WHAT.

Darnell McDonald? In Pawtucket? TONIGHT? Please, can we go? Please? PleasepleasepleasePLEASEPLEASEPLEEEEEAAAAASSSEEEEEEE CAN WE GO?

Step one: Pick up clothes at laundromat.

Step two: Pitchers on Atwells.

Step three: Cheap seats at McCoy.

Step four: ???

Step five: Profit!

In a related story, how high is Marshon Brooks going to be drafted? I am so excited.

By the way I went to Cleveland. Justin Masterson pitched and I discovered that it is in fact possible for him to become enraged. The Red Sox lost. It rained a lot. We sat next to some people from Rhode Island and they were fantastic. So that was 1/4 of my northern Ohio vacation.

5.30.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Norfolk Tides - Get me Rex Kramer!

Or should we say, "Get me Ryan Kalish"! Pawtucket loses 5-4 in 13 innings. Clevelan Santeliz takes the loss, blowing it in the 13th.

Your Pawtucket starting pitcher was big Felix Doubront, who's slick enough to walk the concourse without being noticed. Yes. It's wonderful to see him. It's certainly a thrill. Doubront pitched 3 1/3 scoreless innings, giving up one hit and two walks. Doubront struck out five Norfolkians, threw 47 pitches. Twenty-nine were strikes. Sounds good to me.

Fledgling Oriole Rick VandenHurk... Wait, I know this guy, right? Yes, he's the big Dutch kid from Mostly the Marlins. VandenHurk pitched zes innings, giving up two runs on five hits. Uitstekende!

VandenHurk suppressed Pawtucket's offense rather well until the fifth inning, when a crop of singles led to Luis Exposito crossing home for the first run. In the sixth, Hector Luna led off with a walk and Lars Anderson tripled to center. Hector Luna didn't go home, though, because he was floored by the majesty of Anderson's first 2011 triple and stopped dead in his tracks.

No, of course not! Luna scored. But on the flip saide of all of this, at the innings' tops, Tony Pena was pitching and not necessarily preventing Norfolk runs. So it was 3-2 because Pena gave up a home run immediately after replacing Doubront AND Pena allowed a couple more runs in the sixth.

Is everybody getting this?

Norfolk scored their fourth run in the seventh inning, when second baseman Brandon Snyder hit a line drive RBI single to center. Who was on base at the time? Nick Green? Same guy? yeah, it's him.

Pawtucket picked up another run of their own in the seventh, facing reliever Troy Patton. With one out, Matt Sheely bunted and advanced to second when Nava walked. Patton got Nate Spears to pop up, but he was immediately replaced by super tall Pat Egan, who had the unappealing task of facing HECTOR LUNA! Luna hit an RBI single and it was 4-3 Tides.

Pawtucket tied the game up at last in the ninth inning. Good old Armando gabino was pitching for Norfolk and he led the ninth off by walking Sheely. Sheely was picked off, but Gabino walked Nava. Che-Hsuan Lin entered as a pinch runner. WHY AM I NEVER AT GAMES LIKE THIS? Wait, someone walked. Tony Thomas? No, it was Nate Spears. Come on, Luna! Except Luna lined out.

Anderson! Line drive single to right! Lin ran home from second and it must have been fantastic! TIE GAME!!

Stayed tied til the 13th. Clevelan Santeliz surrendered a solo home run to Brandon Snyder and that was it. Tough loss, really.

Hector Luna is a stranger in an open car:
1. If Boston hadn't have ganked Reddick, Pawtucket woulda won this ish. Even Drew Sutton would have helped.
2. Wow. In 13 innings, only Anderson got an extra base hit. RYAN KALISH, ARE YOU CLOSE? Anderson went 3-6 and he wants to be called up soooo bad. Someone should prank like, Arnie Beyeler. "Yo, Arn... Anderson out of the lineup. We'll touch base with you a little later."
3. That's not funny.
4. Tommy Hottovy and Blake Maxwell also pitched. Maxwell went 3 1/3 scoreless, so please reward him with sexual favors.
5. High school superstar Kevin Pereira breaks it all down. You should read that and not this, to be honest.
6. Josh Rupe got the win for the Tides.
7. "Single Leg Squat and overhead Squat assessments showed that [Rick] VandenHurk had multiple imbalances – thought to contribute to the compromised performance. Corrective Exercise – leveraging the NASM prescription of Inhibiting and Lengthening overactive muscles, Activating the weak antagonist and then finally- integrating exercises that had transference to pitching performance proved to make the difference." - In case you were concerned about VandenHurk's hernia and subsequent recovery. And future injury potential. (source)

Tonight! John Lackey versus some Orioles lefty. Game starts early because of the hockey game. Six instead of seven I think. I don't know, fuck off! There's an official website that sucks for this information. I'm just here to juggle and throw pies at Luis Exposito.

5.30.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Indianapolis Indians - Electric Carnations

Gee, what happened to this PawSox blog? Just kinda fizzled out, eh? MY DAY WILL COME. I KNOW SOMEDAY I'LL BE THE ONLY ONE. Although the 'Superlatives' video is pretty entertaining, if you were a fan of Chad Paronto... Or if you wanna hear L. Anderson talk about how he takes a spaceship to work. And Robert Manual!

Pawtucket dodges the sweep, takes this one 9-2. I suppose that Bobby Jenks technically started this game, but please, take it to a Boston blog. Andrew Miller and his luscious hair pitched seven innings! One hit, zero point zero zero runs. WHAT. Miller's tight little pitch count was 79. Only 48 strikes? He's not a cool guy anymore.

Brad Lincoln! Not dead yet! Lincoln started for the Indians and pitched five innings, giving up seven runs on nine hits. The world will little note nor long remember his start. Pawtucket small-balled the crap out of Lincoln, getting a nice early start in the first inning when Che-Hsuan Lin singled, stole second, and eventually scored on a single by Hector Luna.

The Red Sox scored their second run in the second inning. Bermudez hit an RBI double. Yeah. Sorry, I can't make this inning come to life.

Ronald Bermudez came through again in the fourth, slapping on another RBI. Who needs Josh Reddick anyway? Tony Thomas had led the inning off with a double, so that was really nice of Bermudez to take advantage of it.

Che-Hsuan Lin led off the fifth with a double. Daniel Nava... God, never mind. Pawtucket hit three home runs in this game and NATE SPEARS IS FINALLY BACK! NATE SPEARS! Hideki Okajima gave up his first run in the International League. There were more than 10,000 people at the park for this game and not one of them was me. It's the fireworks. How many of those people do you think know who Hector Luna is?

I shouldn't have said that. Nothing wrong with just going to a baseball game. I do it all the time.

it's so hard to be your friend and be in love this way:
1. The home run kidz were Tony Thomas, Bermudez and Dlugach. And me, because I hit a home run every time I do a game summary.
2. Ronald Bermudez went 3-4 with 4 RBI.
3. You know what? It's Kevin Pereira who hits a home run with this game summary. This kid is so talented. I'll bet he is the reason B. McGair has ramped up his game this year.
4. Josh Reddick did not play.

Tonight! Norfolk Tides and allegedly John Lackey. Have fun... And if you can't be good, be careful.

5.28.11 Red Sox v Indians - Blood Everywhere

I cannot, in good faith, spend too much time doing this today as I have an urgent situation to tend to.

To summarize: Pawtucket was up 7-0. Indianapolis whaled on our relievers and I sure hope they learned their lesson! Final score: 9-7. Fuck you guys, play better next time. I hope Arnie Beyeler gave 'em all what for.

Not a day game today. Instead, fireworks.

So you guys enjoy that. Hasta mañana.

5.27.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Indianapolis Indians - Marte Gras

Andy Marte WINS! With a grand slam in the ninth inning off reliever Michael Bowden. 6-3 Indians. Hold it together, Grandma.

Bobby Jenks is rehabilitating and he pitched the first inning of this game, but it didn't really count. In fact, this whole game is a sham so let's strike it from the record books! Andy Marte, I'm sure you don't mind, do you?

Jenks gave up a single to left fielder Alex Presley and that was probably the most exciting thing that happened. Oh, he struck out John Bowker. Is Bowker still like, a guy? Or is he fading tail lights?

Matt Fox pitched the meaty inner thighs of this game, going six innings and giving up one run, a solo homer in the fourth from that bratty Alex Presley. Shut up, Alex. Pawtucket was ahead by that point anyway, having scored a pair of runs off Indians starter Brian Burres. Yes, that would be the back-to-back doubles by Nava and Dlugach (ooooh, unlikely!) and the RBI single by Iglesias.

