kids still like pancakes, don't they? I know I did.

I think what I might do if there's a Q&A is ask Craig Breslow a question about molecular biophysics. Everyone would love that! I'd be the hit of the party.

In the meantime, Pawtucket's hemorrhaging its '06 team. Still remaining: TRENT!, Pedroia, Hansen, Delcarmen, Murphy... some of the late season relievers like Brad Baker and Rob Henkel... Jeff Bailey.

K, see you then!

Putnam Rolling Ladder Co.

The Pittsburgh Pirates have claimed LA Dodgers relief pitcher Franquelis Osoria off waivers. Pirates fans don't seem to get the move.

The Pirates are obviously taking a gamble on a guy who was mediocre... in AAA! But I guess when you're the Pirates, you do stuff like this all the time. Hoping for a miracle.

SCOUTING REPORT: Rookie RHP Franquelis Osoria opened eyes after being recalled from Class AAA. Osoria relies on a hard sinking fastball thrown with a sidearm delivery. Osoria has good control and prefers to induce groundouts rather than pursue strikeouts. Said Osoria, "I hit the ball the first time, and there it was in the back of the net!"

They got a nice park out there, too, sweet Jesus. That bridge!

In other Rust Belt news, Budweiser bought up Rolling Rock. Nice, eh? I'm glad I don't drink RR much anymore.

spread

I had lunch on Federal Hill yesterday and if you've never been there, you must. You can eat your way down the street, cramming your fat face with cheeses and pastries and pizzas and pastas and anything you can think of. It's teeming with bomb-ass restaurants and pigeons and careless driving and chaotic parking.

I noticed this tiny Euro-hotel right in DePasquale Square... is that something new? I had pizza at Gepetto's and then waddled into the bakery and bought a few things. Bakeries are like kryptonite. Especially Italian bakeries. Scialo Brothers had these insane chocolate log cakes which looked like chopped wood down to the tree-like whorls and grains.

The other day there was a substantial mob bust here in RI. I was under the impression that the mafia in Rhode Island barely existed any more, so this took me by surprise. I saw some of the old guys on Federal Hill yesterday, strolling the sidewalks and socializing. It's almost quaint.

The Seattle Mariners said goodbye to avid Playstation jockey Joel Piniero. I don't know. He's a free agent now and I'm going to make him an offer for my imaginary baseball team. The M's then signed noted bilingual poet Miguel Batista. Or maybe they signed, then released. Who can say?

Marcus Giles a free agent! Wow, what's next, a talking banana?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you remember that Marlins game in 2003 where Florida went through 3 pitchers in the top of the first inning and the Red Sox scored about 10 runs? Johnny Damon alomst batted for the cycle in ONE inning? And then later in the game, Todd Walker lined a ball into the pitcher's dome and he dropped like a sack of taters? And Jack McKeon was all bitter about the whole thing?

YES. That was one of Gabe Kapler's earliest games with Boston. I did not attend that game. I went to the game after that with my sister. I think we may have had the worst unobstructed seats in Fenway. Oh, lord, it was hot that day. Kapler's game was tight in the segundo, I remember. Yay, kid.

Gabe Kapler retired. People really loved Gabe K for some reason. I mean, the ladies loved him because he was dreamy. But all around people thought he was a super guy. So what exactly did he contribute? He was a friggin BENCH GUY. And I'm the first one to have mad love for those... types. Do you remember a single thing he did in the post-season? No? He did pinch run for Trot Nixon a time or two, so there's that.

So long, Kap. Now you'll have more time to spend working on your gritty, urban B&W photography.

Feast of Guadalupe

Ron Calloway, tight n' toned fielder and accomplished chef, has been signed by the Phillies to a minor league contract. So if you're going down to Spring Training this year, you may see him on the versus. I'll be there because Ron Calloway is my boyfriend. You didn't know that? Yeah, we're totally going out.

If I were 80's Hollywood, I'd meet my two sisters down in Fort Myers for ST festivities. I'd step off the plane onto the tarmac and lift up my sunglasses to survey my palm-treed surroundings while generic rock music played in the background. "Hot sun! Summer fun! Takin' it easy in the Florida sun!" Cut to Lucky doing same. Cut to Vee in a fur coat.

We'd have underpants pillow fights in the hotel room, drink gimormous margaritas and toast the good times, have studly yet stupid love interests and get hit in the head with foul balls. A montage would be involved as well. And we'd all go home having learned a few things about life and love and ourselves.

