George Lombard is laid back.

Former PawSox strikeout guy George Lombard has been hired as hitting coach for the Lowell Spinners.

You know how sometimes, in baseball, you just like guys? They might not be the best player, or the most interesting, but they seem reasonably cool and you're kinda always rooting for them.

I hated Lombard! Not really. I like him. At any rate, he's back in the system.

Lombard was in Pawtucket for part 0f 2004 and all of '05. He played along such stars as Dave Berg, Adam Hyzdu, and Roberto Petagine. And Cla Meredith! Lenny Dinardo! Geremi Gonzalez!

"True nostalgia is an ephemeral composition of disjointed memories."

Dan Hoard is not afraid of anything.

Pawtucket Red Sox radio guy Dan Hoard occasionally subs in for the Cincinnati Reds. And guess what? Reds TV announcer george Grande has retired. Hoard probably could have gotten the job, but Thom Brennaman did. As in, Marty Brennaman's son.

Here are a few comments from around the world regarding his gigs:

1. From John Kiesewetter's TV and Media blog: "Hoard has done a great job on Reds broadcasts. He was my choice to replace Steve Stewart, when nobody knew that Thom Brennaman wanted to come home and work with his dad. Hoard can do play-by-play for TV or radio (if needed), and he’s proven that he does his homework and can weave in stories about players ala Marty, Thom or the Dodgers’ Vin Scully. Hoard is very good and deserves the chance. Between 150 Reds TV games (when Thom isn’t working), and the UC football and basketball on WLW-AM, Hoard would have year-round work to bring him back here full-time. Hoard has done AAA Pawtucket Red Sox games waiting to be called up to the majors. This should be his chance." Damn it.

2. Comment from 'Redleg Nation': "I don’t mind Kelch, but why not Dan Hoard? I think the Reds missed again on the radio broadcasting hire, kind of like in the Steve Stewart deal. I guess it’s nice they rewarded a guy whose been in the organization, but I think Hoard is a better all around announcer."

3. From the Wight Pages: "Dan Hoard, voice of the Triple A Pawtucket Red Sox, has a history in Cincinnati. He broadcasts football and basketball for the University of Cincinnati and has filled in several times for the Reds. In my opinion, Hoard would fit in perfectly as the Reds full-time television play-by-play man."

I should have written this back in October.

The female anchor's fists finally clenched.

After spending a million years with Pawtucket and playing game after game versus the Iron Pigs, after abandoning his catcher position, after ripping up the International League in 2008... Jeff Bailey is gone.

I could say, without Jeff Bailey there is no 'Baseball Heavy', but that would be false. It doesn't help, though.

Since he's signed with Arizona, we won't even see him in the Grapefruit League. He may as well be dead!

I'd do a retrospective, but what would be the point? Maybe only his parents would enjoy that.

Someday, I will be assassinated.

Newsflash: LHP Jennifer Lopez is a Pirate. I said he quit, but I suppose that's what I get for trusting internet reference sites that any jerk can access. I thought he might still be in the IL but it looks like he's the Pirates only lefty reliever on the 40-man, so we shall see.

VIS: "Being in Boston, it was a great experience, but it's a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately kind of place," Lopez said. "I got off to a rough start and, when you're in a division with the Yankees and Rays ... hey, I can't blame them. They had a guy in Bard who was throwing 100, and I was the guy who had his roster spot."

And, uh, Lopez seems to think he can do long relief. "I look forward to that type of role," Lopez said. "That was yet another reason why Pittsburgh seemed like a great place: I knew the opportunity was there to pitch not only to multiple batters, but maybe multiple innings. I was able to show that in Pawtucket this year, going three innings twice." SEE? He pitched three innings TWO times!

From now on, I'll just wait until I can confirm everything. Hey, I've only been a freelance sports journalist for a couple of years!

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus.

you'll never walk alone again

You are totally not gonna believe this, but sarcastic infielder Gil Velazquez is COMING BACK to McCoy Stadium. My feeling is that Boston is uneasy about their shortstop sitch, but don't forget: I know next to nothing.

In a very sexy related story, Fernando Cabrera is also returning. It's a Christmas miracle! You may recall Cabrera as the Pawtucket All-Star reliever who was the kind of guy you wanted to watch take a shower. Also, he was scandalous.

Marcus McBeth, another very good reliever, has been signed by the Oakland Athletics. He was terrific all season.

Pawtucket second baseman Travis Blutarsky has been signed by the Mariners. Joey Gathright was like the wind - I'm pretty sure he only played a few road games - and he is now up in Toronto.

Sean Danielson and John Otness have been released.

Finally, some things are happening.

They say he was 'worldly'.

Word on the street is that long-time PawSox kid Javier Lopez has decided to hang it up. I'm sure he could have gotten a job somewhere, but I guess he was sick of those 6-hour bus rides. Lopez was original acquired from the White Sox via a trade with David Riske. This was in 2006. Long time ago, right?

A lot of baseball players are meatheads who can probably only play baseball. Lopez was reasonably smart and can probably do other things, such as teach or enter politics or make jewelry.

Javier Lopez got a bad rap, but remember: He did get a guy out here and there. One of my favorite Pawtucket kids of all time.

While you're up, here are some other former PawSox players who've retired:
1. Catcher Andy Dominique (remember chanting his name at Fenway?)
2. Australian sensation Trent Durrington!
3. Marc Deschenes, who I was totally in love with.
4. Jim Buckley (used to split catching duties with Jeff Bailey back in 19-Dickety-2.)
5. OF Luke Allen, probably. I used to do daily reports on him as a joke.
6. Mark Malaska (He now lives in RI!)
7. Lee Gronkiewicz (now coaching) - Damn, he was great for the 3.4 seconds he was in Pawtucket!
8. Tyler Minges, who I found easily. He's a real estate agent in Ohio.
9. Rootin, Tootin, Shawn Wooten. Was on the World Champion Los Angeles Angels in 2002.

Other people who have vanished: Jimmy Serrano, Dave 'Ice' Berg, Tim Bausher, Earl Snyder, Adam Hyzdu.

More to come.

What people said about the Connecticut Defenders.

from a website I would prefer you didn't visit:

1. "Connecticut Defenders have the schmaltziest fans! Connecticut Defenders game disingenuously a very cozy lasting impression on my family and me. Connecticut Defenders have the perkiest cheerleaders!"

2. "Connecticut Defenders festivities kept my family entertained throughout the entire evening. Connecticut Defenders was the dingiest live sporting dispatch I have ever been to! I love watching Connecticut Defenders live."

3. "I took my children to Connecticut Defenders game last week and they’re already begging to raise again! Connecticut Defenders inspiredly take care of their fans! It was forbearing and fast-paced, but I missed some of the jokes because the words weren’t coming out of the actor’s mouth fast enough. Being on bike through traffic makes it hard to hear the tour guide."

They're right about the cheerleaders, though.

I just want a bit part in your life!

Since I was denied access to Rhody college basketball, I have a little time to kill.

I came across this piece of heaven right here. It's from a sports radio blog. Normally, I avoid that stuff. But this is right up my alley!

Excerpts from Gary Marbry's 'Red Sox Reviews - The Bit Pitchers #1'

1. Fernando Cabrera's first pitch was a ball to 50% of batters faced in 2009. Don't I know it!

2. "None of the 28 batters that Cabrera faced put the first pitch in play last season." Cabrera only faced 28 batters? How is that possible?

3. "When opponents put the Hunter Jones' first pitch in play, they went 6 for 9 with 2 doubles and 2 HR (and a HBP), good for an OPS allowed of 2.156. That’s the highest such OPS allowed by a Red Sox pitcher since they began tracking the stat in 1988 (min. 10 such batters faced)."

4. "Javier Lopez finished his Red Sox career ranked 20th in games pitched in relief as a Red Sox with 172. He finished 5 appearances behind 19th place Dick Drago, 1 game ahead of Rheal Cormier, and 2 ahead of Keith Foulke." EAT IT, FOULKE!!!

Remarkable.

And one more quick thing: No, two things: Wait.

1.A couple of years ago I wrote a post called 'I Hate Marco Scutaro', but it looks like I deleted it. He may have been on the A's at the time. I suppose I could have written a similar post called "I Hate Jeff DaVanon".
2. I'm heading down to the park to pick up a few items.

Cherokee name: Laughs at Own Jokes

I just read this from back in May:

"Zink threw 100 pitches and complimented his defense: "I was jamming guys, which is what I'm looking for. My defense played great. I got a little tired. There was a little humidity. We haven't had a lot of warm weather." Zink went on to say "The NASDAQ is looking healthier. Did you see that new Supreme Court lady? Kentucky is a commonwealth. Dude, why you still holding that?"

I'm so glad I find myself hilarious. I can't stop laughing. At myself.

I read a book.

A book arrived in the mail the other day. It was about a pitcher who doesn't quite fit in with his wacky, less intelligent teammates. He worries about his ability to get outs. He shares bullpen conversations and agonizes over his playing time.

Sounds like Ball Four, right? I know, it's essentially the same book. But it's that Yale kid's book with special guest appearances by Craig Breslow.

It wasn't too bad, but the whole White Players vs Uncultured and Annoying Dominicans angle was a little much.

This is as close to a book review as you'll get from me.

Salvatore is gonna love Atwells.