The Red Sox clumped on another run like bad mascara in the seventh inning, when the ever-slumping Daniel Nava hit his second double of the night. Nava scooted over to third on a groundout by Dlugach. Iglesias singled, pow. 3-1 Pawtucket.

Hideki Okajima! Is back in Pawtucket! Okajima pitched a scoreless eighth, maintaining his svelte 0.00 ERA in the IL. So that was good. Michael Bowden pitched like he was drunk, though, and do you really feel like reliving it? Single, single, stolen base, walk, sac, something something grand slam. Put like Gorkys Hernandez in there, but ultimately blame Andy Marte. I know there's a lot of hurt built up, especially if you were traumatized by Edgar Rentaria. It's okay, let it all out...

Pawtucket was stunned into silence, and Indianapolis reliever and man of anonymity Tim Wood struck out Nava, Exposito and Dlugach in the bottom of the ninth. In order. Where's your messiah now?

Bowden has pushed a button, talks in past and not present tense:
1. I can't rip on Bowden too badly for the the grand slam. Shit happens. The Pirates triple-A team has always been formidable. Not only that, but I am much sweeter than I used to be. If that's even possible.
2. Hector Luna also went 2-4. Luna's a real bad ass, so let's try not to overlook his contributions.
3. For Indianapolis, Alex Presley and Gorkys Hernandez both went 3-4. Hernandez tripled in the sixth.
4. This game summary was written by a robot. Aren't you glad I don't write like that?
5. Matt Fox "carried the mail" for the PawSox? Come. On.
6. Alex Presley's rise to the majors is being stymied by Xavier Paul. What's with the weird photo accompanying this story? Anyway, Presley was IL Player of the Month in April.
7. Alex Presley was/is leading the IL in hits. Pirates fans almost universally want him called up. Here, watch this video of him in action. (NSFW)
8. Brian McPherson explores Che-Hsuan Lin. When McPherson dies in a Paris bathtub, I will honor and respect his memory by spray painting his gravestone and leaving behind bottlecaps and roaches.
9. Pat Lackey contemplates the sad career of Andy Marte. Oh, look what you've done! Now I'm crying!
10. John Lembo on Alex Presley and the vagaries of success.
11. A Pirates blog called 'Forever Rebuilding'? Great, great name. Anyway, more on Presley.

Oh my god, I am so good at this. How am I not getting paid? I should go on strike! YEAH!

Tonight! Justin Wilson, Kyle Weiland. Sorry, I can't make it. Maybe Sunday I'll try and squeeze myself into the park, even though I hate those crowded weekend games.

ALEX PRESLEY!!!!!!

5.26.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Indianapolis Indians - Jiggety Jig

4-3 Indianapolis Indians, who are Pirates. Not an awesome way to kick off a homestand, but not the most heinous loss in history. I miss Andrew McCutcheon.

Red Sox starter Brandon Duckworth pitched four innings, giving up four runs on seven hits. It was the fourth inning when things started to fray a little for Duckworth, when he led things off by walking right fielder John Bowker. First baseman Alex Hague kept things going with a single, putting runners on first and second with no outs. Duckworth got Andy Marte out on a pop-up (infield fly rule!), but evidently saw the devil in Jason Jaramillo, and hit him with a pitch to load the bases.

Former PawSox great saw an opportunity laid out before him and did the most moderately acceptable thing: Sac fly. Bowker scored and Brown's teammates clapped politely. Duckworth then struck out shortstop Brian Friday to end the inning.

Duckworth entered the fifth inning with perhaps the best of intentions, but experienced untold hardships and conflict. I am talking about four consecutive singles with no outs. Let it also be noted that Duckworth did not get a single strike call in this inning. This is why I could never be a pitcher: My snowballing failure would cause me to panic and I'd start throwing wild pitches and hitting people and ultimately pee my pants and cry on the mound.

With the score at 3-1, runners at the corners and nobody out, reliever/starter/party planner Tony Pena entered the scrum. Matt Hague, GIDP, but Bowker scores and it's now 4-1. Andy Marte grounds to short and we are finally free!

Indians starter Rudy Owens (Okay, how many 'Owens' are there in OB? And are they all related?) had thus far escaped major scrutiny, but Pawtucket teased us all in the bottom of the fifth by getting a little sexxxy singles action going. Dlugach and Sheely led off with ass-to-ass singles. Owens got all pouty and hit poor Che-Hsuan Lin with a pitch. HOW DARE YOU. Next up were Iglesias and Luna, who both grounded out but did get runners over to pick up a pair of runs. With bases sad and empty, Lars Anderson came to bat and grounded out.

And that was it for Pawtucket. They wouldn't score again, thanks to dazzling relief by Cesar Valdez, Tony Watson, and Tim Wood. I'm sure you're familiar with these triple-A relievers in the Pirates organization.

Last but not least, Santeliz and Hottovy each pitched a scoreless inning. So that's some lovely stat padding for each of them.

'homestand' is not in the dictionary?
1. Daniel Nava went 2-4. No one on the Red Sox got hits for extra bases. Brent Dlugach struck out three times, in Jesus' name amen.
2. For Indianapolis, John Bowker went 2-4 with two RBI. I think I saw him in double-A Norwich? When it was the Giants org? I had no idea how lucky I was to have that. Now it's Detroit low-A.
3. Speak of an absence of XBH, the Indians got ten hits, all singles.
4. Rudy Owens father was drafted by the Angels in the late 70's, but an accident resulted in the amputation of his right leg. His story is here and you should check it out, son!
5. Owens could also stand to see his strikeouts increase.
6. Owens was the Pirates minor league pitcher of the year... Twice!
7. Foggy, schmoggy. Were you even at the Eastern League All-Star Game in 2007? Game called due to fog. Yes way!

Oooh, look! Bobby Jenks is pitching for Pawtucket tonight! Should be a brief appearance. Matt Fox will jump in after that. The Pawtuckets will face Brian Burres. You guys enjoy that. I'll be at home picking cat hair out of my teeth.

Baby Chris Carter shops locally, thinks globally.

"One of my favorite things about Toledo is all the crazy beer they have out there. Like 'Pat's Blue Ribbon', except the locals just call it PPR."

A separate post about Derek Lowe

I didn't mean to give Derek Lowe short shrift the other day when I did a little mural story. It's just that his time in Pawtucket was so brief that I had nothing to work with.

I was not really ever a Derek Lowe fan, but looking back I see his value.

One of my favorite and most emotional moments during 2004 was getting to Fenway hours early for Game Four of the ALCS. I was in the bleachers and Lowe slowly walked out to the bullpen before the game started. Although Boston was on the precipice of a devastating loss, the bleacher kidz all stood up and applauded Lowe.

And Derek Lowe raised his fist high and punched the air for the crowd. That confidence and solidarity brought me to tears for a second. And I will never forget it.

Now it's Kris Johnson's turn to take a vacation!

I just spent a few days in Toledo and one night in Cleveland and so forth. I won't bore you with the details... No, hang on, I WILL bore you with the details! I'll slowly leak them out over the summer! You're dealing with a real maniac, here, so buckle your safety belt!

I'll only say one thing and that is Mud Hens fan Nancy hooked me up strong, was a fantastic host and super lady. It was a thrilling, alcohol-free vacation in which no sinning of any kind occurred in the Great Lakes region. Probably more than any of you weirdos could handle.

I did not find out until I got home that Kris Johnson was released. On May 14th I said: "Kris Johnson is starting for the Red Sox. Oh, this should be good. Could this be Johnson's last chance?" That start turned out to be against the Yankees and Johnson did poorly.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and I said that I did not hate anyone on the Pawtucket Red Sox. He rightfully pointed out that I hated Kris Johnson. Let's take a look back!