This sort of thing goes on all the time on Lifetime. I heard. From a friend. I wouldn't know, they shut my cable off. I've been watching DVD playoff games from 2004.

Kansas City does something right.

So the Royals picked up this guy Joakim Soria in the Rule 5, right? He was in the Padres organization. And KC was allegedly excited about this kid, but they always say that. Well, he just pitched a perfect game in the Mexican Pacific League. His team's called Los Yaquis de Obregon and game was v. the Naranjeros de Hermosillo. I'm pretty sure "naranjero" means "orange wrangler".

Some of the opposing team's hopeless, hitless losers included Jerry Hairston and GERONIMO FREAKING GIL.

Soria is just 22 years old. I'm excited for him, but, you know, where's he going to be in like eight years?

Why not the SkyChefs?

Okay, all you old-school Syracusers can relax. They're changing it back to the Chiefs. And even better... there's a train!

Although at first glance you think, "Who really cares?", I'm not sure how I'd react if I were faced with the Pawtucket Dyed Textiles. With, like, Samuel Slater making Popeye fists and gritting his teeth on the uniform.

They opened a new restaurant here in CF called "The Townhouse". I ate there recently. The burrito was not that great but they have potato taquitos that are celestial. I could have eaten a dozen. I loved their half American/half Mexican thing. I checked out their breakfast menu and I'm definitely gonna have to git me sum. Maybe Saturday before I go to McCoy to harass the pitching staff.

you're a customer, croney

Hustlin' Wille Harris, former Boston up-and-downer, is now on the Atlanta Braves.

Never met him but heard he was a nice guy.

Wille Harris was fast
and when I say fast I mean
real ulitmate power

quien sabe?

I didn't do any internetting last night and so I was slow out of the gate getting September tickets. I did pick up a onesy up-front Twins ticket for late Sep. I like buying September tickets because you never know. I realized too late that my seat is behind home plate, which I dislike. I'm partial to seeing the pitcher from the side.

It's weird to think about having a ticket to a game that's late next year. Where will I be at that point? I feel the same way when I buy coffee filters. 500 coffee filters. One filter a day, 500 days. In 500 or so days, will I still be in the same dirty kitchen, making the same cheap, dirty coffee, wearing the same slippers, getting ready to go to work at the same place?

Walking on the ice to my old school. I'm done with being restless and trying to be cool.

You should have been there last night and heard...

Once! I was talking to my brother Tom about Mike Piazza and this exchange went down:

Tom: "I hate Mike Piazza. I hate his moustache."
Jen: "I don't think he has a moustache anymore."
Tom: "He'll always have a moustache."

&so Pizza's busting into the AL for the first time. As a non-catcher. This is starting to remind me of when Ricky Henderson was on the Red Sox. Yeah, I called him Pizza. I'm 9, okay?

Uncle Todd Walker's staying on the Padres, which I'm sure Padres fans are going to love since the only person they hated more than Mark Bellhorn was Todd Walker.

local Pawtucket kids make an appearance

On Saturday, December 16, McCoy Stadium is hosting a casual shindig starring Baseball Heavy favorites Marc Deschenes and Craig Breslow. Fuckin' A! Deschenes and Breslow are obvious choices, since they both live in New England and don't have too far to travel.

For those of you into mascots, Paws will also be there. Personally, I hope Paws and Marc Deschenes start making out.

FREE food and one FREE ticket to a PawSox home game. So WHAT if it's a kids' party? I know a kid I can borrow. I'm a godmother, for fuck's sake.

See you Saturday! And one more time... Marc Deschenes!

Okay. It's 12:15 pm. I fucking give (tm).

Track 8 on June of 44's "Anahata"

It's called "Peel Away Velleity". It's now over 14 minutes long and it's just ridiculous musical noodlings and I want to throw this CD out the window.

No one wants to hear that crap. I'm never listening to this CD again.

clamor

I'm going in. It's not going to be pretty. See you in the Promised Land.

Arrivederci, baby!

The Fonz and Chicago and I have that in common.

Alejandro Machado was snapped up by the Twins in the Rule 5 draft.

I looked on three web sites last night and none of them had any Machado transactions beyond his being signed by the Nationals.

Since he's going to be on their 40-man and allegedly in the majors and not in Rochester, I am excited for him.

So... Jere was right and I was wrong. I'm sorry.

2004 first round draft picks

Wow! Good year!