New manager in Pawtucket: Former Bisons/Clippers skipper Torey Lovullo. That seals it, I guess. No backsies. RJ is gone forever.

I'm glad it's him, although Stan Cliburn would have been cool, too.

Let's also welcome back Gerald Perry as the hitting coach. GP was in the hizz back in 1998. If I were you, I'd look up the team BA/OBP for that year to see what we're in for. Because it's not the players who generate the stats, it's the managers and coaches! That's why Morman got the axe, after all.

Imagine! Lovullo and Van Every reunited! Wait... JV's gone. Never mind. I thought I saw him in my peripheral vision, walking past an open door slowly while suspenseful music played. And me, terror stricken with dead phone lines.

My only prior mention of Torey L came here. It's a brief post, but it's really funny and kind of encapsulates the 2009 PawSox.

i need to know

So, who is this mystery douche who played on the Indians (seen here outside the visiting players' hotel in Pawtucket)?

I thought this was Jordan Brown at first, but it's not.

notrod

PawSox trainer and good guy Greg Barajas got kicked upstairs. That is so great! Have fun at Fenway and enjoy your away parks being in places like Chicago and Tampa Bay instead of Syracuse and Lehigh Valley.

George Kottaras is gone. Ha!

In Jeff Bailey news, DAMN he has been busy. Bailey's been skiing in Vail, coaching high school football, coaching girls' soccer, representing student faculty, and playing bass in a jazz band.

Former PawSox superstar Sandy Madera is leading the Mexican League in HR's with twelve. I miss him so much.

By the way, Ellis Burks should be the new Pawtucket coach.

"A ring is a ring, it's a material thing."

"And I'm gonna get one." - PM

So this is the end of RJ. All I have left is Jeff Bailey, and he's likely gone like Saharan sands. They should make him the manager. It would a give a whole new meaning to coaching "sessions".

No, seriously, is Todd Claus going to take the job? Bob Tewksbury? Merloni? AGHCK. I don't like Merloni very much.

former Red Sox players who could manage in Pawtucket:
1. Bill Mueller. YES!!!! This would be beyond BEYOND.
2. Curtis Leskanic... I guess not. Pitchers don't usually get this job.
3. Mirabelli? No. NO WAY.
4. Trot Nixon? Probably not. But that would be killer.

It'll probably be Gary DiSarcina or someone equally as boring. What about one of the Cliburn brothers? I would be all over that. Or Eric Wedge. Or Bob Zupcik.

How about Mo Vaughn?

In a related story, I was listening to a Bruins game on the radio and I swear... I SWEAR!!!... the PA guy is the guy from McCoy Stadium. Please, if someone can confirm this I would do anything. This poor guy gets no pub. He's not even listed in the annual PawSox program.

Chris Carpenter has a hungry heart.

We had a great time at the GSBD. Nothing warms my heart more than watching some stuck-up millionaire in a tragic suit jacket bid thousands of dollars on an autographed guitar. I'm sure it holds a lot of meaning for him. As in, name more than three songs by this man. Go on. And then go home and lick your CY.

Okay, I no longer want to keep this brief. It's been too long.

Jim Rice signed for everybody. You would have seen the contempt in his eyes if he'd bothered to make eye contact with his fellow human beings.

The Papelbon brothers are far less ugly than their lobotomized brother.

Heidi Watney is flawless and slicker than goose shit. She handled the Q&A like the pro she is. HW is beautiful and poised. She is Forever Heidi. She cannot, however, go out and get shitfaced with her friends. She probably can't wear shorts. She can't go down into the basement at a party and do bong hits with the seedy kidz. I feel so sorry for her.

I think Tom Curran was there. I see him everywhere lately. He's not bad.

Former lady baller Mary Pratt OWNED the hotel function room!! Her brief speech and tough-girl baseball song put the other piles of clothing to shame.

Ricky Romero won some kind of award. His acceptance speech was so boring.

snake party:
1. The drinks were pretty weak and I did not get salad because I was not in my seat and my table companions didn't fight for my right to field greens.
2. I told the poor kid selling raffle tickets that the Armory was a better place for the dinner. The expo center is probably a flea market on weekends, with the industrial cracked cement floor and exposed water pipes.
3. When I saw some guy with a pair of boxing gloves next to his dinner plate, I wondered what the hell was going on. Turns out Angelo Dundee is a rather important boxing guy. Even I was impressed.
4. Tom Signore, Fisher Cats pitching coach, is... friendly.
5. Sam Fuld could not attend because his wife was pushing a kid out.
6. I didn't see Tewks, either.

One final thing: Blue Jays starting pitcher Jesse Litsch was possibly the most intoxicated guest of the night and easily the most entertaining.

God bless!

It's not over, Hunter Jones! It's... no, it's over this time.

Good riddance, I guess.

No, I take that back. Jones has certain capabilities. He will be an asset to the Marlins.

Stay tuned.

you needed me

Sometimes, at the end of the baseball season, a newspaper might do a team assessment article and give school-grades from A to F to all the players, the manager, and the team as a whole. Cute, right?

I don't want to do that. I can't even remember any outfielders... well, the sight of Chris Carter lummoxing around in left or right will never fade. But other than that... okay, I remember Sean Danielson, who only played in like, four games. But he was friendly, like the kid next door to you who is also your paper boy.

Except Danielson is totally secretly freaky! AWWWW YEEAAAAH!!!

In lieu of player assessment (no one's getting above a 'C' anyway), I'm gonna grade items of miscellany.

OVERALL 2009 MCCOY STADIUM EXPERIENCE: C+. It rained a lot. (The Yankees ballpark was rendered a stank quagmire and a total embarrassment because of it.) Julio Lugo came with the rain and left in a cloud. Something on the first base side smelled perpetually like hair relaxing chemicals. The alternative food stand was closed a lot. Angel Chavez blew off the fans all year, without a fraction of Billy Traber's assholish panache. I cried into my scorecard.

ALTERNATE BALLPARK ENTERTAINMENT: B+. Hello, Star Wars Day? Bob Dylan played as well, but I didn't go even though I'm wildly wealthy. Also, Dontrelle Willis showed up! YES.

PARKING: A. I always get killer parking spots.

P.A. GUY: B+. I love this guy. I can still hear the former P.A. guy saying, "Here is tonight's Citgo Hot Seat Quiz game!" But the newer guy, well, he's terrific. I should know his name.

BILLY TRABER'S PERSONALITY: A+! Kind of weird, kind of an asshole, yet lovable and talented. This is why he has so many more friends than Jeff Natale does.

POSTER NIGHT: C-. Held indoors due to rain. I think the first autograph I got was Junichi Tazawa. Weak.

BULLPEN ANTICS: D. They grew tomato plants, flipped cups around, tossed pieces of paper. ZZZZZZZ.

VISITING TEAM EXCITEMENT: D. Way too many Iron Pigs games. Come on, now.

SCOREBOARD EXTRAS: B-. I liked the players going over the rules and regs, even if toward the end of the year, half the guys were gone. I enjoyed the way Chip Ambres said "running rowdyism" when he was listing ballpark infractions as if it were one concept. I may have to work it into a conversation. "Last Saturday my sister and I were totally running rowdyism downtown!" And who can forget Gil Velazquez' star turn when he said, "Keep cell phone conversations private"?

WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN INNINGS: B-. They're still doing the fifth inning Mighty Molar Soft Toss, where Paws and Sox toss/shoot balls into the stands. My question is this: Who is Mighty Molar? What does he/she have to do with anything? WHO IS MIGHTY MOLAR?!

Also between innings: The trivia question, GBA, birthdays, Carly Simon, and, sadly, Sweet Caroline. Sometimes a Boston score update.

Wish me luck.

Aaron Bates update. Gil Velazquez update. Ivan Ochoa update.

Aaron Bates has been on the 60 day DL since 9/28.

Gil Velazquez is a coach at the Las Vegas baseball Acadamy. He was in Mexicali getting ready to play baseball before he was called up, but it doesn't seem like he returned.

Ivan Ochoa is playing winter ball, possibly in Venezuela.

Mysterious Players who Appeared in the 2006 PawSox official Program

1. David Bacani - Eentsy utility infielder who last played for Portland in 2007. Was last spotted in the independent leagues (Orange County Flyers). Boston picked him up in the AAA rule 5 draft from the Mets in 2005.

2. Randy Beam - Randall Cartee(?) Beam last pitched for Portland in 2006. Disappeared for a while but resurfaced in 2009 with the Pensacola Pelicans (IND).

3. Chris Durbin - Outfielder who last played in Portland in 2006. I saw him at one of the Xmas parties. He quit baseball. He just quit. Creepy.

4. Pat Magness - WHO?! DH/1B/corner outfielder type who was released by the org in 2006 without playing a single game for us. Last seen in the independent leagues (Kansas City T-Bones)in 2008. Again, WHO?!

5. Josh Pressley - Played seven games at first base for Pawtucket in 2006. Another guy doing the independent thing.

6. Victor Ramos - RHP, worked 29 games in Portland in 2006 and was released in July of that year. Could be dead for all I know.

7. Cameron Reimers - Big RHP from Montana. Kinda sexy. Drafted as a minor league free agent in January '06, then released that April. Then nothing more. Aw.

