7.30.12 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees - Wanksta

Yankees win, 2-1, in a game played in Rochester. Win goes to John Maine, who used to be Pawtucket's girl and if you look at his line you'll wish you'd never let him go. Loss goes to Nelson Figueroa, who was only trying to help.

Starting P for the Red Sox was Daisuke Matsuzaka, who is rehabbing again. DM pitched 2 1/3 innings and allowed no runs on four hits.

John Maine's start was a little more glamorous. Maine pitched for seven scoreless innings and gave up only one hit. Only two strikeouts, though, but twelve ground ball outs and six fly outs.

There was no score for this game until the sixth inning. Nelson Figueroa was pitching, and he led things off by walking second baseman Corban Joseph. Figueroa got the next couple of outs, but then allowed a single by Brandon Laird. Kosuke Fukudome's ensuing single scored Joseph. 1-0 Yankees.

The Yankees scored their second run off reliever Alex Wilson in the eighth by way of an error and a sac fly. The PawSox picked up their one run in the ninth, with a couple of singles and a ground out. Everything ended when Jose Iglesias grounded into a double play. Bummer.

your two best friends:
1. "In terms of looking like a guy with a myriad of diving and darting pitches who can strike out Nick Swisher or Jose Bautista, [Matsuzaka] looked more like a guy who could strike out Brandon Laird and Kosuke Fukudome." - HA! Nice stuff by Kevin Oklobzija.

2. HA! Again: "I don’t know what “depends on how Dice comes out of the chute” refers to. Maybe if he comes out like normal, walking 7 batters in the first proceeding a grand slam, he gets 75 pitches. If Scranton swings at balls over their head for 3 innings, he only gets 45 pitches. It’s really hard to tell." - from Over the Monster

3. Ryan Kalish says "Pain don't hurt." (Mike Scandura)

4. Che-Hsuan Lin got two hits and Nate Spears got one hit and there were no other hits.

Tonight! Zach Stewart and Ramon Ortiz. Sorry, I am at that point of the season where I hit a wall and lose interest. Happens every year.

Bye.

7.27.12 Pawtucket Red Sox vs Indianapolis Indians

Scott Atchison and the PawSox win, 5-3. Chris Hernandez gets the win, Atchison only pitched one inning. The first.

Hernandez didn't start this game and I had no idea Scott Atchison would be pitching at all, so I'm a little angry that I was uninformed. Hernandez pitched five scoreless innings, with four hits and two walks. CH struck out three batters.

Starting pitcher for the Indians... Dude, Indianapolis is such a pain to type... was Daniel Cabrera. Cabrera pitched five innings and gave up all the runs. Yeah, all of them, and his relievers (Logan Kensing, Evan Meek, Jose Diaz) did not allow ant runs at all. We can see who the true heroes are.

Ryan Kalish kicked off the jubilee by being the first batter and also getting the first hit: A single at the top of the first. Lars Anderson batted him a little later on. Mauro Gomez then ground into a force out, erasing Anderson at second base. And then! Gomez accomplished his first steal of the season, nabbing second base on Cabrera. What got into him? Who knows, but it all paid off when JC Linares singled and Gomez scored. 2-0!

Bottom of the second, Atchison pitching. Esteemed shortstop Chase d'Arnaud led off with a single, stole second, and was batted in by Matt Hague. Things got considerably worse when first baseman Jeff Clement hit a home run with Hague on base, pulling ahead of Pawtucket 3-2.

So the Red Sox had some work to do. They put a couple of runners on in the fourth, but Che-Hsuan Lin and Matt Spring failed to deliver. Fifth inning, though, that was the happy spot. Ryan Kalish led off with a single, because he is the favorite son. Jose Iglesias sac bunted Kalish over to second and then Kalish stole third. Lars Anderson then reached on an error, scoring Kalish and tying the game at three.