Justin Verlander, Phil Humber, Jeffrey Niemann, Jeremy Sowers, Homer Bailey, Thomas Diamond, Jered Weaver, Billy Butler, Stephen Drew, Scott Elbert, Joshua Fields, Phil Hughes, Eric Hurley.

Note: Many of these guys I have never heard of.

Chris Jaile

Boston signed this guy. He'll be in Pawtucket from what I understand. Here's what I know:

- righty pitcher
- spent time in the Rangers and San Diego orgs (low minors)
- former crappy position player... before that, a catcher
- 26 in February
- low-90's fb

There you have it. Jaile has started but I think he'll be a heavily used bullpen guy in Pawtucket.

I'm going out for tamales tomorrow night. I might eat my hand in the meantime.

Hanging out the sunroof like 'bing, bing, bing'.

Heard through the grapevine Machado to Twins? Um, WRONG! Alejandro's been signed by the Nationals for about two weeks now and I cannot believe I missed this. He was originally in their system so I guess it's somewhat of a homecoming. Jermaine Van Buren's down there, too, so they can reminisce over milkshakes about the glory of Pawtucket, RI.

I had a big crush on Alejandro... he's like the sweetest guy, ask anyone. He was not a power hitter, but I think he did a pretty good job fielding and getting on base. I happened to be at Fenway for his first ever hit with the big team. I will miss him at McCoy.

JVB... I didn't like him at first, but I got used to his whiplash pitching style. He was, like Machado, one of the nicest guys on the PawSox in '06. Decent to the kids and that.

A brief note about Corky Miller: gone to Atlanta Braves. Fun while it lasted.

you don't know how to ease my pain

The Oakland A's have signed LHP Alan Embree who enjoys crossword puzzles and likes it when it's messy. He also lives in The Dalles, Oregon, which was once the subject of A&E's "City Confidential" program.

I didn't like Embree at first but then I did. And then I REALLY did. Remember when he was on the Yankees? What the hell was that? And Mark Bellhorn was also on the Yankees? That was weird.

Freddy Garcia is now a Phillie. I hope he gets hurt so I can see him on their AAA team. I heard a rumor that Trot Nixon was going to the Phillies. I hope all the people to whom I said, "I have a feeling Trot will end up on the Phillies" remember that I said that. Because that was about two months ago.

Bengie Molina was picked up by the San Francisco Giants. Ted Lilly to Chicago Cubs. I will miss you guys!

Congratulations, CariDee!

breakfast

Eggs, over easy. Occasionally, an omelet, NO CHEESE!

HOME FRIES. Outside of New England, they give you hash browns which are good. But home fries. Some places might even ask, with or without onions. WITH.

Toast. I like rye toast, but wheat or white is okay.

Coffee. Once in a while, a little OJ.

The home fries might be the most important thing.

You can usually get this breakfast for about three or four dollars. An omelet might jack the price up a little bit, but more than five or six dollars is too much.

I am so hungry right now.

Exciting News from the AL Central!

Imagine my surprise when I cam across this bombshell: Graham Koonce was signed by the Kansas City Royals to a minor league contract! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Here're the juicy details: Koonce was happily mashing away in the Brewers system last year, batting .256 with 19 home runs in 88 games in AAA Nashville. And ladies: he's a lefty first baseman! Kansas City caught wind of this guy's talents and began salivating over the possibility of beefing up their lineup.

White Sox fans are understandably nervous. Their stunned silence at this acquisition speaks volumes.

Of course, we all remember Graham's contributions while he was in Oakland for 6 games in '03. Who can forget how he went 1-8 with a double? Nice work, big guy! That's the kind of performance we expect to see from a 60th round Detroit Tigers draft pick (1993)!

And picture this: Kaufman Stadium, bases loaded, bottom of the ninth, two outs. 4-1 White Sox. Bobby Jenks trying to nail it down. The unlikely hero Graham Koonce steps up. Steps out. Practice swing. Jenks glares. Koonce back in the box. He digs in. Here's the pitch... BLAMMO! GRAHAM SLAM!

Don't even get me started on Dewon Brazelton.

Thirdly: former Red Sox superstar Jose Cruz Jr is reportedly heading for San Diego. Theo Epstein could not be reached for comment.

HanRam and J-Kap

I posted this picture a long time ago. It's from the 2005 PawSox Hot Stove party and it was the first time I'd seen Jeremy Kapstein in person. You can see him walking past in the background in a red jacket. I may have been more excited to see him than Hanley Ramirez, who heard "Jen" as "Jim".