8. Jason Richardson - RHP picked up from the Braves in the AAA rule 5. Actually pitched in two games for Pawtucket in '06. I cannot believe I have forgotten this guy. Currently in the Atlantic League, which is the fanciest of the independents. Their rosters are STACKED, unlike the small potatoes Can-Am League.

9. Jon Searles - RHP signed as a minor league FA. Was a reliever in Portland in 2006 and then moved on. Last seen... yeah, you get the idea.

That was so exciting! I'm easing my way back in, guys.

I love you so much.

Unexpected PawSox players

1. Enrique Wilson
2. Junior Spivey
3. Bobby Kielty
4. Jason Lane
5. Joey Gathright
6. Hee-Seop Choi
7. Ken Huckaby
8. Royce Clayton
9. Dustan Mohr
10. Runelvys Hernandez
11. Alex Prieto
12. Joe McEwing
13. Kerry Robinson
14. Alex Ochoa
15. Michael Tucker
16. Shawn Wooten
17. Jeremi Gonzalez
18. Josh Wilson

Dustan Mohr was a jerk!

Chris Carter designated for assignment.

The funny thing is, I doubt Carter has even left Rhode Island. The thought of him hanging around down near the beach creeps me out.

Everybody loved that guy and it was disgusting. I found his overly-friendly good guy demeanor highly suspect. It came off phony.

Great hitter! Great son! Big, strong kid! Probably very smart. Probably a perfectly great guy. Yet still, kind of a tool.

And kind of a terrorist.

Come for the girlfriends. Stay for the quality.

Still nothing going on, so let's check out some search terms!

1. "jimmy smits snl skit" - Oh, hell, there's only one worth anything. And it involves enchiladas and the Broncos.

2. "heavy bike pitchers" - People are throwing bikes? I'm not sure I understand.

3. "the yankees are champions of baseball" - Sure.

4. "they said three times a lady, i say three times your crazy. too dumb with messin around, baseball love three strikes your out" - I'm not sure I know that song.

5. "baseball heave" - Too much crappy beer at the park.

6. "i am gonna kill myself" - Don't do it!

7. "darnell dawkins so solid" - I totally agree.

8. "helton skelton" - Go ROCKIES@!!!!!

9. "pawtucket sucks" - No suh!

10. "ryan westmoreland/zack segovia/jeff natale/freddy guzman/mike cervenak/tj large/logan kensing/craig breslow/matt tolbert girlfriend" - Please, what is it with the girlfriend thing?

That's it.

I totally get it now!

This is my rendition of the Pawtucket home bullpen. As you can see, this year's team spray painted some kind of effed up code below the seats.

"S m" to the far right was generally Javier Lopez' seat. I think the 'X' in the box was the spot for the water cooler.

What does it all mean?

Maybe the 'T' is for towels, and that's where they wanted the towels. Maybe 'T' was Hunter Jones' stupid nickname? Or whoever usually sat there, maybe it was Vaquedano.

I enjoy crossword puzzles and cryptograms, so this is a terrific puzzler for me. J+V? WHAT.

Aaron Bates' story, which may have a moral.

Aaron Bates was pitching in Little League. He was doing really well, either a no-hitter or maybe a shutout? And then some kid came up and hit the game winning run. It may have been a home run or whatever.

Bates could not be too upset, though, because the kid's father was in the hospital, dying.

I was there when Bates told this story. I stopped paying attention about halfway through it. I thought he would never shut up. That's why I'm fuzzy on the details. Also, Aaron Bates may have been totally high.

Brace yourself for more pointless anecdotes. It's all I have at this point.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down!

Rochester Red Wings manager Stan Cliburn's contract is not being renewed. I'll bet he's super pissed off! I wonder who will take over? I'm distraught.

I just read in the Boston newspaper that the Connecticut Defenders will not return to Norwich, CT. They're just figuring that out now?

Hunter Jones is in Boston now, being boring. RJ is in Boston now, being gregarious.

I must try harder to update.

unspeakable

Bronson Arroyo threw a perfect game in Pawtucket in 2003. It was great. He just seemed like a skinny youngster you could root for. I really liked him!

Then one day, I saw him on the sports channel being interviewed. It was during an off day for Boston. And at the end of the interview, he whipped his guitar out and started singing "If you could only see the way she loves me... maybe you would understand..." GAAAAH MY EARS!!!

One word: TRAUMATIC. I was absolutely horrified and I could never really root for Arroyo again. He went on to release a CD of cover songs and play at Foxwoods and stuff. It was completely ridiculous. I'll bet he thought he was hot shit.

I hope no baseball players ever do something like this again.

Durham Bulls take game 2 in the Governor's Cup finals!

This is not double A.

I noticed the occasional Homer Simpson yelp during some of the latter Pawtucket games this summer. You know... the visiting pitcher throws over to first to keep the runner honest (you have to kind of imagine that the PawSox had real, actual baserunners this summer) and suddenly you hear "BO-RING!" over the PA.

Don't do that. That's something they do at Defenders games. Don't lower yourself like that, McCoy Stadium.

Durham Bulls take game 1 of the Governor's Cup Finals v Yankees.

Russ Morman (finger throat slash)

Pawtucket Red Sox hitting coach Russ Morman was shitcanned while Pawtucket was playing their last game in Syracuse. Yes, staff members went out there and did it, like, immediately after the last game ended. This should not have been a surprise to me, but it was a little bit.

I wonder if Russ saw the guys coming and made a run for it? Did he end up running down an alley and up against a chain-link fence? Did he try to hide in a dumpster?

I would have more wistful feelings about Morman's dismissal if I knew anything about him or had any recollection of who he was. He was not brash and swaggery like Rich Sauveur, I don't think.

Get you playoff tickets!

So I received an e-mail titled "CT Defenders in the Playoff". Check it out!

"I'm Sure you have heard the news, but the CT Defenders are in the playoffs. The CT Defenders will take on the New Britain Rock Cats today and tomorrow at dodd stadium and if need be Saturday the 13th. Tickets will be regular price for the playoffs, so come out and join us.

You can order you tickets a head of time or come the day of the game, whatever is easier for you.

Call us at 860-887-7962

Thanks

Kyle Spencer
Group Sales intern
CT Defenders"

Kyle... spellcheck? Or at least have someone look it over?

Anyway, I wish I could go! But thanks.

Pawtucket Red Sox (PawSox) 2010 Schedule

It's not out yet.

But here's what I have:

Opening series: 8/8 - 8/11 Opening Homestand v Rochester Red Wings (MIN)

April 14-16 Away! Playing in Buffalo

April 17-20 More away in New York, a Rochester series(es)

April 23-26 Back at home, more Buffalo.

April 27-30 Homestand continues v Indianapolis Indians (Pirates)

May 1-4 Pawtucket goes to Georgia for hot, wet Braves action. Riaan Spanjer-Furstenberg!!!

May 10-13 Homestand, Braves return the favor and come to naked, barely legal Pawtucket.

May 14-17 PawSox still at home, playing Syracuse. Neither Jeff Natale's nor Travis Denker's girlfriend will be there.

June 8-11 Pawtucket goes to Indiana! Put on your nude pantyhose and cum to the game!

June 25-28 Pawtucket returns to Syracuse. LOU MERLONI GIRLFRIEND

CRAIG BRESLOW GIRLFRIEND! HOW HEAVY IS A BASEBALL!!

July 8-9 Two games at home versus Rochester. Right around fireworks at McCoy Stadium time!

July 10-11 Followed by the Syracuse deuce

August 13-16 Buffalo comes to Pawtucket

August 21-25 Pawtucket goes to Buffalo. Ryan Westmoreland does not. Wait, that's five games!?

August 26-29 @ Rochester. Damn, these guys go to New York a lot.

August 30-31 Red Wings come to McCoy

September (call ups) 5-6 At home v Syracuse.

NICK GREEN!!!

9.7.09 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Syracuse Chiefs (WAS)

Syracuse WINS! 5-3. Syracuse the city LOSES! population. Have I ripped on Syracuse enough? It has a nice fountain that you can ride your bike through. But the only time I wanna see Syracuse again is if they're being crushed by the PC Friars. Oh yeah, IT HAPPENED!!!

Chiefs starter Shairon Martis was almost on the hook for a loss. Enrique Gonzalez could have won this game, but TJ Large blew the save in the eighth inning. Large loaded up the bases before getting an out... but then, Ian Desmond grounded into a force so Leonard Davis was out at home (good job, Jed Lowrie). But Gustavo Molina hit a ground rule double, scoring a pair of Chiefs.

Large followed all of that up with an intentional walk to Mike Daniel. Right. Who? But Dennis Hopper had a productive groundout, scoring Norma Desmond. The very large and very frightening Daryle Ward was the next batter, and I would have been shitting myself, but Ward grounded out to second to end the inning. 5-3 Pawtucket and Logan Kensing shut it down in the ninth, facing Bates, Denker, and Danielson. FIN.

arcane string:
1. Chris Carter went 3-4 with a double. Mark Wagner hit a two-run single in the sixth.
2. Jose Vaquedano pitched two scoreless innings.
3. Big Brad Eldred hit a home run. Imagine if he laid down on top of me? SQUISH!!!
4. Angel Chavez did not play again. I have to wonder if he was held back from the road trip, much like McBeth and Lopez.
5. And so it begins: Dusty Brown gets a call from Boston. It should have been Maldonado. No, I will not get over it.
6. Enrique Gonzalez has freckles. You can't really tell unless you look closely. It is darling.
7. The Chiefs did not make the playoffs, but they finished over .500.
8. Kensing, Desmond, Zack Segovia, Marco Estrada, and Ross Detwiler were all called up to Washington.
9. After the game, several Chiefs players tossed their hats into the stands.

