Baby Lars Anderson has had enough.

"Way too much negativity around here, man."

God, I hate you guys.

Five most hated PawSox players of the past five years:

1. Craig Hansen. With a fucking bullet. Absolutely nothing likable about him. A dirtbag, but not in a good baseball way.

2. Chad Spann. Sucked at everything. Sorry, I know he was your friend, but I could not stand him.

3. Lincoln Holdzkom. Bad pitching, bad tattoos, bad face. I have no idea how he managed to stay in Pawtucket as long as he did.

4. Jeff Corsaletti

5. Clay Buchholz, who I understand is a terrific pitcher, but he publicly dissed his Pawtucket teammates and that is unforgivable.

Other contenders: Hee-Seop Choi, Ken Huckaby, George Kottaras, Kason Gabbard, Dustan Mohr, Hunter Jones, Josh Reddick, Chris Carter.

"But then you always knew you were my Favourite..."

My five favorite PawSox players of the past five years:

1. Devern Hansack - Easily. You know how sometimes you love people for the tiniest, most puny reason? Like Howard Stern loved Fred because he put Stern's records away for him. Hansack was so easy to root for, did a great job, and then (tiny little reason). I regularly try to find him, but he's currently defying search engines. Because of him, I know way too much about Nicaragua. If you have a problem with this, then we are no longer friends. Period.

2. Jeff Bailey - Bailey could have been number one, but his post-2008 crabbiness set him back a little. He was just a guy called up from Portland, splitting the catching duties with Jim Buckley in 2006. Then something weird happened in 2008 and Bailey wound up the IL's MVP, edging out Chris Carter. This event was probably the last exciting thing that happened in Pawtucket.
A big part of Bailey's appeal for me was how damn ordinary he was. Like some stoner you graduated with and would occasionally run into at your hometown bar the night before Thanksgiving. He reminded me of my uncle.

3. Bobby Scales - Bobby Scales busted his ass in 2007 and probably played every position except the big 2. The triples! The baserunning! And then his long-deserved callup in 2009... I got very emotional when I heard the news and maybe even now I could mist up. Scales was such a terrific player and what's more, not just another douchepants lobotomized jock.

4. Abe Alvarez - Alvarez was kind of a weird kid. His starts were always fun to watch. He definitely matured a lot in Pawtucket and when he was suddenly cut loose in May 2008, I wondered what had happened. The org's held on to much crappier pitchers. Seemed almost personal. As far as I know, he is still playing Italian baseball. Again, part of his appeal was Not Being a Meathead Like Chris Carter or Kevin Youkilis.

5. Marc Deschenes - Too bad he never got called up. Did a pretty good job. I totally loved him for reasons I kinda don't remember. Good-looking, regular Joe local guy from Mass. Won the Bob Feller award. Listened to my stupid Rochester story and feigned interest. Yeah.

Here are some players that could have made a longer list: Javier Lopez, Alejandro Machado, Dustin Pedroia, Manny Delcarmen, Dave Pauley, Charlie Zink, Joe McEwing, Gil Velazquez, Sandy Madera, Joe Thurston.

Congratulations to all the winners, who will be receiving gift certificates to A Very Famous Dominican restaurant in Central Falls.

Allsorts

Trying to figure out five favorite and five least favorite players of the last five years.

Like Chris Carter... Sure, I ripped on him here and there, but did I really hate him? Did it have something to do with hearing Bad Things about him? His annoying condescending high school jock routine? Being an overachiever, bad outfielder, daydream believer?

Kris Johnson? He sucked and I hated him, but was he any worse than, say, Abe Alvarez? Yes, because Alvarez never would have worn such a stupid hat. Abe Alvarez made it to the big leagues, at least, and had that one good Toronto game.

I already know who my favorite player is, and maybe the second favorite, but then there's a plummet downward. Is Carlos Maldonado top five? Brandon Moss? Marcus McBeth?

I'll have all this ready to go before I leave for Pittsburgh tomorrow. The timing of the end of IL ball is great, because you have no idea what I have been up to lately.

"Here are tonight's starting lineups..."

I suck at my job. Otherwise I would have known that Jim Martin was leaving his McCoy Stadium PA position.