I did not take this picture. A good friend of mine takes Polaroids of players and then has them autograph it. See also: my Marc Deschenes photo.

I'm posting it again in a non-jpeg. format so it looks a little sharper. What is this beta version they're trying to sell me on? Does it hurt?

Do you know this guy?

Taken on Yawkey Way before Game 4 of the ALCS. The guy was proudly wearing a custom-made "Fuck 1918" t-shirt.

I did not take these pictures in black and white because I was aiming for artiness. I would never do that. We were leaving the house and I realized I had no camera. The only one available was a cheap B&W disposible. YOU GOT THAT?

By the way, JPEGs suck.

WOTS all this, then?

Tanyon Sturtze is now a National Leaguer! Blah blah, one year, rotator cuff surgery. I think that's great. Now I might never have to see Tanyonero ever again. OOOh, unless he's on the Richmond Braves at all!

In a separate but related incident, I'm going to Texas! I'll bet you didn't know I was a huge Rangers fan, did you? Well, I'm not. I'm not going for baseball reasons... this time. I promise I'll bring you trinkets and baubles if I make it out alive.

Say hello to Jimenez D'Angelo for me.

A couple of years ago the Triple-A All-Star game took place here (or "here") in Pawtucket. They had a nice ceremonial sign out front, listing all the participating players. Oh, the honor!

One of the guys on the list was Ottawa Lynx catcher Gil Geronimo. Oh, oops. I mean Geronimo Gil. Except, yeah, he was listed as Gil Geronimo. Someone had helpfully Sharpied in a comma, but I doubt it fooled anyone.

Poor GG. Just got signed by Colorado to a minor league contract, so he'll be hanging out in AAA Colorado Springs. Didn't he play for Mexico in the WBC? Maybe I'll write him a nice letter.

LaTroy Hawkins also got picked up by the Rockies.

In other news, supertalented and superhandsome Dave Roberts is now a San Francisco Giant. I know you're thinking, dude, that sucks for him. And maybe it does. But I checked out San Francisco's Double-A team a few times last year and let me tell you something... the pizza's not bad there!

PS Gil Geronimo... good name!

potholes in my lawn

I went over to the hospital this evening to pay a visit to a couple of people who probably needed some mild entertainment. Funny... we were talking about the Delmon Young 10-meter Competitive Bat Toss and the nurse said, "I was at that game." Us, too! On my way out, I got out of the elevator on the wrong floor. So I figured, it's only one floor up, I'll just take the stairs. Everyone knows that it's usually faster to walk up a flight of stairs than to wait for the elevator, wait for the doors to open, then close, then you press the button... am I wrong?

But when I got to the stairwell exit, I discovered that I needed a swipe card to enter the next level. Shit. I descended the stairs to get back to the elevator, only to discover that in order to return to the lobby, I needed a swipe card. Shit! So I went up another flight of stairs and, yes, I could not escape the stairwell.

Finally, I went down, down, down to the trash compactor. I was standing precariously atop the muck and the bilge and then the trash mashing mechanism was activated and the walls started closing in on me... closer, closer... I thought it was curtains for me until I rather cunningly used a staff to block the walls...

Not really. I walked out through the refuse exit and into a garden. It was surrounded by a fence. I couldn't get back into the hospital, either, becuase I DID NOT HAVE AN ACCESS CARD. I could not get buzzed in. I could not get over the pointed fence. The wind was blowing hard. The swings in the playground were flying high. There was no one around. It was dark.

I noticed a trashcan blowing around. AHA! I snagged that one, found another one, and put one on either side of the fence. Stood on top of trashcan one, swung over the fence onto trashcan two. I am MacGuyver. I'm a butterfly and butterflies are free to fly.

Guess who's on the Baltimore Orioles? Brad Chadford and Scott Williamson, former Boston relievers. They even sort of look alike. Are they effective at this point? Does it matter? Bradford will NEVER be out of a job.

Kevin Millar's returning to Baltimore as well. I'm sure he's thrilled.

Royce Clayton is now a TORONTO BLUE JAY!!! Welcome back to the AL. Try not to blow it.

I asked housekeeping where the best place was.

Hot, naked Geoff Blum action.

The sizzling San Diego Padres signed bench weirdo and horny stud Geoff Blum to a one year, 900K (with at-bat incentives) contract.

The very naughty Blum said (probably jokingly) that in a perfect world, hot young Khalil Greene would be traded and then Geoff B. would man-handle the shortstop position.

The DOM New York Yankees made GB an offer as well, which the wet, slutty Padres matched.