Tonight! Kris Johnson v Drew Carpenter! Or Zink v Jack Egbert? Wait, you mean I'm all finished? I don't have to make out the lineups which I fucking hate doing because the first names are not listed on the minor league web site and I can't allow myself to just put the last names? And how am I supposed to remember everyone's first name? Who Davis? Who Garcia? And is it Barbaro Canizares or Andy Cannizaro?

SEE YA!!!!!

9.6.09 Pawtucket @ Syracuse

12-5 PawSox. Hang on, let me check that again... yes, 12-5.

Lefty Jack Spradlin was the somewhat unfortunate starter for Syracuse. Spradlin only pitched 4 innings. And it's not like his pitch count was astronomical, either (67 pitches). I think it's that he's a reliever. That's my guess. Spradlin gave up three runs on five hits.

Syracuse's bullpen was a big problem. Josh Wilkie coughed up a pair of runs, Yunior Novoa was responsible for three, and Zechry Zinicola gave up four. This all happened in seven innings.

Adam Mills start wasn't a Christmas miracle, either. Mills went five (classic Pawtucket shift for a starter) and the Chiefs got nine hits off him, converting them to four runs. Hunter Jones gave up another run because he can't help it, and Fernando Cabrera pitched the last inning perfectly. Five runs usually means a Pawtucket loss, but who knows what the hell happened?

Pawtucket offense: The following dudes had doubles - Bailey, Denker, Danielson, and Lowrie. JED Lowrie? Ha! Lowrie had to go to Syracuse!

The following dudes had two RBI: Bailey, Lowrie, Wagner and Danielson. I know Danielson is probably off to a hot start, but this is a guy who was shunted in favor of guys like Freddie Guzman and Chris Duncan and Bubba Bell. CRIMINAL.

The following dudes had three hits: Dusty Brown and Travis Denker. The following dudes grounded into double plays: Bailey and Wagner.

too few to mention:
1. Aaron Bates played left field and had an assist. If you say that fast, it sounds like you're saying he had a cyst.
2. Jeff Bailey led off and played first. For old time's sake.
3. Jed Lowrie made an error.
4. Angel Chavez DNP.
5. Forgot to mention the other night that Chiefs infielder Ian Desmond was wicked nice to the kids at McCoy and is handsome and debonair.
6. This was game one of a double header.

Tonight! Enrique. All you need to know, sweetheart.

migajas

1. Kevin Cash has been released by the Yankees.
2. Bobby Scales has been called up again.
3. Urban legend regarding former PawSox great Jon Lester: Manchester Fisher Cats had a Lester bobblehead night. Jon Lester allegedly bought tickets, stood in line, and waited along with everyone else to get his own bobblehead. He was very nice to everyone who talked to him.
Here's the problem I have with this story: Everything. Baseball players do not go to baseball games. Jon Lester does not want a bobblehead. Jon Lester probably does not know how to get to New Hampshire. And most assuredly, Lester is not particularly "nice".

Have a good weekend.

Thought I'd something more to say.

So that's it, I guess.

I have nothing of substance to add to last night's game. There was a cop in the bullpen. Hunter Jones and Jose Vaquedano must be receiving death threats.

Chris Carter won the MVP Award. It is well deserved.

As for me, well, I'm glad it's over. I'm ready for a fresh Pawtucket team. I'm not wishing this team well or giving them my best regards or anything, because I'm sure they will be fine no matter what.

Tonight! Adam Mills in Syracuse. Bleagh. I would not want my summer ending in that stinkhole.

9.5.09 Pawtucket Red Sox v Syracuse Chiefs (WAS)

8-2 Pawtucket! Some poor kid named Andrew Kown got tattooed by the Pawtucket Red Sox. He is never going to live it down.

Randor Bierd would be yer Red Sox starter. Bierd got the win. He pitched five reasonably good innings. He even faced a couple of batters in the sixth, but did not record an out.

And that's when Javier Lopez came in. Lopez is a stranger in an open car. Lopez pitched three damn innings, which is awesome for a former LOOGY. Oh, and he set the Chiefs down in order. Nine outs. Very nice. Today is the day, modefoque!

Fellow WBC pitcher Fernando Cabrera made it interesting in the ninth when he gave up hits to Davis and Desmond, but he breathed and focused and figured it all out and went K, pop out to third, K.

Pawtucket offense: Almost all the good stuff happened in the third inning. Denker, Chavez, and Danielson all singled. This chippy shit resulted in a run. Then Jeff Natale walked to load the bases. Bubba Bell grounds out and gets Chavez home. Mark Wagner does the same damn thing, except he drives in Danielson. "Drives in" might be giving Wagner a little too much credit for a productive ground out, but I am feeling expansive.

Chris Carter followed the grounding out nonsense with a two-run bomb. I'm sure he had a boner as he circled the bases. 5-2 Pawtucket and Chiefs starter Andrew Kown is probably starting to realize that this isn't his night.

Did anything happen between Chris Chriscarterson's homer and the eighth inning? Not much. But in the eighth, first basethug Aaron Bates led things off with a single. Then with one out, Angel Chavez doubles! Runners on second and third and... you are going to die... reliever Zechry Zinicola intentionally walks Sean Danielson! I'll bet the little guy got all puffed up with pride.

What happened next? Jeff Natale hit a three-run double. Wow, mom, wow. 8-2 PawSox and that's how the game ended.

and i won't go away until you tell me so:
1. Dusty Brown went 3-4. Jeff Natale had those three RBIs. Mark Wagner went 0-5 with two strikeouts.
2. Angel Chavez was big once again! Not only that, but he kicked ass defensively at short. Chavez is like a Law Enforcement Cheetah.
3. Post-game, final game, whatever. Squishy balls a go-go. I caught one off washed up lefty Hunter Jones. It could become my most prized possession.
4. Lopez only threw 23 pitches in his three innings of work. I am under the impression that he is on his way to Boston, but it could be just a rumor. ALL I KNOW is that misc staff members were shaking the guy's hand in a "great working with you" kinda fashion.
5. Chiefs DH Daryle Ward had a big night, going 3-4 with a HR.

Can I finish tomorrow? I am gonna die, here.

Randor Bierd wants you to cheer up.

Randor Bierd is a big righty from the DR. He is listed at 6'4" 180 lbs. 180 lbs? Yeah. And I'm Cyndi Lauper.

Bierd was signed by the Tigers as an undrafted free agent in 2003. He was rule 5 drafted by the Orioles in December of 2007. And then Baltimore gave him up for David Pauley. Kind of lose-lose, n'est ce pas?

you may lose them one day, someone takes them away:
1. Randor Bierd played for the Michigan Whitecaps and the Erie Seawolves. And the Oneonta Tigers.
2. Groaner headline: "O's Bullpen Grows a Bierd".
3. Randor Bierd had help developing his changeup and it came from Pedro Martinez.

That's all. Randor Bierd is very mysterious.

9.4.09 PawSox v Syracuse Chiefs

7-3 Chiefs. Sky Chiefs. Nationals. Whatever.

This game is notable only because Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched. I'll bet everyone in the park left at the same time he did.

Aside from a few decent relievers, have you ever seen a bigger bunch of scrubs than the Pawtucket Red Sox this year? I was at a game the other night and it was such a BASEBALL MOCKERY OF A SHAM that I left. I was bored.

Seriously. Jeff Natale? Bubba Bell? Dusty Brown? Gil Velazquez? TJ Large? Travis Denker? Who dey?

Aaron Bates proved to be boring after being a monster in double-A. Kris Johnson was crap. Mark Wagner, a letdown. Bailey, downhill. Bowden, too many walks. Charlie Zink, weak.

Marcus McBeth was cool, I guess. And... no, I think that's all. McBeth. Good work, my friend.

Right now, Pawtucket is 58-81. Tonight is the last home game. Losing it would be par for the course.

Baby Chris Carter is a tough kid.

"I'm not upset, I swear. I haven't cried since I was seven years old. That was when the Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan."

9.3.09 Red Sox v Red Wings

Pawtucket loses again, 6-4. It was RA Dickey up against Billy Traber.

Traber pitched six innings and gave up five runs on eight hits. Charlie Zink is a reliever now, I guess. Just like 2005 and 2006!

Zink gave up the sixth run in his 1 1/3 innings of work. He put runners on second and third and was requested to depart the mound in favor of Javier Lopez. Lopez could have helped a brother out, but instead, he gave up an RBI single to the hitterish Brock Peterson.

Pawtucket had a runner in scoring position in the ninth, but Gil Velazquez failed to deliver. IN BED. Game over!

if i tell you tonight, would you turn out the lights?
1. Dustin Martin had two RBI for Rochester
2. Hey, looky here: Sean Danielson is a good baseball player. Stupid fucking management. You should have been playing this kid the whole time.
3. Anthony Slama pitched post-Dickey and finished the last two innings. RA Dickey and Anthony Slama, guys. Come. On.
4. Who doubled for the Red Wings? Macri, Butera, Pridie, Tolbert, and Valencia. Valencia swore he'd burn the whole city down.
5. Two RBI for Velazquez. Wow.
6. Jed Lowrie is still hanging around. He is not batting after Jeff Bailey and Joe Thurston, though.