This is crazy. Seventeen years! During my two summers of soda jerk employment at the park, the phrase "It's time for tonight's Citgo hot seat quiz game!" burned itself into my brain... And the Mighty Molar soft toss intro... and the slippery concourse warnings...

I will admit that during the last few games, Martin seemed to be phoning it in a little. I chalked it up to his being overextended. You only notice those little flaws when there's been near perfection all along.

I wonder who will replace him? CAN anyone do it? You have to know how to pronounce "Yamaico".

And "Pawtucket". If Jonathan Van Every can pronounce it properly, then the PA person had better be able to.

It would be cool if they hired a lady.

Search Term Sunday!

Haven't gone through those wacky search terms lately, so since I've nothing else to say, let's go!

1. "heavy lopez braves catcher" - "Heavy" Lopez? Is that really what you thought his name was? Or was that what fans called him back in his 90's heyday...
2. "baseball jevi" - I love this and I am thinking of changing my blog name to 'Baseball Jevi'. And perhaps do it in Spanish. I'm an assimilated Colombian, after all.
3. "Ryan Kalish naked" - I'm saving those pictures for cold, cold November.
4. "dave uyl an egotistical jerk" - This and other variations pop up occasionally. Uyl's got quite a rep!
5. "craig breslow girlfriend" - This one's a classic. I had no idea Breslow was such a stud. Although... Why do you assume he's heterosexual?
6. "scott hatteberg greenies" - When I was at poster night, I was standing on one of the Champ Ramps trying to get a good look at Fernando C. What I did not realize was that I was positioned right below a Hatteburg portrait. A woman walked up to me and said, "Scott Hatteburg. Didn't he turn out to be a real dirtbag?" When I told her I didn't know, she muttered, "I must be thinking of someone else." and walked away. Maybe that guy's bad news?
7. "Jim Martin leaving PawSox" - THIS CANNOT BE. Is this true? Holy hell, that would be really weird.
8. "marc deschenes coaching problems baseball" - Disgruntled parent. Please.
9. "jon lester handsome" - No. I'm sorry, but no. He's got a big, ugly melon head.
10. "i hate stupied people" - So don't I.
11. "tim naehring" - I have a thread titled "I fucked Tim Naehring". Not surprisingly, it gets a lot of hits. I did not personally have intimate relations with Mr. Naehring... Just want to make that clear.

I have to figure out some things to write about. Any ideas? Hit me up.

Bowling with the Homies

Over the summer, I had occasion to attend the Pawtucket Red Sox/Tomorrow Fund charity bowling event in E Providence. How convenient! That's where I usually bowl, anyway.

A short time after I registered, I realized that there would be a strong possibility that I would be bowling with one of the team members. This idea gave me a tummy ache, because I had thought it would be some people bowling, Paws and Sox hanging out, and maybe Torey Lovullo and someone such as Mark Wagner kicking it in the lounge signing people's crap. I was really not prepared to make awkward conversation with a jock. And, whoa, what if it's Lars Anderson? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE LARS ANDERSON!!!!!

It wasn't Anderson. I don't even think he came. I don't wanna say who it was (must preserve anonymity), but I got pretty lucky and he was very nice and normal and not jackassy. I had a great time and I hope you did, too.

TOMORROW FUND!!!!!!

How could he not mention the fries?

Please enjoy this McCoy Stadium review, including slideshow-style pictures, from Stadium Journey.

I love this line: "If you make the trip to McCoy, it’s not necessary to allot extra time to explore the surroundings." HA.

Baby Chris Carter is nostalgic.

"Once I left Pawtucket, BAM, fuck that. I can't even name one guy who played this year. 2008 makes these new guys look like a bunch of pansies. 2008 was CARTER TIME, bitches! Old Man Mondor is probably still talking about it."

Baseball Heavy's 2010 PawSox Player of the Year is...

Robert Manuel, of course! I am going to go down to one of those mall engraving stores and get some tacky plaque with smudgy brass and put that right on there. And then mail it to him, c/o the Pawtucket Red Sox.

Theoretically. Although imagining the receipt of something that dumb is funny, funny, funny.

Maybe I should get one for myself that says "2010 Central Falls Blogger of the Year". And then a certificate that says "Blackstone Valley Canasta Club Most Improved Player of 2010".

How about 'Best Sports Blog in Rhode Island'? Maybe I wouldn't win, but you have to admit I'm a contender.