Still going: Mauro Gomez walked, grounded out. Everyone move up a base! Hey, d'Aranud, you're not so hot after all! Andy LaRoche hit the ball, d'Arnaud fielded it, but was unable to execute a simple throw to first base. Not sure what happened, but it was wacky enough to score both Anderson and Gomez. 5-3!

Clayton Mortensen, Daniel Bard, and Jose De La Torre mixed it up and kept the Indians scoreless the rest of the way.

two things and everything:
1. I just can't do this right now.

7.26.12 Red Sox @ Indians - Meat Pie

Indianapolis reaches out and touches faith, 5-1. Win goes to the wild and woolly Chris Leroux.

Leroux pitched five shutout innings and then split, having thrown 74 pitches, two of which were reportedly 'wild'. He walked one, K'd three, and gave up three hits. So he's at 1-0. Okay, I'll have to figure that out later on.

No! Let's do this right now! Zut alors! I mentioned yesterday that Rudy Owens was supposed to start, but the stupid Houston Astros got all weird about letting their new pitcher start one more game for his old team. Okay, weirdos. So Leroux got the spot start.

PawSox meat unit Tony Pena Jr, who is a carbon-based life form with a circulatory system, occupied space on a pile of dirt and threw a ball toward a dazzling array of hitters. He did not allow a home run, but he gets the loss, which I'm sure he accepted with reasonable grace.

I keep wanting to say 'The Bats', even though Louisville is well behind the PawSox. But it's the Indians, and the Indians put their first two runs up in the third inning. Pena walked Jeff Larish to lead things off. Jeff Larish was on the PawSox for like 60 seconds, but Lars Anderson beat the shit out of him and he headed for the Pirates org. Larish later scored after a pair of singles. And then a second run appeared by way of a sac fly. Jose Tabata was involved.

The Indians commenced the beatings once more in the sixth inning. Tony Pena led things off by hitting Jose Tabata with a pitch. First baseman Matt Hague then singled, Tabata tried for third but was thrown out by JC Linares. But the next batter was big Jeff Clement, the Doubles King of Indianapolis. Clement doubled, scoring Hague. Then Brandon Boggs doubled and Clement scored. Then Garrett Mock rightly took over pitching duties. Mock got the last couple of outs, but what was the point? 4-0.

Indianapolis shortstop Chase d'Arnaud tripled in the seventh inning, which was great because Anderson Hernanderson singled right after that. 5-0. I'm sure Pawtucket's despair was palpable.

The PawSox picked up their sole run in the eighth inning. Jon(athan) Hee led things off with a double. An error allowed Jason Repko to get on base. When Ryan Lavarnway came up, he grounded into a force that scored Hee. Not terribly exciting, but the game isn't all K's and HR's. Sometimes there's SAC and GIDP and HBP.

I suppose that's it. If you wanna read something more in depth, then check out this terrific game story by Nancy Zinni. It's way better than anything I could churn out.

goodbye starling, it's been nice:
1. Jon Hee led the PawSox in the hit department with two. Glorious. Alex Hassan hurt himself by fouling off his shin or something. Reports are sketchy.

2. " His last outing for Indy was great, too. Last two games: 9ip, 4h, 0r, 2bb, 8k. 57 pitches last outing, 74 tonight. He averaged 93.7mph in 2011, can hit 96, and did well as a starter in winter ball. He had the 2nd best xFIP on the team last year (in 25ip of relief, but it’s something). He hasn’t started since his first pro season in ’06, but could we have something with Leroux?" - commenter 'Gregg' on Leroux. (from Bucs Dugout)

3. "HIs problem this offseason was Pirates didn’t want to start him because he hadn’t thrown enough innings the year before and he had no options. He potentially is going to run into the same difficulty this offseason. But he’s expressed his desire to start. If nothing else he comes up Sept. 1 or so and contributes." - more on Leroux, same as before.

4. Here we have the details on Duckworth and Mathis going to Japan. I wondered if those guys were bros and got drunk one night and decided it would be a killer idea to play overseas. Evidently this was not the case, although it's hard to imagine that they independently came up with the idea. They always sat in the stands together.