Two home games left! I'm skipping the game tonight but I'll be there Saturday. I'm prepared, I swear.

September 2nd, 2009: Pawtucket Red Sox (BOS) v Rochester Red Wings (MIN)

Pawtucket WINS! 7-6.

Here's what happened: Enrique Gonzalez pitched okay, Chris Carter hit a three-run homer, Sean Danielson went 2-4 with a double. Gonzalez also benefited from snappy defense, in spite of Angel Chavez having the night off.

TJ Large almost blew it, but Fernando Cabrera bailed him out. A 7-2 lead turned into a 7-6 game in the ninth.

Good crowd. Kids are in school.

innings:
1. First inning: Red Wings go down in order. Denker makes a pair of neat plays by the stands. For Pawtucket, Natale leads off with a double to center. Pawtucket does not score.
2. Second inning: Brock Peterson doubles, but that's it. Travis Denker hits a ball to deep center with Wagner on base, but the ball is caught by Pridie and turned into a double play. Or is it? Denker does not buy it and neither do I! It sure looked like the ball may have hit the grass before the glove. JASON.
3. Third: Matt Macri singles, that's all. Danielson doubles, Natale singles, and Bubba Bell hits an RBI single. Lowrie strikes out swinging and starts giving the umpire hell, even though he is really just rehabbing so who cares. RJ comes out and takes care of business. Chris Carter bats next and homers and it's all too beautiful.
4. All batters go down in order.
5. Brock Peterson triples to center. Bubba Bell hits the wall hard and crumples to the ground. I knew he was okay. Sac fly by Dustin Martin brings Peterson home, and then Matt Macri solo homers. For Pawtucket, Danielson singles and moves to second on an error, but he's left flapping in the breeze by his teammmates.
6. Juan Morillo in for Jones. Morillo walks Carter, walks Wagner, and the runners advance on a wild pitch. Denker flies to center and Carter scores. 5-2 Pawtucket.
7. Hunter Jones comes in. Jose Lugo comes in. Chris Carter hits an RBI single. 6-2 Pawtucket.
8. Bates hit by pitch, Denker walks. Natale singles home Aaron Bates. 7-2 Pawtucket.
9. TJ Large at the control panel. Single, single, RBI single. Single. Strikeout. Fernando Cabrera is warming up. Fernando Cabrera replaces Large. Pridie hits a two-run single, but Cabrera gets Matt Tolbert to strike out swinging. Way too close. My heart can't take it.

I know you want more but you'll have to wait.

NATALE!!!!

9.1.09 Red Sox @ Iron Pigs - Geez, get a room already, you two!

Lehigh Valley wins, 3-2. Kyle Kendrick goes seven plus for the Iron Pigs and gets the win.

As a matter of fact, it looked like Pawtucket was going to be shut out AGAIN, but the eighth inning rolled around and Bubba Bell hit a two-run triple. JIGGA WHAT? Yes. Mark Wagner could have driven in Bell from third, I suppose, but he flew out instead to end the inning.

Adam Mills started for Pawtucket. Mills only pitched four innings, but he was up to 85 pitches and there's your Red Sox Organizational Philosophy. I know it's developmental, but this year especially... you might as well go to an AFL game.

i'll drink to that!
1. Bubba Bell batted home Gil Velazquez and Angel Chavez. Chavez had doubled. It was awesome.
2. Big Brett Myers pitched the ninth inning and shut the PawSox down. It must have been so easy. He was probably thinking about his post-game plans the whole time.
3. Dustin Richardson had a killer relief appearance, going two full with no base runners and three strikeouts.
4. McBeth also pitched two relief innings and held the I-Pigs scoreless. I will miss him when he goes.
5. Bates and Denker also doubled.

I'll be at the park tonight... Compton, Long Beach, Englewood. With my jeans on and my team strong.

Bad news about Devern Hansack?

"Otra mala noticia se suma a la de Vicente Padilla. Se informa que los Medias Rojas de Boston no esperaron ni siquiera la recuperación de Devern Hansack inicios tras ser operado a inicios de su temporada con el Pawtuket y le dieron de baja de la organización.

Boston argumentó que tienen suficientes lanzadores como para darle espacio al nica de 31 años, que difícilmente encontrará otra organización dispuesta a contratarlo, menos si no se conoce cómo quedó de su operación en su hombro derecho."

- from El Nuevo Diario, Nicaragua.

This story makes it seem like the Red Sox are jerking Hansack around. I'm having a really hard time translating this, but it has something to do with his shoulder being questionable after surgery and Boston basically saying, "We don't have the roster space for you right now, but we're not going to allow you to go somewhere else. Who would want you, anyway, what with your bum shoulder?"

Nicaragua is angry on Hansack's behalf.

Also, if anyone can provide a more accurate translation, help me out.

8.31.09 PawSox @ I-Pigs - "LV2TRN2"

The Phillies triple-A team WINS! 4-1 and it is probably Javier Lopez' fault.

What we have here is Drew Carpenter again. Is this the third time he's pitched v Pawtucket in 2009? Not fair. Of course, it feels like Pawtucket's played the Iron Pigs 88 times this summer. Wouldn't you rather see more Durham Bulls or Mud Hens or Bats?

Carpenter is a strong man and he pitched seven innings and threw sapphire bullets of pure love. One run on six hits for Carpenter. Carp, maybe they call him.

Pawtucket scored its only run in the fourth inning. Carter led it off with a single, but was shot down at second when Anderson grounded into a force. Then Denker singled and Brown singled and Anderson scampered home.

Michael Bowden started for Pawtucket. B. pitched five innings and didn't walk anyone. I think that is great! Bowden's one surrendered run came in the fifth, when he allowed two leadoff singles and a couple of small-ball sacrifices to score the run and tie the game.

TJ Large and Javier Lopez paired up to be criminal relievers. Large allowed Lehigh Valley to pull ahead in the sixth inning. Former Orioles hottie David Newhan walked with two outs and John Mayberry Jr doubled him in. 2-1 Iron Pigs!

Large continued to be shaky in the seventh inning, when he decided to load the bases instead of getting outs. Lopez came in after Cervenak lined out to right. And big, hairy Andy Tracy immediately hit a two-run single and all hope was lost.

So TJ Large took the loss for Pawtucket.

now you see why evil will always prevail:
1. David Newhan again! Newhan's got a pretty extensive Wikipedia entry, which you should read. Baby.
2. Pawtucket could not muster more than a few scattered singles. Angel Chavez' tiny, adorable hitting streak ended.
3. I guess I don't get to see Gathright play at McCoy Stadium. Why is my life so hard?

Tonight! I was going to go to the park, but then it would just be me and the leafblower people. More Pigs. Goodbye.

8.30.09 Game 2 of the Scranton Double Header

6-1 Yankees. Not necessarily the offense's fault this time.

Charlie Zink only pitched 4 1/3 innings. Oddly enough, Zink kept Scranton scoreless through four innings. He walked four batters, but that's par for the course.

Hunter Jones took over in the fifth inning with runners on second and third. Jones faced Juan Miranda, who sac flied to get Cody Ransom home from third. Jones then intentionally walked Yurendell DeCaster (Why not IBB Miranda? He's the deadly Mash Monster!) to face Colin Curtis and get the third out.

Hunter Jones continued his streak of dominance in the sixth inning when John Rodriguez led the inning off with a triple to left. Chris Stewart then grounded out, and Jones intentionally walked Kevin Russo, who was probably really flattered! Ramiro Pena then singled and RJ took Hunter Jones out of the game. I'm sure Jones handled everything with quiet dignity and grace.

Enrique Gonzalez entered the game and... you know what, fuck it. Shit pitching plus no offense plus two errors equals the worst slop of minor league baseball. Pass me the cheese fries and the domestic beer.

look at her now. she's starting to yawn:
1. Chris Woodward... holy crap. Woodward went 0-3, left runners in scoring position, and made two errors.
2. Bates and Denker each doubled. Dusty Brown was responsible for the sole RBI in the seventh inning, when he batted Chris ChrisCarterson in from third base. Boy, I'll bet the Red Sox fans in the crowd were hoping for a rally!
3. Josh Reddick made an outfield assist, which reminds me of Sean Danielson and his very exciting assisting outfield arm. Sean Danielson probably has swine flu or something. May I ask why the hell he's been kept around so long? Because he's the best at coaching first base? Baseball is so cruel.
4. Shelley Duncan had 4 RBI in this game. I can't hate Juan Miranda too much, even though he destroys Pawtucket pitching. But Duncan? AAAAARRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! One of these days I'm going to cut him into little pieces!
5. Hunter Jones has changed, man. He really has. In every way.
6. Righty Jason Hirsh got the win for the Yankees. He got five strikeouts in five-ish innings. He is also freaking huge - 6'8" and 250 lbs. Hirsh is a new Yankee acquisition from the Rockies. Yankees fans do not really care about him. I, for one, love him like crazy.
7. 71-35. That's Zink's pitches-strikes yesterday. And his walk total for the year? 92. Number one in the IL! Zink is creaming the competition. Wade Davis is a distant second with 59.