Congratulations to Mister Manuel for receiving such a prestigious award.

9.6.10 Pawtucket Red Sox v Syracuse Chiefs - Can I go back to bed, now?

4-3 Pawtucket! Do you like parties?

Syracuse starter Erik Arnesen pitched the entire game. He threw 125 pitches in a game that didn't really count for anything. The Nationals must really hate him!

Arnesen got three strikeouts and walked three. His bad, bad inning went down early, in the second. Jimenez walked and dashed over to second on a wild pitch and second baseman James Kang hit an RBI double. So simple.

Josh Reddick followed all that up with a two run homer to make the score 3-0. The Red Sox slapped a fourth run onto the pile in the fourth, when Jimenez led off with a triple and Velazquez doubled to get him across home plate. Yay?

Pawtucket starter Ramon Ramirez pitched himself 5 2/3 innings and gave up those three Syracuse runs. Only two were earned, because in the sixth inning, Ramirez tried to pick off Brian Bixler TWICE and messed it up, allowing him to skip over to second base, then third. How embarrassing.

Relievers Tommy Hottovy, Chad Paronto, and Fernando Cabrera finished the rest of the game. Then everyone cried.

feelings:
1. Dusty Brown wound up playing left field from the fifth inning on. It was Brown's first time playing left this year and his first time in the outfield since one game on the Sea Dogs back in 2006.
2. Bubba Bell and Mark Wagner both went 0-4.
3. Pawtucket finished the year 66-78. In 2009, they finished 61-82. So... slight improvement, but possibly a much less interesting team. No Maldonado or Sean Danielson. No Marcus McBeth or Javier Lopez. And no Ron Johnson.
4. I watched Gil Velazquez tossing squishy balls into the crowd and they traveled so far. And it just seemed so effortless. It must be so cool to be so athletic, for all that stuff to come easily. It reminded me that even guys like Paul McAnulty, Ivan Ochoa, Jorge Jimenez... They might look like a bunch of dum-dums but it's not easy and it's nothing that most people could ever do. What I am trying to say is that FUCKING GIL VELAZQUEZ, I AM GOING TO MISS THAT GUY.
5. Some people got called up, but no one I really like. Ryan Kalish was exciting in Pawtucket, but his stay was far too brief.
6. Some Erik Arnesen stuff here. He mentions his wife and you know what they say about that!
7. More on Arnesen from HHOTF. Good blog, good writer, hate the name of the blog.
8. Pete Orr and his mustache homered off Ramirez. So did Jamie Burke... Jamie Burke is older than I am. He was drafted by the California Angels, is how old Jamie Burke is. He played on the Edmonton Trappers, is how old.

Tonight! FREEDOM!!!!! No more Kris Johnson and Aaron Bates. Thank you all for coming. I'll do some end of the year stuff soon.

So... What do you want to talk about?

9.5.10 Syracuse @ Pawtucket - Labour

5-4 Chiefs, but oh gosh, did Fabio Castro try really hard! Castro tried to subvert the Syracuse fascist aristocracy, but his six inning, three run effort was thwarted by the Bowden faction.

Castro's humble peasant start was suppressed in the fifth inning, when the Chiefs hit a couple of RBI doubles following a Chase Lambin walk. A third run scored in the same inning when center fielder Michael Martinez singled to score Burke.

Pawtucket had scored once in the second (Aaron Bates led off the second with a triple? YIKES.) and once in the third (Varitek sac fly), so after that Syracuse run-scoring nonsense in the fifth, the Red Sox were behind 3-2.

But Bubba Bell ignited an auspicious beginning to the bottom of the fifth when he walked, moved over to second on a Varitek single, and trotted over to third on a Bates flyout. Bell crossed over when Lars Anderson grounded into a force out and the game was tied at 3.

TJ Large took over for the seventh inning and managed to not make an ass of himself. The same cannot be said for Michael Bowden, who came in for the seventh and then immediately gave up a double to Brian Bixler. Bowden then threw a wild pitch, walked Jason Botts (Botts got caught stealing, though), and after Seth Bynum's sac fly scored Bixler... Chase Lambin. Home run. Jumping clothespin Jesus. 5-3 Syracuse.