Things I said about Kris Johnson:
1. "In the eighth inning, lefty Kris Johnson took over. Please note that I am gunning for an even, measured tone when I talk about his relief outing." - May, 2011
2. "Good work, everybody. Not you, Kris Johnson." - May 2011
3. "Kris Johnson threw 66 pitches through 2 1/3 innings and now his ERA is 23.14. That kind of job failure often leads to impotence and divorce." - APR 2011
4. "Kris Johnson's starting today and the small, mean, petty part of me I cannot suppress is hoping he goes down in flames. Super sexy righty Dillon Gee should have no problem making Johnson look like dogmeat." - APR 2011
5. "If Kris Johnson had gone 16-7 or cut his walk rate in half, would I have hated his stupid gangsta hat less?" - OCT 2010
6. "Kris Johnson? He sucked and I hated him, but was he any worse than, say, Abe Alvarez? Yes, because Alvarez never would have worn such a stupid hat." - SEP 2010
7. "But none of that is as important as blaming everything on Kris Johnson. Five runs on seven hits in four innings, Kris? Was that the best you could do? I think you've really let your whole family down. Especially Mom, who sacrificed so much..." - AUG 2010
8. "Oh, look, Kris Johnson's pitching tonight! They are gonna eat him alive. Is there an easy way to make a firebomb out of an Ellsbury bobblehead using common household materials?" - JULY 2010
9. "If they do the thing where they're like, hey, Kris Johnson, we're thinking of converting you into a reliever, that means they probably hate you and you will fail in that role and they can say they tried, they tried to find a place for you but it wasn't working out... This is no longer a sentence, really, but it's a familiar scenario. It doesn't always mean they've given up on you, but in this case... I would be worried. " - July 2010
10. "Tonight! Ivan Nova, Kris Johnson. Nova could totally squish Johnson. That would be ideal, actually." JULY 2010
11. "Kris Johnson threw 95 pitches in five innings. That's total hangover pitching." - JUNE 2010
12. "Looks like Kris Johnson sucks at relieving just as much as he sucks at starting." - APR 2010
13. "But I don't care, I still love Kris Johnson and I know he is going to find himself and pitch like the future star he is!

HA! Fooled you! Kris Johnson is a bum!" - AUG 2009
14. "Johnson's been flirting with failure all year, and it finally culminated with this game. He should probably visit the DL soon." - JULY 2009
15. "Johnson's been a little punk butterfly on the mound, but maybe he'll strap it on tonight. I have my doubts." - JUNE 2009

Let the healing begin.

5.24.11 Pawtucket @ Toledo - A Very Early Game

Pawtucket WINS! 3-2. Starting pitcher Andrew Miller went five innings and gave up two runs on six hits. He walked four and struck out four. Miller also picked off Argenis Diaz, who had kind of a crappy day overall. The win went to the incredible, edible Mike Bowden, though, and I will tell you more about that later.

Toledo's starter was Andrew Oliver. Oliver only pitched two innings and left the game with a 2-0 lead. I can't say why his start was just two innings, but I know he's going up to Detroit so just think about that.

But can we get back to Andrew Miller? Miller led his stint off by getting Will Rhymes to line out, but Argenis Diaz followed that up with a ground ball single to left. Diaz was then both picked off AND caught stealing in the same play. I AM JUST TELLING YOU WHAT THE OFFICIAL SCOREBOARD SAYS. Ben Guez was batting at the time and he was either bewildered and dumbfounded or he didn't notice. Or he noticed and his face was a perfect mask of ennui and serenity. Hard to tell with Ben Guez. And as is usually the case, no one made eye contact with Diaz as he made his way to the dugout. I guess, I wasn't there. OMG SUNFLOWER SEEDS IN A GIANT PAIL!!!ONE!!1

The point is that Miller walked Ben Guez and Ryan Strieby hit an RBI double so it was 1-0 Mud Hens. Toledo scored its second run in the second inning, thanks to a double and another double which equals one run unless you're an idiot. Or what if you have a really bad injury? Or what if you're Jeff Suppan? Ooooh, too soon?

Matt Sheely led of the top of the third with a triple, his second of the year. Jeff Natale's career triples in Pawtucket? TWO. Bam, same guy. Matt Sheely's first Pawtucket game was in 2007. I am uncertain of Sheely's significance or purpose. I don't feel as though we know enough about him. Much like hambone, he is an enigma.

Ronald Bermudez doubled with Sheely on third, but Sheely just stood there, frozen... Not really, a run scored. 2-1. Che-Hsuan Lin hit a line drive single to left, which was the end of the night for Andy Oliver. Reliever Brayan Villareal grabbed hold of the reins, getting the outs to end the whole mess. Good evening, Brayan!

Pawtucket tied the game in the sixth inning with Matt Hoffman on the mound. Lin singled softly, slowly to left. Iglesias reached on a Diaz error. A sac fly to center by Reddick scored Lin and it was even Steven.

Toledo threatened in the bottom of the sixth with Jason Rice pitching. Cale Iorg, double! Diek Scram, walk! Nobody out! Sac bunt by catcher Max St Pierre! Rice intentionally walked Will Rhymes, which is kind of cute. Yeah, you don't wanna face Rhymes in this situation. Oh... Sarcasm suspended. Rhymes is hitting .455 with runners in scoring position. My bad!

Know what? Rice got out of the inning. The Mud Hens evidently blew it... See also, the ninth inning. Bowden pitching, walks third baseman Danny Worth with two outs. Worth tried to make it home on a Clete Thomas double, but yeah, out. Toledo wound up leaving fifteen players on base.

Extra innings! Pitching at the top of the tenth, Lester Oliveros. First batter he faces is Iglesias, who hit a double. Josh Reddick pulled a single to right out of his little athletic cup to put runners on first and third. Uh-oh, Lars Anderson. How about an intentional walk, Anderson? I would imagine intentional walks are flattering and make you feel like a real badass.

Tony Thomas. Bases loaded with no outs. Thomas grounds to third. Worth throws to sub catcher Omir Santos to get Iglesias out. Reddick's still going. Santos makes a throwing error, Reddick scores, Thomas actually makes it to first. Yes, that makes perfect sense and I have no problem visualizing what happened.

That was it, Pawtucket won. Bowden pitched the tenth and gave up a couple of hits but nothing too crazy happened. Thank you for dialing in and have a wonderful day.

regarding hennery:
1. Matt Sheely went 3-5, probably trying to impress people. Lars Anderson had three RBI. I know what people say about Anderson but I am here to tell you that he has grown on me and I have been converted into a fan. Funny how that happens.
2. Tony Thomas: 0-5 with two K's.
3. Will Rhymes went 3-5 with a double, a walk, and one RBI. Rhymes was one of five M. Hens to double yesterday.
4. This game was 3.5 hrs long. Ten thousand fans were there, mostly schoolkids I would think. It was a 10:30 game. That's so, so early. My heart goes out to all the Red Sox and Mud Hens and miscellaneous staff members. Even Art Thigpen, that crazy bastard.
5. Andy Alfred talks about the weekend series, says he'll boo Mike Hessman when he returns to Toledo. HOW DARE YOU!!!? HESSMANIA!!!!!
6. John Wagner elucidates the play in the tenth: "[A] throw to first by catcher Omir Santos was too close to the runner and Ryan Strieby couldn’t catch it. Instead it rolled past him, allowing Reddick to score the game-winning run from second." That was as satisfying as a good back itch or a hot beer on a cold day.
7. Mud Hens reliever Brendan Wise pitched three innings. I didn't forget you, sweetheart.

Off day today! TOMORROW! INDIANAPOLIS INDIANS! Darn it, I cannot go. Check it out for me?

zzzzzzz

Taking another day off to recover from exhaustion and illness. Sorry.

Ramp Champ #39 - Derek Lowe

Derek Lowe is a right-handed pitcher who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 1997. Through six games, Lowe had an ERA of 2.37 and his record was 4-0.

Six games does not really give me anything to work with. 21 strikeouts, 11 walks. 23 hits. Lowe didn't come to the org until July of that year, which you guys all know about.

Unfortunately, that's all I have. Derek Lowe's spooky mural is in the middle portion of the home plate tower.

PAWSOX TAKE DOWN SCRANTON WILKES-BARRE YANKEES

Pawtucket wins 9-3 on SWD. Fascinating starter Matt Fox pitched five innings that weren't too cute, as three walks and four hits led to three runs, including a solo homer by left fielder Justin Maxwell. Fox got the win, bringing his record to 4-2.

Yankees starter Andrew Brackman gave up seven runs in four innings. Thank you, Thing! Brackman was first attacked in the first inning, when he got things going by walking Daniel Nava. Nava's second on the team for walks, so there you have it. Nava stole second, advanced to third on a fly ball to right, and scored the first run when Anderson singled. And who is leading the team in walks? Lars Anderson!

The Red Sox led off the second inning with a pair of singles and a sac bunt by Matt Sheely. Which is crazy, since the PawSox do not bunt. They are last in the IL with a paltry four bunts. But Sheely bunted and Brackman was evidently flabbergasted, because he made a fielding error and Dlugach scored. Matt Sheely wound up on second base. Fantastic stealth attack!