Great job, everyone. Take five.

You're my boy, Choi!

Former Pawtucket first baseman and unfriendly guy Hee-Seop Choi was signed to a minor league contract by the Devil Rays. He will receive $1.95 million for two years if he plays in the majors.

I always wondered what was going on with Hee-Seop. He looked like a big strong guy but he just chipped away at the ball and never really produced.

It's gonna take a lot to get Choi down to Tropicana. Right now, Jorge Cantu's supposed to be playing first... unless they trade an outfielder. Then BJ Upton will move to the outfield and Cantu will play short and then Concussion Boy Choi will take over at first. But, you know. Is that ever going to happen?

I'd like to take a moment to reflect upon my favorite Hee-Seop memories... let's see, there was the time he ignored his fans... oh, yes, the night he ignored his passionate Korean fan club...hmm, the time he flied out to third with two outs and men on base... Yes.

The Price is Right

I was watching TPIR while waiting for the gas company today. I was rapt. Is there a television show more comforting than The Price is Right? The same sets, the same swanky xylophone music, the same wheel, the same... "A New Car!" Loved this show as a kid... reminds me of staying home sick from school wrapped up in a giant blanket and sipping ginger ale.

Plinko is as far as I know the most popular pricing game. I think Plinko's so-so. I like the punchboard and I like the one where you pull numbers out of a bag. Like most people, the Alpiner game frightens me. One of the showcase prizes today was a set of bowling equipment.

Bob Barker does not really seem to be close to dying.

Another thing that amazes me: When you're at a Chinese restaurant waiting for your order and someone comes in that speaks Spanish, or they take a phone order from someone who speaks Spanish. That gets me every time! I cannot even imagine working at an "American" restaurant in China and having to learn restaurant Chinese AND having to help the occasional Korean customer.

Here's another awesome Laurila interview!

Al Leiter

Currently reading: "Pedro, Carlos, and Omar", about the New (York) Mets under Omar Minaya. Do I like it, yes I do. Pedro's crib in the DR is described as a "compound", with ten-foot walls and razor wire and an armed guard out front.

Now, I don't talk about Game Four very much, do I? No. Yes. Well, so don't you. I thought Al Leiter was a far better announcer than T.M. I still think so. I love it when Dave Roberts is dancing around on first and Al Leiter says with calm, casual wonder... "He's going." He refrains from saying, "That son-of-a-bitch", but you know he wants to.

Al Leiter has political aspirations, dog. He is also (surprise) a Republican. Watch out, New Jersey.

The Heat is Zaun. (I'm sorry)

I heard through the grapevine that Boston was "in talks" with catcher Greg(g?) Zaun. I thought, oooh, cool, because I am starting to kind of hate Doug Mirabelli. Furthermore, Zaun used to write movie reviews for a newspaper! Granted, he's no Miguel Batista, but I LIKE THAT.

Toronto likes that, too. They signed him to a two-year, $7.25m contract.

In other news, the gas person came today and I have heat.

In even more news, my father became a grandfather for the first time the other day. I have a niece! When my brother handed her off to me, I thought "She is going to sneeze. She is going to sneeze and spasm right out of my hands and I am going to ruin this little baby."

That didn't happen. I will admit to getting a little emotional. But that's me, I'm emotional. And penniless.

t-shirt tucked in

I was at Building 19 in Pawtucket this evening looking for a costume or something and I found these weird, old Red Sox shirts.

One of them said "Fever Pitch" over a silhouette of a pitcher in mid-throw. There were little player head shots surrounding the mound.

-Derek Lowe
-Pedro
-Tim Wakefield
-Scott Williamson
-John Burkett (!?!)

Imagine, a t-shirt featuring John Burkett! It was only $2.50 and I should have bought it. I may have been Burkett's only fan when he played in Boston.

like a dry gin's twist

The Red Sox Hall of Fame Awards are on. The talented and foxy Dave Roberts wins a very special award for you-know-what. I want to burst into tears all over again. I think that if things hadn't worked out, it would have ruined a lot of people forever.

In 2003 I was making casual conversation with some older gent in a store about the playoffs. He was disinterested. "They're just going to blow it again, " he said. I couldn't believe it. I swore I'd never get that bitter and jaded.

They blew it again, of course. And I thought about that guy. I wonder what he did in 2004?

If not for Dave Roberts, I'd be that cynical old man.

The player who interviewed Bob Feller in the "Greatest Sports Legends" video I bought in Iowa is Tom Seaver.