Pawtucket tried to make it happen in the bottom of the eighth and somehow scored a run on a walk, a single, and some ground balls, but it was not enough. The proletariat uprising was quashed once more by the iron fist of Syracuse relief pitching. Oh, hell.

DTAMFS:
1. How long are people going to continue to pretend that Michael Bowden is useful and effective and has great stuff? Why is this guy so untouchable? How has he escaped criticism? No one ever says very bad things about him. I am mystified.
2. That's it.

Last game of the season. See you there.

9.4.10 All the snobby kids live on...

6-1 Yankees. Rich Hill could not do it like he did it last time. The Yankees got nine hits off him and scored five times. Hill couldn't get out of the sixth inning.

Today I would rather play solitaire than do this, but here goes. David Phelps got the start for the Yankees and pitched eight tight innings, throwing 95 pitches. Pawtucket only scared up one run on five hits. Nothing exciting, just Jimenez grounding out in the second inning after a couple of singles. Congratulations, Phelps. You beat the PawSox.

So back to Rich Hill. He only had one run going into the sixth inning. Hill walked Miranda to get things started then gave up a single to Jorge Vazquez. Laird and Bruntlett hit consecutive RBI singles. Edwar Gonzalez TRIED to follow suit, but Bubba Bell threw him out at home, which must have been cool even though the inning had already gone to pot.

Chad Paronto... I mean, who doesn't like Paronto, but he's no Robert Manuel. He's not even Fernando Cabrera. Paronto had a couple of runners on for Reid Gorecki, who decided it would be a great time to hit a double. And he did, scoring Bruntlett and Gonzalez.

Paronto also gave up a home run to Vazquez in the seventh to make it 6-1. Yeah.

Pawtucket really could have used Darnell McDonald this year.

comatose tomatoes:
1. Chad Paronto is also no Santo Luis, who pitched a clean ninth. Aside from the walks, that is.
2. “Phelps had great command and threw the ball well,” Yankee manager Dave Miley said. “He did a good job of using all his pitches.” - from the Wilkes-Barre paper. Thank you for the world's most boring post-game comment, Mister Miley.
3. David Phelps is Irish and he hates walks.
4. Scott Walsh filled in for Donnie Collins. Thanks for ruining my day. Walsh's live blog includes stuff like this: "Sorry for not updating sooner. Working on some stuff for the newspaper." Okay, thanks!

The Red Sox are back in town and playing Syracuse. So enjoy these last two games.

9.3.10 Pawtucket Red Sox @ SWB Yankees - Stiff

10-4 Yankees. Adam Mills had his head ripped off by the end of the first inning.

It all started when the rather fancy Reid Gorecki led the whole damn game off with a triple. You can't do that! You have to ease your way into the game! Triples don't belong in the first inning. A home run, sure, but a triple?

So right fielder Gorecki triples, Eric Bruntlett singles to center so he can score. And then of course the next batter is Jesus Montero, who never mind what I said... I can really hate this future NY guy. Montero: Home run. 3-0 and no outs yet.

PawSox killer Juan Miranda batted next and singled. Finally, Mills got an out when Jorge Vazquez foul tip K'd. But sassy center fielder Colin Curtis batted next and BAM! two-run homer! 5-0 Yankees.

Mills finally squirmed his way out of the first inning. In the second, Mills gave up a sixth run when Juan Miranda hit an RBI single.

Pawtucket scored their first runs in the third inning. when Bubba Bell hit a two-run double off Scranton starter DJ Mitchell. They picked up a third run in the fourth when Velazquez hit an RBI double. But SWB was unstoppable. Three doubles in the fourth inning led to an 8-3 score and Mills was removed in favor of TJ Large. Yuck!

Large pitched for 2 1/3 innings and the Yankees smacked a couple more runs off him, because Large is not that good at anything. He's going to turn into Lincoln Holdzkom if he's not careful! Pawtucket did push out one more run in the seventh, but they were seriously cashed.

DJ Mitchell wound up pitching just five innings before being replaced by Zack Segovia. Mitchell gave up seven Pawtucket hits. He balked! He threw a wild pitch! His pitch count was up to 92! RED ALERT! ERROR! ACCESS DENIED! ACCESS DENIED!