5. Chris Carpenter pitched a scoreless inning for Pawtucket. For Indianapolis, fans saw Bryan Morris, who says crap like "Marte hit a hr in toledo that went over the scoreboard and out of the stadium. It may have landed at subway 4blocks away!", Jo-Jo Reyes, and Tim Wood.

6. "Il a blanchi ses adversaires des PawSox de Pawtucket durant les cinq manches qu’il a officié au monticule." - Jacques Lancieault. It's in French. Maybe you can read it. I mostly cannot. I did learn how to say 'PawSox' in French, though!

7. "Pawsox roster jam. If they wanna trade Podsednick or Lars, I think the July 31 deadline applies and they hafta go thru waivers after 7-31. If they wanna trade Repko, they can do any time." - Oooh, exciting! (from SoxProspects.com)

8. I cannot tell a lie. I totally read Rick Medeiros' blog. It makes me laugh. Check it out.

TONIGHT! Still in Indiana. How you doing, Steve Hyder? Chris Hernandez starts for Pawtucket. Larga cama Daniel Cabrera goes for the Indians. Oh, Cabrera. Why are the pretty ones always insane?

See ya!

7.25.12 Yesterday was the 25th and the day before that was the 24th.

Oh, whatever. If you want, I'll take a pay cut.

Pawtucket wins, 4-2. Thank you, new people. Win goes to our new starter, Nelson Figueroa.

Figueroa pitched five innings and I really thought it would be more than that. Welcome to the Red Sox org. Okay, not fair, Figueroa tried to go at least six but his faculties dispatched. He gave up two runs on five hits, walked three and struck out four.

Rick VandenHurk was in charge for the Indians and he pitched six innings. VandenHurk gave up four runs, three earned. Eight strikeouts look really pretty, but the L muddies everything.

The Red Sox scored one run per inning through four. A fine row of ones! Top of the first, beloved outfielder Ryan Kalish doubled and stole third. A single by SS Jose Iglesias brought Kalish into the welcoming bosom of the dugout. That's inning one, run one.

Inning Two, Run Two: Scott Podsednik reaches on an error, moves to third after Mike Rivera is hit by a pitch. Sac bunt+error=Podsednik scoring. 2-0.

Inning Three, Run Three: Podsednik sac flies Andy LaRoche home. Ryan Lavarnway pinch hits for Mike Rivera after that, because perhaps Rivera's in pain after the HBP. I'm not sure, but why else would this happen?

Inning Four, Run Four: Nate Spears, solo home run to right. Boogie on, reggae woman! 4-0!

Figueroa came in for the sixth inning, but after giving up two singles and a double without recording an out, Alex Wilson was given the pitching job. Wilson had to wear a hairnet, but he's saving up for a hot rod rocket. Wilson pitched the remainder of the inning and then the seventh. Clayton Mortensen wrangled the eighth inning and the scandalous Jose De La Torre took care of the ninth. Didn't De La Torre get in trouble for something or other? Is he hot or what?

Logan Kensing and Jose Diaz pitched the rest of the game for Indianapolis. Isn't Jose Diaz that wicked fat guy? Yes. I really recommend doing an image search for him. I realize it isn't nice to make fun, but think of it as a baseball freak show. No, think of it as admiring someone's unique form.

de la clothes:
1. Linares went 3-4. :) Mauro Gomez got no hits. :(

2. "The top of the 1st began with a double by CF Ryan Kalish. Kalish’s grounder just inside the first base line looked like it would be an easy play for Clement, who was playing behind first base. But the ball hit the bag and took a huge looping hop up into the air and over Clement, continuing down the right field line. By the time RF Jeff Larish could get to it, Kalish was rolling into second base. Kalish stole third base, and scored on SS Jose Iglesias’ line drive single." - YEAH! Rather good and thorough game story by Nancy Zinni on Pirates Prospects.

3. "Starling Marte had an RBI double in what Pittsburgh hopes was the last minor league game of his career." - Marte is very exciting and was called up. From 'The Mc Effect'.