Later that inning, a groundout by Daniel Nava got Exposito across to make it 3-1 Pawtucket. Scranton scored a second run in the top of the third, and Pawtucket answered back with a run of their own. Anderson walked, Exposito drove him in. POW, like that.

Fourth inning! Three more runs! Matt Sheely walked, Daniel Nava singled... What, him again? I guess it was not just Star Wars Day, but White Boy Day at the park. Tony Thomas, sacrifice fly! Sheely scores! Everyone must have been so happy! Josh Reddick walks! Drew Sutton, two-run double! OMG!!!! HISTORY OF THE LADDER!!!!! 7-2 PAWSOX!!

What else did Nava do? Lead off the sixth with a single? Yes, and Reddick singled, too. Drew Sutton was all over it, hitting a fly ball single to center, scoring both Nava and Reddick. I love how Pawtucket scored nine runs with only one extra base hit. MICROBALL!!!

Relievers Rice, Atchison, and Bowden kept the Yankees offense to one hit and did not walk a soul. I'm completely torn up that I missed this game, it seems really neat. I'm overwhelmed by rumors this high and overcome by lows. And not just because it was Star Wars Day. Was Darth Maul there? That guy's a FREAK!

apathy's crown:
1. Daniel Nava went 2-4 with a walk, an RBI, and a stolen base. Drew Sutton went 3-4 with four RBI. Luis Exposito also went 3-4.
2. You might say the Yankees were outFOXed. You might, but I never would because I'm not a sports hack who hates their life. Those guys must really envy my free-wheeling, unpaid ways!
3. Sean S. slaps a 'Pawtuckett' in his headline, then spells it correctly for the article. Am I the only person who holds themselves to any standards? (Expositio? Come on.)
4. Here, read this thing that Marc Normandin wrote. It's funny and cool, like Frank's Depression Poetry.
5. Is it the cutter, Michael Bowden? That's the word on the street.

Tonight! Kyle Weiland and the sinister David Phelps. I am going to try to go, but it doesn't look good. These 6 o'clock games are killing me!

5.14.11 Pawtucket v Scranton Wilkes-Barre

I truly take no joy in being right about Kris Johnson sucking. I certainly would rather have a win. Hooray, I totally called it. Sigh.

Yankees win 10-2. SWB starter (and game winner) DJ Mitchell pitched six and 2/3 innings, giving up two runs on three hits. The two Pawtucket runs were like this thing in the sixth inning where Josh Reddick hit a two-run homer. So that was good.

Mitchell struck out six and walked four. He threw 113 pitches. His ERA is 2.50. Mitchell is from North Carolina and he went to Clemson... He hates being stuck in traffic and his turn-ons are sunsets on the beach, light rock, and ladies who let him touch their boobs.

Okay, I'm stalling. Kris Johnson took the loss for the Red Sox. Johnson got two groundouts right away in the top of the first, which I'm sure no one thought twice about because they were too busy buying cotton candy for their kids. No really. Out of the 8,292 people in attendance, how many do you think had heard of Kris Johnson, let alone know about the likelihood of him blowing the g.d. game?

So with two outs, sexy young catcher Jesus Montero hit a double to center. Jorge Vazquez, who is one of the most prolific hitters in the IL, flied deep to center... Home run. Another big-timer, center fielder Justin Maxwell, followed that up with a single to center. Reddick was really busy out there, huh?

Third baseman Brandon Laird hit an RBI double to bring the score to 3-0. Here comes "River" Jordan Parraz... Johnson hits him! D'oh! Designated hitter Luis Nunez was next and he must have been totally salivating. Bam, double, Laird and Parraz score. 5-0. And the inning was over when Ramiro Pena flied out.

How about the second inning? Kevin Russo hit a ground ball to left for a single to get things going for Scranton. Dan Brewer hit a fly ball to right... Caught by Nava. Montero grounded into a force out. Uh-oh, Jorge Vazquez. Vazquez went ahead and hit his 14th home run of the year. 7-0 Scranton. Curtains for Kris Johnson!

Reliever Tony Pena was the next victim. Three innings, eight hits, three runs. The third inning really ruined Christmas for everyone, as there's really no coming back from a 10-0 smackdown.

They are never going to get rid of Kris Johnson.

we were in it, the pit:
1. Jordan Parraz has a brother named Zeke. Here's a picture of him!
2. Josh Reddick's home run in the sixth killed DJ Mitchell's no-hitter. Attaboy, Josh Reddick!
3. Hey, Tommy Hottovy's back! Did you know that Hottovy designed a kit for softening baseball gloves?
4. "Johnson retired the first two hitters before the roof caved in and his earned run average jumped up two full runs to 12.63. Jesus Montero ripped a double to the gap in left center and Vazquez unloaded all over your face, launching a towering blast to dead center that landed on the roof of an equipment shed behind the batter's eye." - full story

I guess if we can't have Rich Hill, then Hottovy's kind of the same thing. Were we talking about Hottovy? CAN'T SPELL HOTTOVY WITHOUT 'HOTT'!!!!!!

TONIGHT! Matt Fox v Andrew Brackman, Purveyor of Pleasure. Oh, it's also Star Wars Day. You should go, it's neat.

5.13.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees - Anti-Pope

Yankees take it, 2-1. Pawtucket's offense is evidently on maternity leave. Scranton starter Lance Pendleton pitched three innings, keeping Pawtucket scoreless. Obviously. The win was granted to reliever Ryan Pope, who's a lot cuter anyway.

Brandon Duckworth got the start for Pawtucket. It was a great start and it was fucking wasted. Except for a shaky first inning... A leadoff double, a HBP and a walk. Then a sac fly by slugging first baseman Jorge Vazquez that Matt Sheely kinda effed up and almost turned into a grand slam.

And Pawtucket could not do anything. Lars Anderson tried, bless his heart, hitting a couple of doubles, but look who's batting after him! Nava! Dlugach! Hector Luna should have batted after Anderson... Okay, never mind, I'm not a manager.

Clevelan Santeliz allowed a single to Kevin Russo in the ninth. A stolen base, a throwing error, and a sac fly brought him across the plate to put the Yankees up 2-0. Pawtucket completely teased everyone when they led the bottom of the ninth off with a single and a double with no outs... They subsequently scored when a ground ball by Nava pushed Hector Luna across, but Dlugach hit a fly ball to center, possibly the kind that thrills the kids but is ultimately caught on the warning track or something. I don't know, I wasn't there.

i should know, i had to go there myself:
1. Hector Noesi was originally scheduled to pitch for the Scrankees, but he was called up.
2. Lance Pendleton and his wife have a safe word.
3. Sexy young catcher Jesus Montero was ejected for the classic 'strike arguing' violation. “I thought it was high,” Montero said.
4. This game summary has been approved by the floating head of Brandon Duckworth.
5. Speaking of Brandon D, who thinks he could get the call from Boston? Just thinking about angry people calling into radio stations over this is filling me with glee. TRADE LACKEY FOR VERLANDER!!!!

I guess that's it for me. TONIGHT! Marriage! Also, DJ Mitchell spins hot traxxx for Scranton Wilkes-Barre.

Kris Johnson is starting for the Red Sox. Oh, this should be good. Could this be Johnson's last chance?

5.12.11 Pawtucket v Gwinnett

Gwinnett Braves WIN! 4-2 in 15 innings. AND I WAS THERE FOR ALL OF IT.

Not really, but I was there for a little while. Pawtucket starter Andrew Miller pitched five innings and gave up two runs, one of them unearned. Miller struck out six and walked four.

The Braves countered with their own brand of sweetness: Superstar and (purported) Future Pedro Julio Teheran. Teheran threw 120 pitches, you guys, all the way into the eighth inning. Seven strikeouts, four walks, two runs.

Pawtucket scored first in this game in the bottom of the second. Drew Sutton led off with a single, Lars Anderson walked. No outs. And then Daniel Nava hit an RBI single and yes you are reading that correctly. Nava has not been doing much of anything at the plate, but yesterday he was feeling good. Luis Exposito then flied out to center. Anderson tagged, ran home, 2-0 Red Sox.

Gwinnett got one back in the top of the fifth, when left fielder Wilkin Ramirez hit a solo home run. Reliever Scott Atchison took over for Miller in the sixth inning and Jordan Schafer was dancing around first base, having reached on an error. Matt Young singled to put two runners on with no outs. Third baseman Ed Lucas bunted the runners over... Have we seen many Pawtucket bunts this season? Who bunts? Nate Spears? Tony T? (Eighteen bunts for the Pawsox thus far. Reddick and Thomas lead the team with three apiece.)

