Happy Thanksgiving, Steve Hyder.

Recently I checked in on Hyder's PawSox blog. The Thanksgiving post inspired me! I am going to rip off... Wait, use? Steal? I think the word I'm looking for is 'plagiarize'.

Let's talk to it!

1. "I’m thankful that Jacoby Ellsbury finished second in the A.L. MVP voting. Well deserved." Sure.

2. "I’m thankful that it is still 3 months before pitchers and catchers report to Fort Myers for Spring Training." I suppose when baseball is your job and you work like every day, you need this time off. I'm talking about myself.

3. "I’m thankful that the fiasco that was the September of 2011 is fading into the sunset." Hyder is referring to PitcherGate. Which was one of the most pointless and stupid stories in a long time. You know what else I'm glad to see fade into the sunset? MOCKINGBIRDS.

4. "I am thankful for the Theo Epstein/Terry Francona years." Word to that! Sure, I faded out toward the end, but Theo was the guy responsible for Mike Remlinger and JT Snow!

5. "I’m thankful for the Jonathan Papelbon era in Boston." Rhode Island Day, 2005.

6. "I am thankful for the New England Patriots." Football is boring.

7. "I am thankful that there are three NFL games on Turkey Day." (ibid.)

8. "I am thankful for the 2011 season we enjoyed with the PawSox." Rich Hill and Ryan Kalish, gone too soon. Good season, though, except for JC Linares' injury.

9. "Last but not least, I am thankful for my family and friends." No one in my family ever reads this, so they can go to heck.

You know, this all seemed more exciting when I thought of it last night.

Tommy Hottovy and Drew Sutton are gone. Sutton sure could hit some doubles. I am thankful for that.

Carl Pavano probably smokes his own meat.

Hi!

Back from some time in NH/VT. I attended the Granite State Baseball Dinner, where no one could say enough about what an exemplary human being Chris Carpenter is. He came all the way from his vacation to attend the function, because he's so fucking awesome.

Yes, that was the kind of thing I had to listen to. I didn't barf at the time, but saved it for the early morning hours. Must have been all the tonic I drank.

Some people at my table were friends with Bernie Carbo and he kept swinging by to chat. He is practically a minister at this point, possibly by way of twelve-stepping. In case anyone out there still gives a shit about Bernie Carbo. I much prefer Kenny Rogers.

I had an autograph assignment and my target was Jarrod Saltalamacchia. He wore glasses and fine men's cufflinks. I should have asked him if he did his laundry at the ballpark. His handler would probably just have tapped the sign.

During post-prandial conversation at the hotel bar, I learned that Pirates pitcher Jeff Locke is stressed out and losing weight. There is something wrong with him. So if you're a Locke fan, prepare for that. I wasn't eavesdropping... Someone told me, all over my FACE!

Here comes the Carl Pavano part! So I guess Carl Pavano lives in Vermont. Like my mom! At any rate, I stopped at a general store for like, maple syrup or cider or cheese or whatever. Fucking country shortbread or whatever, you know, it's fucking Vermont. And since I was wearing my fly Twins jacket, the dude at the deli was all, YEAH TWINS KIRBY PUCKETT!!!!

The deli master then revealed that Carl Pavano shops there, buys shotgun shells and junk. Because he's all rugged and not some fussy fancy-pants like Brad Radke or Eddie Guardado. "Wouldn't it be cool if he came in while you were here? He could sign your jacket!"

Yeah, maybe. I doubt I would have recognized him because, hello, I'm in Hillbilly Junction, Vermont. I certainly don't expect a former World Champion Marlins starter to walk in and buy like deer jerky. Later on I looked at pictures of Pavano and I don't know, is he hot? Because he looks kinda hot and I thought he was a mullion. Also, I left that store smelling like smoked moose hooves.

Oh, PS, the Vermont flood damage is no joke, folks. I was in a hard-hit area and I was shocked at the wreckage. Carl Pavano helped out and maybe I should, too. I don't want to be outdone by someone like that.

I'm back from vacation so I will start posting in earnest. Thanks for sticking around.

You're so unsatisfied.

Even though I blabbed this all over the place, in case you didn't hear I wrote a guest column for Baseball Prospectus. I am not making this up.

Most of the other columns are like, MIT professors and physics majors and wicked smart people. So I don't know, maybe they're diversifying. I thought it was weird, but I guess they know what they're doing.

I could have done better. Too bad, because when you have only one shot... One opportunity... Well, I guess you have to just wait until the last minute and churn out a bunch of vanilla soft serve.

Well, back to watching reruns and pigging out on burritos!