Tonight! The Iron Pigs for the 99th time! I would be less annoyed if Val Pascucci was on the team. That guy was the MAN!

MIRANDA!!!!

The Red Sox. The Yankees. The Gathright.

Red Sox WIN! 5-3 in seven innings. Game one of a double header.

Your glorious and smiling starting pitcher would be Mister Randor Bierd, so lush and handsome, if a bit of a dandy. Bierd pitched five and a third and only gave up two runs to the Yankees. One of them was a solo home run by Shelley Duncan, who's ferociously homely but the lad can hit.

Javier Lopez finished off the sixth inning for Bierd. It was perfect. Fernando Cabrera stepped in to close it out, but not before giving up a couple of hits... well, the Yurendell deCaster solo home run. The other hit was catcher Francisco Cervelli being an annoying shithead and bunting. Which name do you like better? Fernando or Francisco? They're both pretty happening.

I like the name 'Javier' myself. Very roguish. Although Yurendell... hmmm...

Whoa, I'm back. JOEY GATHRIGHT IS ON THE PAWTUCKET RED SOX!!! You don't know what this does to me. Gathright got a hit and a run. It all started in the first inning (first inning... first inning... first inning)...

... A Sunday afternoon. It was a warmish day in Moosic, PA, 73 degrees and partly cloudy. The anthem played, the home team took the field, and the big baddies from Back East sent youngster Josh Reddick to the plate. Red flew out to center, but the Yankees weren't counting on seeing Joey Gathright! "Now batting for the Paw-tucket Red Sox... number 25... Joey Gathright..."

"Gathright?", the crowd was heard whispering... yes, Gathright. Who singled off Ivan Nova to kick it all off. Then Lowrie drew a walk. Two men on for Chris Carter... and a line drive to left! Gathright runs! Crushes third base, heads home full-bore! Crosses the plate... SAFE! 1-0 Pawtucket!

Jeff Bailey hit an RBI single and Mark Wagner, who also had a big night, doubled in the third Red Sox run. 3-0 Pawtucket.
horny patty:
1. So then Josh Reddick sac flied Angel Chavez home in the second. And Reddick tripled in the fourth, bringing Chavez home from first. They make a good team, those guys.
2. Ivan Nova! Can you believe it? Life is just a fantasy, man!
3. Do you like Josh Reddick batting leadoff? Yes, you do.
4. Hey... if loving Joey Gathright is wrong, then... then I'd better re-assess my attachment disorder and cordon off my feelings until the numbness sets in.

Is that good enough? I think so!

pm snap: Alex Cora on deck 2008.

8.29.09 Pawtucket @ Scranton Wilkes Barre Yankees

3-0 Scrankees, Pawtucket shut out again. If there is an older story this year, I do not know what it is. Maybe the grocery shrink ray.

Josh Towers pitched six shutout innings, Mark Melancon pitched two shutout innings, and Jonathan Albaladejo closed it out perfectly. Albaladejo pitched to Carter, Brian Anderson, and Bubba Bell.

Have you ever seen Albaladejo? Let's just say his physique is questionable. He has boobs, is what I'm saying. But Yankees fans love him and what am I doing with my life anyway? At least his job is playing baseball and he probably has fun like, every day. Meanwhile I have 130,000 miles on my car and I eat peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast.

Billy Traber started for Pawtucket. Traber gave up nine hits and three walks during his five inning stint, but only three runs. That was enough, though. I'll bet Traber had some good D behind him.

Dustin Richardson and Fernando Cabrera teamed up to provide excellent scoreless relief. Richardson struck out three batters during his two innings.

Yup.

i don't care much for that. i don't know why.
1. Chris Carter led the team in hits, with two singles. This makes me want to cry.
2. Jeff Bailey went 0-4 with 2 K's. THANKS A LOT, NOW CAN YOU PLEASE PLAY FOR ANOTHER FRANCHISE?
3. Kevin "Frank J" Russo hit a solo home run for the Yankees.
4. Jose Vaquedano went on the DL. Finally.
5. Aaron Bates sat out again and Bailey played first. What ails you, Batesy?
6. Angel Chavez is suddenly batting .249. Because I said, hey, here's your chance to get called up.
7. Typical SWB bastards Juan Miranda and Shelly Duncan each doubled. Actually, everyone in the lineup had at least one hit. Except John Rodriguez, probably because he's a sinner.
8. Josh Towers was just player of the week, along with Mike Hessman. HESSMANIA!!!
9. Rain ruins baseball.

Tomorrow! Maybe Paul Byrd, maybe Charlie Zink. Maybe fuck yourself.

Pawtucket Red Sox September Call-ups

Game rained out last night. Here are my predictions for September call-ups.

1. Jeff Bailey
2. Josh Reddick
3. Angel Chavez
4. Marcus McBeth
5. Fernando Cabrera

I'm pretty sure Bailey is a given, but imagine if they didn't call him up? PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT!

Josh Reddick, yeah, that's easy.

Angel Chavez may be a bit of wishful thinking, since they'll likely call up Woodward. But Woodward... I mean, can this guy hit at all? Because he hasn't done it in Pawtucket.

Marcus McBeth and Cabrera for obvious reasons. I thought about Javier Lopez, but probably not. For a lefty, I think it would have to be Billy Traber. Not Hunter Jones. Jones probably thinks he has has it in the bag.

If they decide to grab a catcher, then Dusty Brown. Should have been MALDONADO!!! but they missed their chance.

Last night's game, moron.

a) Thanks and a tip of the lynch lid to the anon BBQ tent fan who did not allow Jesus Feliciano access to a foul ball that could have been the third out! Instead, the fan caught the ball and the rally continued. I saw Felicicano. He was all mad. But the fan did not interfere with the field of play so EAT IT.

b) Plus Feliciano is tied for highest number of hits in the IL with Barbaro Canizares. And here I am constantly thinking of him as 'Jose'. And he's the KING!

c) By the way, I was pretty much right about Chris Carter being traded. Even though I though I had bad information. I should probably not have deleted my post, but I was upset. It had caused me to rend my garment. Especially because I blabbed it all over the place.

But I was right, and I knew before everyone else, which is really the most important thing.

8.27.09 The Buffalo Bisons are fortunately worse than Pawtucket.

Pawtucket W-I-N-S 7-1 in an honest-to-goodness good baseball game. It wasn't the highish run total, either. It might have been the outfield porn on Pawtucket's behalf.

Adam Mills was great! 83 pitches through seven innings. One run on five hits (Javier Castillo's solo home run)! No walks and two strikeouts! AMERICA'S CUP, YEAH!

TJ Large pitched the eighth inning and I do not remember any of that. It was clean, real clean. Like my conscience. Javier Lopez went 1-2-3 in the ninth, but he had a six run lead. I am not impressed. Okay, maybe a little impressed.

Pawtucket scored five runs in the bottom of the seventh. Firstly, Reddick popped out and Bell walked. And Mark Wagner popped out. Bailey pinch hits for Kottaras to face the lefty Arturo Lopez. Bailey hits a cheapish single. Bell over to second. Anderson up and he walks to load the bases!

Jim Ed Warden comes in and he's very tall. His name sounds serial killerish but he's not very tough at all. Warden somehow walks the hopeless Aaron Bates, which brings Bell home from third. And then... hang on...okay, Travis Denker TRIPLED! And everyone ran home! Three more runs! It was astonishing.

Chris Woodward batted next and Warden's pitch came in on him a little and the ump issued a warning to both teams. Woodward walked. Chavez batted next and Warden threw a wild pitch, scoring Denker from third. And then, Chavez grounded out to end the inning. 7-1 Red Sox!

Large and Lopez held the lead down for the rest of the game. Large and Lopez sounds like a cheesy local morning talk show.

Kyle Snyder started for Buffalo and took the loss on account of the pair of runs Pawtucket scored off him. Snyder is made of rubber, I think. He threw 104 pitches in five innings and seemed displeased with his start. And maybe a little displeased with his fielders.

dan fielding:
1. I am not much of a Bubba Bell fan. But Bubba Bell made a pair of cuckoo plays in right that made lesser fans stand up and shout. So... good job, Bubba Bell. I hope somewhere you're happy. I also hope you get released.
2. But Josh Reddick... Reddick made possibly the greatest diving outfield catch I've ever seen at McCoy. Sixth inning, one out, shortstop Andy Green at the plate. And Green drives one out to left center! Reddick fucking LEAPS to his left, I mean, the kid is PARALLEL to the ground! And he snapped that ball up!! The crown went nutso, people were standing up and cheering!
I would try to re-enact this for you if I had any hope of doing it justice. But you would just laugh and laugh. I hope someone somewhere recorded it... I hope someone aside from me writes about it. I love you, Josh Reddick!
3. I saw Baby Daddy Fernando Cabrera tonight, so he's back. Zink was in the bullpen again, because you totally want a reliever who walks half the park. Of course, he could be in charge of the marijuana plants.
4. Tomato plants, I mean.
5. Chris Woodward's at-bat song is "Would?" by Alice in Chains. I hope it's not because his last name is WOOD/WOULD-ward.
6. I was supposed to attend this game with three other people. In the end, it was only me. Thanks a lot, three other people who almost ruined my night.
7. Dude! Have you seen Mark Wagner's weird hair? He totally has the 'Bert' from Sesame Street top-tuft thing. Come on, Mark Wagner.
8. Travis Denker went 3-4 with a double and that three-run triple. So it was Travis Night.
9. I noticed that when Bailey came in for Kottaras, the PA guy announced Kottaras as the batter. The ump, Fran Burke, turned and faced the press box area and waved his arms and pointed at Bailey. The correction was made immediately.