Atchison then threw a wild pitch which Schafer was able to score on, tying the game. Whatever, it was only the sixth. Except the game stayed tied for inning after inning... Guys like Anthony Varvaro, Dan Wheeler, and one of the Proctors pitched. I'm pretty sure Derek Lowe was in there for a while, too.

In the bottom of the tenth, Pawtucket did load the bases up with one out, but Varvaro struck out Reddick and Sutton. Happened again in the 14th, but Reddick popped out and Sutton flied out. Come on, you guys. Come. On.

Blake Maxwell was pitching in the 15th when Stefan Gartrell hit a two-run homer. I would venture to say this made Gartrell very popular with his teammates. That was the end of it all, Pawtucket didn't score in the bottom of the inning. The Braves maybe missed their flight. What a sad ending.

two things:
1. Daniel Nava went 3-7.
2. Lars Anderson, your game is tight. I like his style of play this year, although I'm sure he's frustrated by the results. It is all going to fall into place, according to the mysterious floating hamster in my dream.
3. Take it away, Terry Nau.
4. Michael Bowden pitched a couple of scoreless innings. I'm starting to think his effectiveness is not a fluke. Jason Rice? Three scoreless innings. Good work, everybody.

Sorry this is so late, but everything was malfunctioning.

5.11.11 Red Sox v Braves

Gwinnett Braves win, 2-0. Starting pitcher Rodrigo Lopez pitched seven shutout innings, giving up only three hits while striking out seven. Lopez got the win for Gwinnett. Pawtucket starter Kyle Weiland threw 91 pitches through six innings and gave up two runs on two hits.... Walked four, struck out nine.

Fresh and clean reliever Dennis Neuman handled the final three innings of the game remarkably, keeping the Braves hitless and striking out three of 'em. Too bad.

So, the Gwinnett Braves scored two runs, eh? Third inning, with two outs, Weiland walks DH Jose Constanza. Jordan Schafer hits a fly ball to left for a double and Constanza scores. A single by Matt Young brought Schafer home. 2-0.

Lars Anderson hit a double at some point and Nate Spears tripled. What can I say? This game was all pitching, all Rodrigo, all day.

hiawatha didn't bother too much:
1. Jordan Schafer's been suspended for PED use in the past. He denies.... things. Blames hanging out with a fast crowd. Sure, but he totally looks like a guy in high school you'd buy weed from, kinda knowing he's taken a big pinch off it.
2. "Anoche, el veterano Rodrigo López volvió a demostrar que está arriba del nivel de la Liga Internacional de Triple A, al lanzar siete entradas sin aceptar carrera en una victoria 2-0 de Gwinnett, sucursal de los Bravos de Atlanta, sobre Pawtuckett." - It's PAWTUCKET MOTHERFUCKER!
3. Rodrigo Lopez is 5-0 so far this season. He is currently leading the IL for innings pitched with 45.1.
4. "Rodrigo Lopez is 35, and he has exactly 0.3 rWAR since the beginning of the 2005 season. He’s the definition of a replacement player. (He actually has 6.4 fWAR over that period, which strikes me as faintly absurd, but it amounts to effectively the same thing — for the past six years, he’s been worth between 0 and 1 Win Above Replacement. We have him in our minor leagues, just like every team has a guy like that in their minor leagues in case the whole staff catches the flu and they need someone to make a spot start. He doesn’t have trade value." - posted by 'Alex Remington (Another Alex R.)' on some Fredi Gonzalez Hate Site

TONIGHT! Julio Teheran, for all you thrill-seekers. The Braves seem pretty stacked as far as young pitching, so I hoped you're enjoying this series of tassle-flappin' starts at McCoy. Even if Pawtucket is losing.

Andrew Miller and his coiffure will attempt to get a win. How bad do I wanna skip work today?

5.10.11 Pawtucket Red ... Braves... And stuff.

Braves win 5-1. Starter Mike Minor was terrific, pitching seven one-run innings and racking up eight strikeouts. Yeah. Minor's only major boo-boo was Tony Thomas's solo home run in the first inning. I was present at the park and got to see him pitch. It was neat.

Red Sox starter Matt Fox pitched 4 2/3 innings and he, too, only gave up one run. He wasn't bad. Things started fraying a little when Tony Pena took over.In the top of the seventh, right fielder Wilkin Ramirez tripled to center with two outs. Him and his pants, which are bad pants. Third baseman Shawn Bowman followed the triple up with a single, scoring Ramirez. 2-1 Gwinnett.

In the eighth inning, lefty Kris Johnson took over. Please note that I am gunning for an even, measured tone when I talk about his relief outing. Johnson got Constanza out, which was good. Then center fielder Jordan Schafer hit a line drive single to center. Okay, so far no cause for real alarm. Little first baseman Matt Young followed that with a single of his own. The rather dangerous Mauro Gomez flied to center and it fell in for a double. Both base runners scored and Gomez scooted over to third on an error by Exposito.

Designated Lothario Stefan Gartrell, who bats .353 against lefties to begin with, hit a very sexy and masculine line drive to left, scoring Gomez and getting his fine self to second base. HE CAN GET TO SECOND BASE WITH ME ANY TIME.

And that was it for Johnson. Michael Bowden took over and I would imagine was very nice about it. He could have said Hey, move over and let the big dogs eat, but they are teammates and you're not supposed to do that. Bowden cleaned things up and got the last couple of outs. I am still mystified by this new man who is a wicked decent reliever and not an asparagus-limp starter. Michael Bowden: Yay and such.

Pawtucket never got more than that one run in the first. Braves reliever Juan Abreu pitched the 8th and 9th and got three K's. Minor wound up chucking 114 pitches, which is insane! I'm sure it's all part of the plan.

it's tucked into my socks:
1. Nate Spears - three strikeouts.
2. Mike Minor was the IL pitcher of the week on or about 4/25 this season.
3. According to high school student Kevin Pereira, JC Linares is done for the season. WTF.
4. Mike Minor is man enough to admit he gets scared, nervous. Don Sutton approves.
5. "And something must be in the first baseman’s water bottle at Gwinnett: After Freeman tore up the International League, current G-Braves 1B Mauro Gomez has a Pujols-esque line: .393/.435/.673 with an OPS of 1.108, 6 HR and 23 RBI in 27 games." posted by 'Boatdoc' on the 'Capitol Avenue Club' blog.

Tonight! AW, it's Rodrigo Lopez and I have to miss it! Kyle Weiland opposes. Whatever, it's probably going to rain.

Baby Lars Anderson doesn't always feel like smiling.

"It's funny how you can be at a party, in a room full of people and still feel totally alone."

5.9.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Gwinnett Braves - Jacob Thompson needs a drink.

Pawtucket WINS! 9-2, mostly because Braves starter Jacob Thompson lost his damn mind. Red Sox starter Felix Doubront pitched 4 1/3 innings, giving up a solo home run by designated hitter Wilkin Ramirez. Doubront struck out seven, walked one guy, and threw 78 pitches. The win went to reliever Jason Rice, though, who threw 2 1/3 shutout innings.

Gwinnett starter Jacob Thompson only pitched 1/3 of an inning. In the first inning, Thompson kicked things off by giving up three consecutive walks to load the bases. And it wasn't like, a criminal mastermind thing. Hector Luna then singled to get the first run across... And then Thompson walked in the second run. So far, so good. Tony Thomas was up next and he hit a line drive double to left, scoring another pair of runs. Here comes Nate Spears! Spears is generally pretty productive, but somehow he grounded out. But that's okay, it got another run over.

Thompson's next obstacle was Luis Exposito, the easiest out in town. Plunk, he hits him, pushing another run over. And that was it, no one could stand any more, it was getting uncomfortable for everyone involved. Kind of like the pitching version of whiskey dick.

Lefty reliever Jose Lugo entered the game to try and scrape up some dignity. Lugo struck out Sheely and Nava to end the inning, but it was 5-0.

Pawtucket scored a sixth run in the bottom of the second when Drew Sutton hit a solo homer. The team didn't score again until the sixth inning, when reliever Jaye Chapman stepped in for Lugo. Drew Sutton homered a second time with Matt Sheely on base, Josh Reddick hit a double, Luna and Anderson walked, and Tony Thomas lined into a force out, scoring Reddick. That's three more runs, to put it succinctly.

Scott Atchison was nicked for a run in the eighth inning, when Stefan Gartrell hit an RBI double, But that was all. Clevelan Santeliz pitched the ninth inning and somehow managed not to give up seven or more runs.