4. Maureen Mullen takes a look at Pawtucket starters. Evidently, Doug Mathis and Brandon Duckworth have gone to pitch in Japan. This is exactly what happened to Poochie, more or less, so I guess they're dead and won't be returning. The news of their departure has me so distraught that I am going to get drunk tonight. DRUNK!

5. Hyder has a talk with Nelson Figueroa, who is 38. It's good, go read it.

Tonight Tony Pena Jr will try to pick up a win. Rudy Owens was supposed to pitch for the Indians, but he was part of the Wandy Rodriguez deal so no one knows what's gonna happen. The Pirates have gotten me so excited right now I can hardly breathe.

Call me later on, okay?

7.25.12 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Indianapolis Indians - in Your Dreams

Tough game, Pawtucket loses 3-1. Loss goes to Zach Stewart, who tried, damn it!

Stewart pitched five innings and the Indians got all their hits off him. He threw 94 pitches, 56 for strikes. Stewart gave up six hits, three walks, struck out five, and took three baby steps.

Over on the other side, Justin Wilson threw 100-something pitches through five innings. Pawtucket got five hits and walked three times, but no one delivered any clutch hits. I'm disappointed in you, Ryan Kalish. And you as well, Gomez. But mostly Andy LaRoche, who came up twice in the crucial two out, runners in scoring position sitch. And got the final out instead of some opposite field magic or something.

Break it down! Second inning, first baseman Matt Hague led off with a single, followed by a second single by DH Jeff Clement. Zach Stewart then followed that up by walking Yamaico Navarro and Brandon Boggs, which scored Hague. LOL whoops. LOL. A sac fly and a force out brought home two more runs. That's what happens when you load the bases. It's like that old song: 'The purpose of a batter is to load the bases and the purpose of a pitcher is to strike 'em out, come on baby let's play the game of baseball.'

Things were more or less quiet for the next five innings, since no runs were scored. There were some scattered walks and singles, but no triples or anything. Mark Prior pitched a couple of scoreless innings, with the encouraging ghost of Kerry Wood at his stern. Large-all-over reliever Garrett Mock also handled a scoreless frame. The PawSox scored their little run in the eighth inning, by way of an RBI single by right fielder JC Linares. But Daniel McCutcheon got all the outs he needed and Doug Slaten came in for the ninth inning. Slaten got Hassan, Hee, and Kalish to fly out in order. Maybe one of them took him pretty deep and made some people panic. I don't know, I wasn't in Indiana yesterday. I was in Cumberland!

fosupa:
1. Ryan Lavarnway remains sizzling, burning, smoking hot with the bat, going 3-4. Pawtucket had no extra base hits.

2. Zac Vierra writes an extensive, possibly unnecessary story on radiocaster Aaron Goldsmith. Cool, but I'm 100 percent Team Hyder. Always have been. Last night he was ruminating on how far Indiana was from Rhode Island and how strange it was. I TOTALLY GET IT. I would love to talk to Hyder and then write about it. Also, I miss Dan Hoard.

3. Nelson Figueroa is on the PawSox now. It really was only a matter of time.

4. And Jose De La Torre is now on the PawSox, which is also somewhat unsurprising. More surprising is that Duckworth and Mathis are now on the TIL. Let the record show that if they get rid of Duckworth I will lose my mind and start uprooting sycamores and maple trees like an unstoppable tsunamicane. I will burn down the mission. The bullpen, I mean, I'll pour gas all over it and toss trick relighting birthday candles on top of it. My defense in court will simply be: They took Duckworth away.

5. I just found out that the Mets signed Craig Hansen. Yes. I'm trying to comprehend what the hell happened. Is he going to be on the Bisons? They play at Fenway on August 18th, so maybe Craig Hansen will be there. I don't know, it's been long enough where maybe he cleaned up his act. Ugh. I still feel the absolute disgust when hearing his name.