I think we're done here. Eff you, Yankees. Moosic's a shithole and everyone knows it.

today is a wonderful day and i feel great:
1. DJ Mitchell's a n00b. It's only his second full season of pro ball.
2. Did I mention Chad Huffman's HR? Or Vazquez's? Yeah, that happened.
3. Bubba Bell went 3-5 with a double and 2 RBI, so he gets the most beer.
4. SWB is playoff bound. I hope Columbus maces them good!
5. Donnie Collins! "I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game where a center fielder has dove so much and missed the ball just as often. Bubba Bell is really giving it his all out there, but the Yankees are smashing Adam Mills."

Tonight! Refereshing Rich Hill v one of the Phelpses. Geez, I'm almost done for the season.

I love you.

9.2.10 KANG

2-1 Pawtucket. KANG. I was listening to this radiocast during late innings and wondering... 'Kang?' WHO? Maybe he's saying 'Chang', as in Ray, but I'm acquiring the hereditary hearing loss that's stricken some of my family members. But, yeah, James Kang from Lowell.

So let me get this out of the way: Kang-eroo, Simpsons spaceblob overlord, King Kang. JARROD SALTALAMACCHIA HAS A REALLY LONG NAME, ZOMG!!! I fucking hate you sometimes, conventional media. EVERYBODY RAY CHANG TONIGHT!

Ty Taubenheim! How can you not look at Taubenheim and not imagine what it would be like to have sex with him? (Sorry, Mrs. Taubenheim, but you married a lug.) I mean, he's just so... Big! Taubenheim pitched five innings and got five strikeouts. He also gave up a home run to outfielder Josh Reddick.

Taubenheim started working the sixth innings, but he walked Bell and gave up a single to Bates and so was ushered off to the dugout to wipe his head with a towel and sulk a little. Reliever "Brian Gordon" (that's totally an alias... you couldn't come up with a better name, "Brian"?) faced catcher Mark Wagner, who flew out to left to get Bell across. 2-0 Red Sox.

Righty reliever Robert Coello came in for the sixth inning. Coello pitched two innings and got six strikeouts, which is crazy. Hottovy came in for the eighth, faced two batters and got neither one out, and PawSox fans kissed his ass goodbye. Robert Manuel should have come in, but he's gone north to help prop up a heavily crippled big league team. Instead, Fernando Cabrera and his dwindling repertoire showed up.

Cabrera pitched two innings, gave up a couple of hits, saved the game. And all this while groggy from his nightly nap in the bullpen! Zzzzzzzz....

Ty Taubenheim took the loss for Lehigh valley. Oh, forgot to tell you they were playing the Iron Pigs. The Phillies. The Phuture.

and now it's gone and i hate everything:
1. Aaron Bates went 3-3 with a double. Thank you, Aaron Bates. Do you know how to read?
2. Iron Pigs second baseman Ozzie Chavez went 3-4.
3. Johnson leads the IL in losses with 13. Looks like he's a victim of anemic offense!
4. A far better game summary here. I assume someone like Mike Scandura wrote it, but no one's credited. What's to stop me from saying, "Here's a fascinating game summary I contributed to the Allentown paper"? Who'd even contest that statement?

See you tomorrow.

9.1.10 Lehigh Valley Irons Rumpled Sox

9-3 Lehigh Valley, who came on pretty strong toward the end. The Iron Pigs scored eight of their nine runs in the last four innings.

Lehigh Valley starter Drew Carpenter gave up seven hits through 6 2/3 innings, leading to three Pawtucket runs. HOME runs? Yes, two, solo jobbers by Gustavo Molina and Anderson.

Pawtucket starter Ramon Ramirez 5 2/3, four runs on seven hits. Only two of them were earned, though, so he can use that thought to console himself as he weeps into his flannel teddy bear. While Ramirez was pitching the top of the sixth, Iron Pigs center fielder Rich Thompson stole second and third base, allowing him to cross home plate when Mayberry singled.

That's all for today, I think. Sorry, completely out of time!

Wait, I have a few minutes! Lehigh Valley plastered TJ Grande for four more runs in the eighth inning, when slugger Andy Tracy hit a grand slam after Large intentionally walked John Mayberry to load the baes. Wait, I thought Large was done for the year? Santo Luis got the last five outs of the game, but not without giving up that ninth Iron Pigs run. Booo.

migajas:
1. Gil Velazquez went 2-4 with a double.