And now I will never forget Jacob Thompson.

Keith:
1. Drew Sutton, you guys. 3-4 with three RBIs. So unassuming, but such a solid player thus far. All that RBI-ness really brings out his eyes, too. What I am trying to say is that you totally want to wake up in his jersey.
2. Braves first baseman Mauro Gomez went 3-4. Catcher Wilkin Castillo hit a triple off Jason Rice.
3. Mike Scandura's gonna tell you all about it.
4. This brief game summary contains three misspellings. Pawtuckett. Mat Fox. Muaro. Super job, "Staff Reports", if that is your real name.
5. I like how this report leads off with a little file photo of Drew Sutton. I don't know, it cracked me up for some reason.
6. Nice job, Kevin Pereira.
7. Series preview here, it's very lovely.
8. And this story is only tangentially related, but it features Jacob Thompson and I think it's terrific. Adam Sobsey!!!!

Tonight! Lefty Mike Minor will try and take down Mighty Matt Fox. I really ramped myself up for this game, so I will be in attendance, barring catastrophe. DO IT.

5.8.11 Pawtucket @ Scranton - Mudder.

PawSox win 5-4. Starting pitcher Brandon Duckworth gets the win, getting in six innings while throwing 94 pitches. Duckworth gave up four runs on eight hits, including a solo home run by outfielder Justin Maxwell.

Yankees starter Hector Noesi pitched seven innings and took the loss. Pawtucket scored all of their runs off Noesi.

Pawtucket's first run of the night went down in the first inning, when Drew Sutton hit his twelfth double of the year and was subsequently brought home by a Reddick single to right. Scranton tied it up 1-1 in the second inning, when a slew of singles pushed Justin Maxwell across.

Pawtucket pulled ahead in the fourth inning when, with two outs, Lars Anderson doubled on a fly ball to center. Catcher Mike McKenry walked and both runners advanced on a wild pitch. And Nate Spears, who's been great, hit a line drive single to right, scoring Anderson and McKenry. Unfortunately, Spears thought he had second base. He did not. DID YOU NOT READ THAT THING THAT DONNIE COLLINS SAID? The SWB Yankees have some strong, strong outfielders. Spears was out at second base.

Scranton kept pace with Pawtucket to a certain extent. In the bottom half of that fourth inning, Maxwell hit the aforementioned home run. And in the fifth inning, they pulled ahead 4-3 when center fielder Chris Dickerson hit a two-run double. Pawtucket tied it up in the sixth with... A bunch of ground outs? Whatever, it scored a run.

And finally, Pawtucket's little Matt Sheely led the seventh off by getting hit with a pitch. After stealing second, Sheely made it home when Daniel Nava hit a single. Wow, Sheely really is the same guy as Jeff Natale!

And that was it. The run in the seventh put the Red Sox ahead for good. Fresh, young call-up Dennis Neuman held Scranton down in the eighth and ninth and got the save. Nice work, kid.

vermountains:
1. Runner on third, less than two outs. You need to get that guy across. Chris Dickerson knows this by heart.
2. Justin Maxwell's home run was his twelfth of the year and he is leading the IL. Drew Sutton is leading the IL with doubles, but he's sharing that spot with like three other guys.
3. "Two things I didn’t know about Dennis Newman. One is that his last name is actually Neuman. The other is that he never pitched above low Class A before getting a 1-2-3 eighth." - DONNIE COLLINS, THE GREATEST SPORTSWRITER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN.
4. "Pawtucket manager Arnie Beyeler is killing his team. Other IL managers take note. He just got McKenry thrown out at home by Dickerson. By rights, that’s the second runner he had thrown out at the plate today and the fourth in the series. Montero dropped the ball at home on a perfect throw by Brewer — a huge play in the game — but really, how bull-headed must he be to keep sending runners on the Yankees outfielders?" - ibid.
5. Michael Bowden pitched a 1-2-3 seventh. I am glad for his success as a reliever.
6. Nate Spears seems clutch, but I cannot find any statistics that reveal his AVG with runners in scoring position. Can someone dig this up for me and shoot me an e-mail? I would be much obliged.

I'm gonna do something different right now. Yesterday I was in Vermont to see my sister do this ten-mile muddy obstacle course pain-fest event. And I know that baseball players possess a specialized athleticism that I can't really compare to, but this was a remarkable show of human strength, power and grit. So congratulations, Lucky, on being a real badass... Trot Nixon would be so impressed.

DONNIE COLLINS!!!!

5.6.11 Pawtucket Red Sox @ SWB Yankees - Inevitable?

Yankees win 10-1, damn it. Starter David Phelps pitched six shutout innings, giving up one hit and one walk. Phelps had seven strike outs, so I guess you gotta tip your cap. Pawtucket starter Kyle Weiland also has seven strikeouts, but he gave up five runs in five and a third innings and took the loss.

Scranton Wilkes-Barre struck first in inning number one, when left fielder Chis Dickerson hit an RBI double. 1-0 Yankees. In the third inning, a slew of singles and a timely double put SWB up 3-0.

The sixth inning saw Scranton surging ahead of the PawSox for good. First base power threat Jorge Vazquez led the inning off with a walk. A line drive to center by Brandon Laird put runners on first and second and ended the night for starter Kyle Weiland. Enter good ol' Clevelan Santeliz! Santeliz got Jordan Parraz to fly out for the second out of the inning, but he then walked Luis Nunez to load the bases. And that's when little Doug Bernier tripled to right, scoring Vazquez, Laird, and Nunez. That's some excitement right there at (Name of ugly Yankees park in Moosic).

Santeliz then walked Dan Brewer and Chris Dickerson and a passed ball scored Bernier. Oh, god. Finally, Jesus Montero flied out to end the inning.

Jason Rice entered the seventh inning, inheriting a pair of runners from Santeliz. Freaking Jordan Parraz hit a three-run double. What is with this guy?

The only Pawtucket run came at the final hour in the ninth, when Nate Spears hit an RBI single. Isn't he that guy that you like that did that thing in spring training?

Jesus, that was hard. I very nearly went back to bed. And I probably should have, but I don't think I'll be here tomorrow. I would never deprive you guys like that.

YEAH, PAWTUCKET, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? HUH? YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT?
1. "Now that they're both married and getting on with their careers, it's difficult for David Phelps and Kyle Weiland to get together as much as they'd like. They chat from time to time, of course, and every once in a while, they run into each other at the office." - from Donnie Collins' game summary. Collins is streets ahead.
2. “Today, my mechanics were clicking. I was making pitches. It was definitely my best stuff. When we’re clicking, there’s not a lot of teams that can beat us.” - Well, well, David Phelps. How big, exactly, is your penis?(story here)
3. Lars Anderson tried, man. He had a couple of hits. No one player hit more than a single, so I suppose that makes Anderson the star of the game.
4. "Between innings, super intern Colin noticed the Pawtucket pitchers behind the plate charting pitches were doing so with an iPad. So I got out my binoculars, and sure enough, there was my old Red Barons buddy Brandon Duckworth using a stylus to click on pitch type, location and speed. That, my friends, is an awesome scouting tool the Red Sox have." - Donnie Collins' live blog.
5. Right fielder Dan Brewer is a recent call-up from double-A Trenton.
6. Wait, so Jordan Parraz was on the Red Sox? Yes, and then he was claimed off waivers by the Yankees. Possessions are fleeting.

TODAY! North Carolina whores Andrew Miller and Adam Warren face off at the park... I saw that park from a service station I'd stopped at in Pennsylvania. Remember? I went to Pittsburgh to see the Pirates? No? You never listen to me.

5.5.11 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees

Let it be noted that the font I used for the lineups is super ugly, but I don't have time to select a cuter one.

Pawtucket WINS! 4-1. Red Sox starter Matt Fox pitches five scoreless innings with one walk and three strikeouts. Fox's last appearance was as a reliever, so his pitch count was a lowish 57. Yankees starter Andrew Brackman's appearance was unruly and unkempt - It took him 96 pitches to get through four innings. Brackman gave up three runs on six hits and five walks.

Brackman's first sign of trouble came in the first inning, when unending source of doubles Drew Sutton uh, doubled to right with one out. A walk from Reddick put two runners on for Mash Monster Hector Luna, who hit an RBI single to center, putting Pawtucket up 1-0. After a strikeout by Lars Anderson, Luna stole second with Tony Thomas at the plate. Laugh if you like, but Luna stole seven bases last year, which is more than I can say for Brandon Moss.