Tomorrow! Pawtucket hits the road. Final road trip of 2009. Last chance to really bond. One last chance to rage. Go to it!

i'm gonna kill myself because of you

My great grandmother was a California woman. She was visiting her son, my grandfather, at his home in Shreveport.

She drowned herself in his swimming pool. Was it an accident? I mean, she was in her 80's!

No, she left a suicide note. The last line of her note said "I hope the Dodgers win the Series".

Wow! Baseball runs in my family! And suicide, maybe. Also: It has to be a huge inconvenience to have your mother visiting you and she decides to kill herself at YOUR house! Like, she couldn't go home and take care of it? What a weird lady.

Point: Happy Birthday to Father. And Charlie Zink, I guess.

edit: She drowned herself a long time ago, like before I was born. Sorry if this was unclear.

8.26.09 Pawtucket Red Sox v Buffalo Bison(s)

Pawtucket... wins? 3-2? What just happened because I was at the park and the game was tied and then suddenly everyone was getting their coats and heading for the exits and I was left standing there with an empty glass, blinking at the bright lights in which everyone was suddenly ugly?

Confession: I have not been much of a student of the game lately, as I've been going to the park with misc. folks and drinking beer until I run out of money. You know how it goes: Kick things off with premium beer and wrap it up with domestic light beer because you stop caring as much.

But what happened is this: Michael Bowden and his bully face and power physique pitched well enough to win. Bowden threw 93 pitches through six innings. Bowden gave up four walks. Bowden is 11th in the International League for walks. Right behind Enrique Gonzalez who is in tenth place. Yet Bowden's WHIP is top ten, in the good way! So Bowden walks a lot of guys but he pitches a lot of innings. He makes a lot of money, but he spends a lot of money, too.

Bowden gave up both Buffalo runs. Josh Peterson hit an RBI single in the second inning after catcher Robinson Cancel hit a double and then Cancel goes and triples in the sixth inning (what a beast!) and Andy Green has a productive groundout, scoring Cancel.

And here's a weird story: Hunter Jones came into the game and I was pissed. But Jones pitched three scoreless innings of relief. Remarkable. And although the score was tied going into the bottom of the ninth, and everything was dark and dire, Pawtucket.. well, Josh Reddick... did something right and drove in Angel Chavez from second. WALKOFF SINGLE!!! It happened so quickly! I felt bad for drunk people with slow reflexes, because they must have been wondering how the game ended so suddenly.

Buffalo starter Tobi Stoner had a pretty solid six-inning, one-run start. He can blame his reliever Eddie Kunz for blowing it in the ninth.

And O what a beautiful sunset I saw from section 3.

I got a taste of the real world (just a drop of it):
1. Angel Chavez was muy macho last night. Chavez went 3-4 with a double and was damn charming about it.
2. Chris Woodward went 0-4 with a K. Woodward has done, um, nothing since he's come to Pawtucket. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about me or my feelings.
3. I saw Chris Carter in the dugout, so I guess he's not dead yet. I did not see Fernando Cabrera at all. And trust me, I looked for him. I also saw Bob Tewksbury. And your mama.
4. Jed Lowrie left the game after one at-bat.
5. Charlie Zink was in the bullpen and I'm pretty sure I saw him warming up at one point.
6. Dusty Brown hit an RBI single in the fourth to score the Red Sox' first run. Gil Velazquez sac flied Brown home in the seventh for run number two. And then Josh Reddick did his thing to win the game.

I'll be at the park tonight, either surrounded by invisible, protective angels or surrounded by people who bought tickets and probably like peanuts.

8.25.09 Pawtucket v Lehigh Valley (Allentown)

Iron Pigs win in extra innings, 8-5. They scored three runs in the top of the 12th and the last time Pawtucket scored three runs in one inning... gosh, it must have been 2008! BUSH ADMINISTRATION! Was there anything that guy COULDN'T do?

Randor Bierd finally fell off the pedestal I put him on... yes, I put him there, not you or anyone else. Bierd gave up five runs on eight hits in his little baby five inning start.

Rodrigo Lopez started for Lehigh Valley and, man, I am really sorry I missed that. Lopez is a legend if you were ever a Boston fan.

Jose Vaquedano ruined everyone's dreams when he blew it all over the place in the 12th. What is with him lately? I really wish he would return to his early season form. I'd sure like to return to HIS form, if you know what I'm saying!!!

Jed Lowrie hit two home runs, but is it really worth bragging about when noodle batter Aaron Bates also hit a home run? And Jeff Bailey with his bum ankle homered as well? In a related story, I am not a Jed Lowrie fan this year.

JJ Furmaniak and Rich Thompson each homered for the I-Pigs.

One thing:
1. Many people have heard of Allentown. Not many people have heard of Lehigh Valley. I really think that when the Red Barons left S/W-B, they though people would associate Allentown with unemployment and urban decay. At least, anyone who's heard the Billy Joel song would have.

Maybe they should have embraced that and built a real rusty I-beam ballpark, with cranes hoisting clumps of scrap iron behind the outfield fence and beer vendors wearing chambray shirts and hard hats. Imagine the Schlitziness! INDUSTRY!

Tonight: Me! Girls' night out at McCoy. When you read the book I am going to write someday, it will change your life.

late nite snap: Jeff Bailey and Gil Velazquez adhere to Mike Jones' pre-game warmups.

Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs @ Pawtucket Red Sox (CHOPCHOPCHOP)

Red Sox WIN! 3-2! Paul Byrd is looking great for a geezer!

Someone on the second floor of the building next to mine has a broken window fan that they leave on forever. I suspect they are stone deaf, since I can barely handle the steady, LOUD, "CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP" sound floating in through my open window. I should just buy them a fan and leave it on their doorstep.

Paul Byrd got the start for the Red Sox and I think he should have been on this team from day one. Seven innings from a Pawtucket starter was the sole domain of The Redneck Asshole. Seven innings, like Devern Hansack used to do. Hansack IS still alive, right? RIGHT?

Byrd's only mistake was a John Mayberry solo home run. Mayberry's a star, though, so it's okay. Hunter Jones came in afterward and gave up a solo home run in the ninth to tie the game.

But that was okay, too, because in the ninth, Velazquez singled and Lowrie and Reddick walked. Bailey flew out to right and Gil Velazquez ran home. 3-2.

hello:
1. Second baseman Carlos Leon had only one at-bat, in spite of playing a full game. Leon sac bunted, grounded out (one at-bat), and, um, sac bunted. Carlos Leon just loves you and wants you to be happy. You have affected his life negatively in the following ways:
2. Mike Cervenak hit a solo home run. Jed Lowrie hit a solo home run.
3. Pawtucket left seven runners on base.
4. George Kottaras pinch hit for Woodward in the seventh. Velazquez played third for the rest of the game.
5. Aaron Bates was intentionally walked by Jake Woods in the eighth inning. To get Bubba Bell out. It worked, but dude. Bates is batting like .211. Are you really that chickenshit?

hello again:
1. Brian Mazone was a spot starter for Lehigh Valley. They play Pawtucket tomorrow night and then fly away, like pigs made of iron. Like lightweight iron.
2. I was at the park the other night for the extra inning game that the Red Sox lost. It was painful and degrading. I did notice that the relievers are growing tomato plants in the bullpen. I think TJ Large has a green thumb.

Tomorrow! Rodrigo Lopez (The former Orioles guy!) versus the awfully swell Randor Bierd. I think I love Randor Bierd. Hey, not the way you're thinking... I wanna have SEX with Randor Bierd!

CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP!!!

8.21.09 Sweep? Not so fast, Red Wings!

Pawtucket actually won, thanks to Jose Vaquedano, Dustin Richardson, Javier Lopez, TJ Large, Josh Reddick, and Jeff Bailey. 2-1, we'll take it.

Wait... Dustin Richardson's been called up? A lefty? Can we throw Hunter Jones in the Trashco brand trash receptacle now?

Wait... they called up Michael Bowden? And Chris Duncan was released? Wow! I feel like Rip Van Winkle!

Wait... TJ WHO?!

Tim Wakefield started for the Red Sox, and even though I've seen him pitch eleventy times at Fenway, I sort of wanted to go see him tonight. Wake Field pitched into the sixth inning, got his pitch count up to 81, and left the premises. One run (solo home run by fatass Justin Huber), one walk, and four K's.

Vaquedano, Richardson, and Lopez each got a pair of outs and TJ Large polished the game off like a slice of chocolate cake. Yummy.

Pawtucket scored both its runs in the fifth inning. Reddick and Bailey each hit RBI singles. Bubba Bell could have kept it going, but he lined out because he sucks.