Bye. Again.

Holy hell, I'm back! I got a flat tire so...

gorditas de migajas!
1. Drew Carpenter is a Dirtbag.
2. Rich Thompson wound up going 4-5.
3. Dusty Brown got his first steal of the year last night! One of his teammates must have said, "Dude, I will give you a hundred dollars if you steal a base tonight." Wish I could have seen it.

That's really all for now. Tonight! TY FREAKING TAUBENHEIM AND KNIGHT RIDER. Sorry, I can't make it. It's Media Club night.

Stay tuned...

8.31.10 Pawtucket v Rochester - In and Around the Lake

6-5 Red Sox. I might be more impressed with this win streak if they weren't playing the worst team in the division six games in a row. However, well done, guys.

Fabio, say do you remember? Castro was hit like a piñata by Rochester, like eight times. After five innings, the Red Wings had four runs up, including home runs by Brendan Harris and Brock Peterson and that was it for Castro. Don't feel too bad for him, though - He got the win after Pawtucket magically changed the score from 4-2 to 6-4 in the fifth.

Ah, the fifth inning. So pivotal! Red Wings starter David Bromberg was working what would be his final inning of the night. Velazquez led off with a walk, but stupid Josh Reddick grounded into a force out. Sorry, that was a gratuitous shot. Bubba Bell walked a spell later and Bates hit a ball really high and really far and you know that house-like concession stand in the outfield? Yeah, it scraped that thing and it was a home run. Has anyone ever hit it over that thing? Yes, reportedly, but I haven't seen it in person. I don't think.

Nobody scored again until the eighth inning, when Dusty Brown hit an RBI double, because that's his thing, he hits doubles. Two doubles in one night for Brown! DUSTY'S BACK!

Fernando Cabrera stepped in to close the whole thing out. Usually, watching Cabrera pitch makes me wanna blast off in my seat but he was looking rough last night. His hair's getting too long and he looked tired... Whatever, still hot and I would still hit it seven days, twice on Sunday. Cabrera gave up a run, of course, but nailed it down and W! W! W!

Poor Rochester. People like me who have feelings are saddened by their nasty losing streak. You wouldn't understand because you're all jaded and angry. Me, I send fruit baskets to the guys after a good game. Have a Bartlett pear, Mark Wagner!

two things:
1. I am going to do a separate post about classic Pawtucket pitcher Manny Delcarmen. It's... hrrrmbbllle... AHEM. Sorry, I cannot go on right now.
2. Bubba Bell and Lars Anderson each hit solo home runs for the Red Sox. Sorry I didn't mention it before. I was too busy thinking about... AHEM! God damn it...
3. Michael Bowden came in after Fabio Castro and I still do not get it. Bowden is not any better than someone like Chad Paronto. Please tell me for the one-hundredth time what a great, young pitcher he has. The potential! Bowden worked 1 2/3 innings, walked a couple of guys, gave up a double to D'Angelo Jimenez, and struck out three. Strikeouts are cute, but kinda overrated.
4. No hits for Niuman Romero. None for Jorge Jimenez, either. Jorge Jimenez has existed this year, but I would easily forget him if someone asked me to list everyone on the team. List of Accomplishments: Played third, existed, had a cool at-bat song.
5. Jacque Jones has some of the worst at-bats I've ever seen. I don't know anything about mechanics, but he's hacking and flailing... His stat line isn't bad, though, so maybe he's all over the place like V. Guerrero but can still make good contact. Yeah, that just happened. I compared Jacque Jones to Vladimir Guerrero. Why doesn't anyone stop me from blogging? Why hasn't anyone intervened?
6. I also feel that way about karaoke. I can't believe people let me get up and sing. It's a disaster every time. SOMEONE NEEDS TO STEP IN AND SAY, 'JEN, THAT'S ENOUGH.'
7. "Kyle Waldrop needed just 18 pitches to throw two shutout innings." - from SethSpeaks.net
8. Nice mustache, Anthony Slama.
9. D'Angelo Jimenez ran through a third base stop sign in the second inning... It was pretty funny.

Tonight! ME. IRON PIGS. And Drew Carpenter! And some dude who wears ugly t-shirts.

Bye, Manny! Bye!