Thomas walked to load the bases for Nate Spears... And it's a line drive to right! Reddick scores! Here comes Hector Luna and the throw is.... Not in time! A two-run single for Nate Spears! (TM Every baseball radiocaster that ever lived.)

All of that junk put the PawSox up 3-0. No one scored further until the top of the sixth. Yankees reliever Luis Ayala faced Nava to lead the inning off, and Nava tripled and scored on a sac fly by Reddick.

And still the Yankees did not score. Not off Tony Pena, not off Blake Maxwell. It was Michael Bowden in the ninth inning that got nicked for a Scranton run. Things got a little sweaty and intense when catcher Jesus Montero led the ninth off with a single... And then Jorge Vazquez singled... But Bowden got left fielder Justin Maxwell with a K and Brandon Laird with a force out. Jordan Parraz followed with a single to right, scoring Jesus Montero. 4-1 Pawtucket. Bowden throws a wild pitch... Everyone advances... But he managed to strike out Luis Nunez to sustain the lead and put up a win. Yeah, you like that.

now you know how nice it feels:
1. Hector Luna went 3-5. He is a freaking animal. Nate Spears also had three hits. Luis Exposito went 0-5 with a strikeout.
2. This season, 11 out of 15 runs that Andrew Brackman has given up were in the first inning.
3. Ramiro Pena was pulled out of the game to go up! Up! To the Yankees to replace Eric Chavez, who is evidently made of porcelain.
4. "It’s comical that teams still run on the Yankees outfielders. Laughable. Justin Maxwell just got Drew Sutton at the plate, and it wasn’t even close. I understand you have to take chances sometimes, but the opposition is gambling foolishly against the Yankees outfielders. Any time they have a play, they make it." - Geez, smug much? From a live blog featuring the inimitable Donnie Collins.
5. "Here’s a strange little tidbit on a night full of strange tidbits: Right-hander Kyle Weiland is warming up in the Pawtucket bullpen. Tomorrow’s scheduled starter for Pawtucket: Kyle Weiland." - ibid.
6. "And evidently, Blake Maxwell is a character. He’s got mutton chops and an Al Hrabosky — I seriously don’t know how to spell that — mustache. His first pitch went to the screen. His second hit Russo. He’s stomping around the mound like Rojo Johnson. Hysterical." - ibid. Okay, just read the whole thing. Someone buy me a laptop so I can do this in Pawtucket.
7. Oh yeah, Blake Maxwell was called up from Portland. Rich Hill, Atchison, and Aceves are all with Boston. Tony Pena's off the DL.

Tonight! Kyle Weiland faces David Phelps. Oh my gosh, they both went to Notre Dame. This is exciting for someone, somewhere.

HECTOR!!!!!

Ramp Champ #38 - Jon Lester

Jon Lester is a left-handed pitcher who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 2006 and 2007. He was 22-23 years old.

In 2006, Lester started 11 games, ending the season with a 2.70 ERA. 43 strikeouts, 25 walks.

In '07, Lester started 14 games. He pitched two complete games. (By the way, Kevin Slowey pitched FIVE CG's for Rochester that season.) Lester's ERA that season was 3.89. He was essentially rehabbing the whole time. I saw him pitch enough times to know that Lester got pissy when he was taken out of a game. WHAT A COMPETITOR!

Is this Jon Lester's baby? How did something so adorable come from someone so... Never mind.

Two things:
1. Hey, I was at this game! Yes, it's true: Lester was the starter for the Delmon Young game back in 2007. Wait, that was 2006? Holy crap, am I old.
2. Lester has shot a bow and arrow on the field at McCoy. Of course.

Jon Lester's picture is somewhere at McCoy Stadium. Or everywhere. He's perfect and everyone loves him, so what can I say.

5.3.11 Redder Sox, Muddier Hens

Toledo takes 3 out of 4, this game 7-2. Mud Hens starter Duane Below pitched six innings, gave up two runs on seven hits, and got the win.

Pawtucket countered with Felix Doubront, who pitched 3 1/3 innings and gave up two runs on four hits. Doubront also had five strikeouts and three walks. Reliever Jason Rice took the loss for the Red Sox, working for 1 1/3 innings and giving up three runs in the top of the fifth before being replaced by Kris Johnson.

Johnson put in three innings of work and the Mud Hens beat a couple of more runs out of him. Relievers Scott Atchison and Rich Hill got two outs apiece to wrap the game up, neither pitcher allowing an eighth run.

Pawtucket third baseman Hector Luna hit an RBI double in the bottom of the first inning to give the Sox their first run. Luna went on to hit a solo home run in the fourth, putting up Pawtucket's second and final run.

The rehabbing Victor Martinez went 2-4 with a double. Shortstop Cale Iorg hit a two-run homer in the second inning. Veteran left fielder Timo Perez went 4-5.

Today will be an off day for the team, followed by a series in Scranton Wilkes-Barre facing the Yankees. Alfredo Aceves will face righty Andrew Brackman.

5.2.11 Red Sox v Mud Hens - I am very worried about JC Linares.

I CAN NO LONGER KEEP WAKING UP THIS EARLY! I can't do it, I can't. I was having a perfectly good dream that I was reading an in-depth profile on Jim Leyland after I skateboarded to my law class. And in my dream I lived near the beach. Which I already do, sort of, but it's not like I can see the ocean from my house.

Let me get two things out of the way: HEY MCCOY P.A. GUY, IT'S 'LUIS' EXPOSITO! NOT 'LOUIS'! IT IS NOT THE SAME THING! I WANT JIM MARTIN BACK!

Second, Helen Glover threw out the first pitch. Glover spit some 'Proud to be an American' crap and told a stupid 'joke' about Bin Laden. It wasn't wildly conservative, but the undertones were there. And they played 'Male Model'. (Sorry.)

Yeah, it's way too early. This sleep deprivation is going to make me crash my car.

Pawtucket WINS! 11-2. Starting pitcher Brandon Duckworth was not stellar, but solid enough to keep the Dirt Birds down for six innings. Duckworth gave up two runs on eight hits and he struck out six batters. And two walks, don't forget those.

Toledo starter Charlie Furbush, who comes from the rather frightening state of Maine, is tall. And it was obvious from the outset that Furbush could not handle the real ultimate power of Yamaico Navarro, who led the entire game off with a double. Navarro advanced on a passed ball, Sutton walked, Reddick grounds into a force out, scoring Navarro. And then Hector Luna... Good news, everyone! Luna hit a home run! 3-0 Pawtucket!

The second inning was great but also terrible. JC Linares led off with a walk... Iglesias then hit the ball into the infield and reached first base on an error. But when Linares hit second base, he hurt himself and dropped to the ground. Big, strong Linares was down and he was all red and practically screaming in agony. It looked really bad. Probably the knee. Linares was assisted off the field by two gents and he hop hopped all the way to the dugout. I thought he might have needed a stretcher. At any rate, it was the worst thing I have ever seen at McCoy. Linares is great, too.

Nate Spears in his gator boots and his pimped out Gucci suit entered the game as a pinch runner for Linares. Poor Linares, oh my god, I hope he is okay. After all of that, Drew Sutton hit a three-run homer. Reddick flew out to center, but Hector Luna hit another BOMB and it was crazy. Damn it is good to have Luna on our team. He is like Super Sandy Madera. 7-0 Pawtucket! And it was curtians for Charlie Furbush, who was replaced in favor of Chris Oxspring. It was a very long second inning.

Pawtucket struck again in the third v Oxspring, after Toledo scarped up a run in the top of the inning. Iglesias hit a single with two outs and Yamaico Navarro hit a home run to center. 9-1 Pawtucket!

Top of the fourth, shortstop Cale Iorg doubled with one out. Center fielder Andy Dirks hit an RBI single to bring the score to 9-2. But in the bottom of the inning, a slew of singles pushed another run across and it was 10-2 Red Sox.

Pawtucket went on to score its eleventh and final run in the fifth inning, when Yamaico Navarro hit a solo home run. Truly astounding. I was unstirred by Navarro last season and now I am shaken.

