Okay, seriously. WHO?

Boston has signed Chad Paronto, Scott Patterson, Kelvin Pichardo, Ray Chang, and Christian Colonel to minor league contracts. Kelvin Pichardo is the only one I think I have heard of.

In very basic terms, "human burrito" Chad Paronto is a big, right-handed 34-year-old reliever. He's been up and down... mostly down these past couple of years, working for the Houston org over there in Round Rock.

no one good is named chad:
1. Paronto is a New Englander! He's from New Hampshire and went to UMass Amherst. Somehow, I doubt he's ever owned a copy of 'Doolittle'.
2. CP has also had jobs with Baltimore and Atlanta. Mexicans have a problem with the way gringos pronounce 'Atlanta' because we do not pronounce the 't'. They have a point.
3. Paronto strained his left hamstring last September. Astros interim manager Dave Clark 5 held him out of the last few games and Paronto was kinda pissed about it.
4. Paronto is a sinker kinda guy and likes to get a lot of work in. Quoth he last Sep: "At the point I am I want to pitch every game until the end of the season. But I've been playing long enough to know what you want doesn't go very far with the trainers."
5. Here's a 2007 interview with CP when he was on the Braves. Paronto talks about Manny, Renteria, Tim Hudson, and Beckett's incredible stuff. He sounds stoned.
6. Chad idolized Larry Bird! His favorite baseball player growing up was Don Mattingly.
7. Check Paronto's Real American/Hulk Hogan clubhouse act. Yeesh.
8. CP's scouting report from TK's Baseball Blog: "Paronto is a 6-5, 285 pound righty. The 34 year old righty has a big frame that is maxed out with quite a bit of bad weight and he has a gut. He probably needs to get his weight down to about 270. He came from a high 3/4 release working predominately from the stretch with solid mechanics. His fastball has some run in on righties and some sink. His slider is a 2-7 with a hint of bite. His change has some fade from lefties and a little sink. 4-A pitcher at best."
9. Paronto made the PCL's all-star team last year but did not play because his shoulder hurt.

Okay. I cannot take any more Chad Paronto. He's starting to look more and more like former surfer/substitute teacher Mike Burns.

Coming soon: Scott Patterson!