Reliever Juan Morillo took the loss for Rochester. Bye, Rochester!

underpantings:
1. Red Wings first baseman Brock Peterson had a hit and a walk. I think I saw Brock Peterson in a movie once. It was called 'Wicked Wicked Cowgirls'.
2. I saw Travis Denker's girlfriend the other day and I was speechless. Travis Denker is not wicked cute. His lady is a blonde bombshell. Completely incongruous. Anyway, Travis Denker was caught stealing in this game.
3. Fernando Cabrera will be back soon, as he was DFA'd. I guess you can't go to the park during that time. Why not? That's so dumb. What if he wants to work out and take a shower or something?
4. Bubba Bell totally fucking sucks.
5. 10,700 freaks came out to see TW pitch. Rick Medeiros secured the area. No one was getting near Wakefield with him around, pard.
6. This newspaper says "The release of Duncan coincided with Pawtucket's 10-game losing streak. Duncan was 0-for-1 as a pinch-hitter in a 5-3 loss to Rochester on Thursday." They may be onto something. As soon as they ditch Duncan, they break the losing streak.

I have no where else to go with this. Whenever some big star rehabs at McCoy, everyone else is overlooked. You would at least think someone would talk about Dustin Richardson's good, good work. But what do I know?

TJ LARGE!!!!

Baby Chris Carter is keeping it real.

"Marijuana? No, thank you! I'd rather go to heaven!"

I'm such a jerk.

So I heard that Chris Carter got traded and I blabbed it all over the place before really double-checking.

I deleted my post out of pure SHAME.

Of course, it could still happen and I could be way ahead of the game?

Point: Chris Carter is still here, limping around and being annoying. I should send him a bouquet. I always thought flowers was pretty.

Also: Not a story. (red sox lose again)

Pawtucket just lost their day game. I was going to go, but I slept really late. It's okay: Paul Byrd tonight! But Charlie Zink.... wow.

Charlie Zink: My Life with the Red Sox

Zink: Hey, guys. Luis Tiant sent me.

Red Sox: Okay, he said you were cool. have you ever been to maine?

(later)Zink: Lenny! Abe! kason! isn't this great? We're going to fenway!!!

(later) Zink: Here I go, over the bridge, ta-dah! Rhode island! Then back to Maine! then pawtucket! Oh no, tollbooth!

(later)Zink: new england is too cold! I am gonna quit and go to the national league!
Red Sox: Oh my gosh, no! Stay here! we love you! You're gonna be a big star at fenway!
Zink: O Okay.

(later)Zink: It sure is great to be hanging out at my apt with Pauley
Red Sox: ring ring Hello! can you come to boston right away?
Zink: FINALLY!

(later)Zink: wow, that was cool. Too bad I sucked. But I won the international league!!

(later)Zink: This sucks. I can't wait to play golf for the rest of my life.
Red Sox: see, we told you we had plans!

Wait until I see Kottaras. I'm going to run up to him and give him a chocolate gun.

Let's get some burritos.

Ivan Ochoa could use a ride to work.

Ivan Ochoa's been released. I may have last seen him at poster night. And so now we have Chris Woodward, who's probably second only to Jay Gibbons in the secret competition.

By the way: Sean Danielson's back on the DL. And they made him sign autographs on poster night! I couldn't believe it. I would have said, screw you, I've played in six games all year.

By the way, Fernando Cabrera did not peg Kinsler on purpose. Cabrera is a mild-mannered guy... a lover, not a fighter.

By the way, there are only about two weeks left of the season.

See you at the park tonight.

'F' is for 'Fighting', 'R' is for 'Red' (Wings and Sox)

Red Wings WIN! YEAH TWINS!!! 7-6.

Hey, it's Reid Santos! I know him! Santos got the start for Rochester and he totally outpitched lefty Kris Johnson. Kris Johnson was worse than usual, even, only pitching 2 2/3 innings and getting his pitch count up to 71. Only 45 of those pitches were strikes. Jolines.

So, yeah, Santos. Santos pitched five innings and gave up three runs, two earned. Then there was Juan Morillo, Sean Henn, Rob Delaney.

Pawtucket lost, is what I'm trying to say. On the plus side, Rochester had been crushed the night before so they recovered nicely. Even if it took ten innings.

So this is what it's like to be a Pirates fan? Huh. Nice curtains.

and then i feel nothing:
1. Sean Henn got a blown save and the win.
2. Vaquedano pitched two innings and gave up two home runs. If Vaquedano could return to his early season form, this team would start winning some ball games. KIDDING!
3. Enrique Gonzalez and Javier Lopez also pitched. Gonzalez would look a whole lot prettier if he smiled once in a while.
4. Aaron Bates hit his fourth Pawtucket home run of the season.

yOU WANT MORE? tOUGH.

8.17.09 Red Sox/Braves - Last Game of Series

3-2 Braves. Pawtucket swept in Georgia. Ever get the feeling you've been had?

I need to write a 5,000 word essay on the difference between Barbaro Canizaro and Andy Cannizares. I should not get these two confused yet I always do. I can't wait for one of them to leave the IL. In a body bag.

Adam Mills started for Pawtucket and performed much better than he did in "Charlotte". Mills gave up two runs in six innings but left the game with Pawtucket losing 2-1. McBeth pitched two innings of relief and was smacked with the loss after he gave up the third run to the Braves.

Jo-Jo(sephina) Reyes got the start for Gwinnett. Pawtucket got nine hits off Reyes but only scored two runs. Wagner, Bates, Bell, and Ochoa each left runners on base with two outs. Killjoys! They should form a little club.

dry:
1. Travis Denker hit a solo home run. It was his fifth home run of the season
2. Jeff Bailey went 0-4 and made an error in left. Jeff bailey did not get good grades in school, either.
3. New kid Reddick hit an RBI triple in the seventh.
4. The name "Van Pope" seems incomplete to me. I bet people wonder all the time what his first name is.
5. Ivan Ochoa was the last guy to bat for the Red Sox. Denker was on second base. It would have been cool if Ochoa pulled something off, but that's the story of the Pawtucket Red Sox.
6. Wes Timmons was in the middle of a 48-game on-base streak. It ended yesterday. I cried so hard for Wes Timmons last night. His life is so difficult. I'll bet he's constantly harassed by 5-0 for his tints.
7. I do not know what outfielder Brian Barton's hair looks like these days, but I will always picture him in dreads.

Tonight! Pawtucket's finally back from their southern road trip for a series with Rochester. Think about how many times I have fallen.

REDDICK!!!!

14 AUG 2009: Gwinnett County Braves, Georgia.

Red Sox lose, 7-6, but maybe took some steps in the right direction as far as making an offensive comeback. This probably has nothing to do with Jeff Bailey, no matter what your mom says.

Charlie Fucking Zink started and you know, they let Rocky Cherry go but they hang onto Zink. And now Enrique Gonzalez is in the bullpen. WHY IS ZINK STILL HANGING AROUND? It was another shit start by Zink, although he only walked one batter and struck out five.

TJ Large is the real man in this scenario. Large pitched three scoreless innings and just maybe could have gotten the win if Pawtucket had tried a little harder.

Pawtucket didn't score until the sixth inning. They were down 7-0 and Velazquez led the inning off with a single. Then Bailey singled... there were a couple of productive outs... and Carter hits an RBI single.

Nothing good happened in the seventh inning. In the eighth, Gil Velazquez once again led off with a single. I'm sure he felt really macho. Then Braves pitcher Kitty Carlyle balked twice in a row. Weird! I'll bet he was super-pissed about those balk calls, too. Pitchers never admit they're wrong. NO! THAT'S HOW I COME OUT OF THE STRETCH! I ALWAYS DO THAT!!! SUCK IT, UMP!!!

Anyway, Jeff Bailey was waiting patiently in the box while all this went down. When everyone finally settled down he doubled, scoring Velazquez (I may just refer to him as 'Gil' to save time). Then Chris Carter doubled, scoring Bailey. 7-3!

Skip ahead to the ninth. Another false Red Sox rally. You might call it heartbreaking. I might not, since I've seen it over and over and now my heart's like an iron boot. With one out, Travis Denker singles. But TD gets erased when Chavez reaches on a fielder's choice. Or Denker's forced out, whatev.

Then Gil walks! I can't believe it. New pitcher comes in for Bailey, Vladimir Nunez. Bailey homers. And now the score is 7-6.

Bases empty, Bubba Bell. Bell singles. LIFE. But Mark Wagner grounds out and ends the game.

All this and John Halama, too.

did we fly to the moon too soon?
1. One of the worst things in American history happened in the Atlanta area. I was horrified as a little girl, seeing those pictures of dead kids in Life magazine.
2. Pawtucket legend Juan Perez is still working! Perez pitched an inning for Gwinnett.
3. Angel Chavez made two errors in this game.
4. Jeff Bailey went 3-4 with 4 RBI. Show off.
5. Aaron Bates played left field. Bates has not really been hitting since he came to triple-A. It's weird how you can be young, strong, and athletic and yet unable to drive the ball. And then you have guys like Dustin Pedroia who just... get it. It's probably that mental thing that baseball players are always yammering about.
6. Home plate ump Robert Price was responsible for the subsequent balk calls. I would have thought David Uyl, but Uyl was in the infield doing his thug thizzle.
7. Brooks Conrad was the Braves offensive superstar.
8. John Halama thinks it would have been nice to pitch a shutout.

Tonight! Tim Wakefield. This back-to-back knuckleballer story is played out, Mass Media. Get a new angle already.

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU, CHARLIE!