Relievers Randy Williams and Matt Fox stapled down the rest of the game, held the Mud Hens to zero point zero zero runs. It was wonderful to be there. It was certainly a thrill.


isaac fucking newton:
1. Cale Iorg is a pretty ballsy infielder. Jose Iglesias certainly noticed. It almost looked like they were trying to outdo each other at shortstop, both flying after balls that were nowhere near them. Good hustle, I guess?
2. Toledo third baseman Bryan Pounds is ripped up. He must work out a lot. Also, Scott Thorman gave a ball to a kid on the field for a pre-game ceremony, which was so sweet and unnecessary. The youngster looked at it for second then unexpectedly threw it... Hey...
3. Matt Sheely is still just hanging out. He is this season's version of Jeff Natale.
4. Furbush's had some friends and family came down from Maine. I'll bet they packed up the wagon and played their banjos the whole way down! And I'm sure they were disappointed when they couldn't bring their shotguns into the park.
5. When Luis Exposito hit his RBI single in the fourth, he raised his arms up triumphantly while standing on base. WHAT. Is that some kind of signal of camaraderie or is Exposito just being a total dick? Either way, teams have my permission to plunk him.
6. The bases were loaded for Duckworth in the first inning with one out... But he got Strieby and Thorman to strike out. MACHO.
7. Andy Dirks is the IL Player of the Week.
8. And don't feel too bad for Furbush: He recently pitched a complete game one-hitter. He was later seen celebrating by drinking out of a big, brown jug with three x's written on the side.
9. There are two Australian pitchers on the Mud Hens. And now you can read this very nice indeed blog about Australian baseball players called 'Oz MLB Players'.

Listen. Day game today featuring Duane Below and Felix Doubront. Then an off day and THEN THE FUCKING YANKEES!!! Let's wreck those assholes.

5.1.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Toledo Mud Hens - Grilled Hamari Crabill with Chutney

Mud Hens WIN! 4-3. Lefty Andrew Miller got the loss for Pawtucket, working three innings and giving up three runs on four hits. If I can surmise something from a set of numbers on a computer monitor, it is that Miller had control problems: Five walks, 84 pitches in three innings. Well, Miller started the fourth inning, but leading things off with single-walk-single is the kind of thing that gets you replaced.

But I'm not trying to crap all over Andrew Miller or even delve into what his problems might be. I mean, let's look at Mud Hens starter Thad Weber. No matter how homely he is. Weber pitched five and 2/3, gave up three home runs and still got the win. He did, however, strike out nine PawSox dudes.

Perhaps I should put this thing in reverse. The PawSox walk backward onto the field, slowly, and assume their positions. Okay, no, not like that. But not all the way to the first inning either. Although if I were at the game, I might have been impressed with Weber's first inning because he got Spears, Navarro, and Reddick to strike out swinging. Right in order!

Bottom of the third, no score yet. Catcher Mike McKenry leads off with his first home run of the season. Good job, Mike. JC Linares follows that up with a home run of his own. 2-0 Red Sox.

And here comes the pivotal fourth inning. Miller's pitching and he walks DH Cesar Nicolas. Outfielder Clete Thomas singles and Our Heinous Diaz walks to load the bases with no outs. If there's any man I want out on the hill in this situation, it's Atchison. Looks like Beyeler agrees, cause here he comes. Catcher John Murrian hits a fly ball to to right... Back! Back! Caught by Navarro! Nicolas tags and scores, 2-1 now. CF Andy Dirks hits a line drive to center, Thomas scores! Tie game!

Atchison now has to face Scott Sizemore, who everyone is afraid of even though he gives his mother flowers and that. Sizemore tripled to right, scoring Diaz and Dirks. Sizemore then tried to steal home, which is usually a pretty terrible idea... Sizemore didn't make it and it's not because he's fat. It might be that he should have hooted wildly like Daffy Duck the whole time.

Pawtucket slapped a run up in the bottom half of the inning when McKenry hit a second solo home run. That's so weird. But the rest of the game was scoreless, so fantastic job by all the young dudes in the bullpen. Michael Bowden pitched three scoreless innings and had six strikeouts. What the fuck. It's official: Bowden is now a pod person, inhabited by a space creature who feeds off opposing teams' whiffs.

The Incredible Rich Hill had a ten-pitch eighth inning, striking out Nicolas and Thomas. How do you not feel like a badass doing something like that? I would watch it on video over and over. Yes, sir, that's my baby.

where's that Camp Chicawattamee spirit?
1. McKenry wound up going 3-4, so it was his night and I hope he celebrated in an alcohol-free fashion.
2. Scott Sizemore is leading the IL in hitting. You might call him a bastard, or a little bastard, depending on how whimsical you feel at the time.
3. "[Ryan] Strieby is a natural first baseman. He is an athlete so tall and sculpted, and so radiant in his whitish-blond hair, that ex-Tigers pitcher Dontrelle Willis nicknamed him "Polar Bear." - Why does this make him seem like a porn star?
4. Hey, man, it's CESAR Nicolas, not 'Carlos'.

5. Andrew Miller is a Heel.

Hey, whatever happened to Jordan Tata? What a cutie.

Tonight! Victor Martinez is rehabbing, if you're into that freaky shit. Otherwise, it's Charlie Furbush and Brandon Duckworth. Duckbush.

See you there!

4.30.11 Pawtucket Red Sox v Toledo Mud Hens - Yeah, we know.

Fireworks last night in Pawtucket! Not the way you're thinking... I'm talking about non-figurative fireworks after the game. Didn't mean to rile you up.

PAWTUCKET! LOST! 4-3. Starting pitcher Kyle Weiland pitched five innings, gave up two runs and got the loss. Weiland is now 2-2 for the season. But get this! Toledo's starter Andrew Oliver pitched seven innings and threw 111 pitches! Oliver is only 23 years old, too. Remarkable. Oliver picked up the win, so his labor was rewarded and everyone loves him.

Runs! First run of the game was in the fourth inning. Second baseman Scott Sizemore singled and advanced to second on a balk. Timo Perez bunted Sizemore over and first baseman Ryan Strieby singled to get the run across. People helping people, that's what it's about.

A trio of Toledo singles in the fifth inning put the Mud Hens up 2-0. Jason Rice pitched the sixth and seventh and held Toledo down, face first in the sewage after all the bars were closed, and grimaced as they choked on the sludge, their cries for help echoing off the brick buildings downtown... But then enter Randy Williams. And his mustache. Williams is back! He's off the DL and I am so excited. Wait, didn't I see Williams in the bullpen during a game? I think that's against the rules. I'd like to speak to a manager, please.

Okay, Randy Williams. Williams gave up two runs. It was the eighth inning and Sizemore led off with a double. Timo Perez sac bunted and still made it to first, thanks to an error by Drew Sutton. Thanks a lot, DREW. Thorman grounded into a force, Perez out at second, Sizemore scores. Thorman stole second base... Wait, isn't this the same guy who was in the Braves org? Big Canadian lummox? Am I thinking of someone else? Thorman stealing bases? THOR-MAN NOT RESTRAINED BY BULK! THOR-MAN STEAL BASE AGAINST PUNY PAWSOX!

Shortstop Cale Iorg hit a liner to center and Thorman scored. Iorg went on to steal second, but was sort of academic because the inning end just as things were getting exciting. Clete Thomas grounded out. But damn, this is the little team that could, with all the bunting and stealing and running around advancing behavior.

Pawtucket picked up three runs in the bottom of the eighth. Robbie Weinhardt was pitching, could not seem to get an out, and was hastily replaced by Matt Hoffman. Is he one of the pedigreed Hoffmans of renowned relief? The world may never know.

Hoffman also ran into trouble and was replaced by former PawSox great Enrique Gonzalez. Gonzalez pitched the rest of the inning and mowed the Red Sox down in the ninth. According to the radiocast, his pitch speed was showing at 97, which made me laugh and laugh. There is just no way. Regardless, game over. Toledo was freaking playing to win, you guys. I wish Pawtucket were like that.

I'll keep my remarks brief:
1. "Matt HOFFMAN? I saw him pitch in Toledo, was rocked.. Absolutely rocked.. Threw like a girl and only hit 85 MPH. Seems like he's on steroids. He blew it in Erie, was terrible at Toledo, and is not nowhere near a top 20 prospect. So what makes you think he'll be in the Tigers bullpen? One outing? 0% and you can mark it down, haha." - posted by 'TurnerHasHYPE' on the Tigers forum.
2. Toledo is second in the IL for stolen bases. Pawtucket? 11th place. Toledo's also in second for sacrifice bunts. Pawtucket is in dead last.
3. Series preview! Assholes are trying to steal my job!
4. Cool story on Mud Hens mgr Phil Nevin.

This afternoon! Andrew Miller v Thad Weber. Go out, have fun. I'll just be over here sneezing my goddamn head off.

HAYFEVER!!!!!