6. "The Indians got all eight of their hits, plus two walks, from their 3-6 hitters, but didn't do a lot with them. Starling Marte went 2-4 with a double, Jeff Clement 2-4, Matt Hague 3-4 and Yamaico 1-2 with two walks." - Good stuff from Bucs Dugout.

Okay, that's all I got. TONIGHT! Nelson Figueroa wastes no time and will start for the Pawtuckets. I need to go back and find some stuff that I said about him. Righty Rick VandenHurk will put it down for the 317. I need to sit and restructure my priorities.

BYE.

7.23.12 Red Sox @ Bats - Billy

Billy Buckner wins, 8-1. Pawtucket wins the series! And they grab first place in the division again!

Buckner pitched seven innings and only gave up one run, unearned. Where did that come from? And Daniel Bard pitched a 1-2-3 eighth? Was there some kind of human sacrifice made? Are we sure Ronald Bermudez is still in Portland?

Starter for the L'Ville Bats was Sean Gallagher. He gave up five runs.

The Bats got the first run of the game in the first inning. Leadoff SS Didi Gregorius singled and later made it home when Denis Phipps grounded into a double play. That's everyone's least favorite way to score a run. Louisville would go on to NOT SCORE for the remainder of the game.

Pawtucket, on the other hand, scored many runs. It started in the third inning, when Scott Podsednik and Jose Iglesias hit back-to-back singles. Sean Gallagher got one more out, then intentionally walked Mauro Gomez to load the bases. In the third inning. Damn, Louisville. Andy LaRoche responded by hitting a two-run single. Alex Hassan followed that up with another single, scoring Gomez. 3-1 Red Sox.

Fifth inning, Gallagher still in. He walked Jose Iglesias. And then, wonderfully, Lars Anderson hit a fly ball to center field that was in a good enough spot for him to wind up at third. A triple! Even better, an RBI triple! Nice work, Anderson! Anderson later scored on a wild pitch, so you can see how shaken Sean Gallagher was. 5-1 Pawtucket.

Bats relievers Carlos Fisher and Travis Webb kept the gooey middle innings nice and scoreless, but then Pawtucket faced Jordan Smith in the ninth. And here's what happened before Smith got one out: Mauro Gomez singled. Andy LaRoche doubled, scoring Gomez. Alex Hassan singled, Mike Rivera hit a ground rule double, scoring LaRoche. Nice output!

Smith got a couple of outs, then finished up by allowing a single to Podsednik, which brought Hassan over. Boom, 8-1. Chris Carpenter pitched the ninth to showcase his versatility and also his ripped physique, gave up a non-glamorous walk but otherwise knocked three guys down. And everyone headed to Indianapolis in a good mood. Except Aaron Goldsmith, who 's terribly grumpy on road trips.

I think what the Louisville Bats need is a big boy bat, like some Mike Hessman type or Val Pascucci, some minor league power hitter. Look how much they respect and fear Mauro Gomez!

two things:
1. "The Bats (38-66) dropped to 28 games below .500 for the first time since 1991 when the Triple-A franchise finished 51-92 for the worst record in team history. They were outhit 16-4 (all singles), and catcher Corky Miller was warming in the bullpen in the ninth in case the margin got worse." - Michael Grant

2. LaRoche and Hassan went 3-4, and yes, they are best friends in real life. In fact, everybody got at least one hit.

3. What the hell is with this picture of Sean Gallagher?

Tonight, it's Indiana. Apolis. Which is right in the middle. Zach Stewart goes for the PawSox, Indianapolis Indians TBA. Could be cool, they are the white-hot Pirates farm team. No, I'm not going.

I love the PawSox and I love pointing out people's mistakes.

McCoy Stadium ranked number nine on this list of the Top Ten Vegetarian-Friendly Minor League Ballparks. While I was typing that, I realized it sounds like a stupid, arcane list, but it means something to some people.

I take a little xception to this. Yes, that's right, xception. Sex-ception, if you're a catalog writer. The one-sentence explanation includes the fact that McCoy serves veggie dogs and veggie burgers. Wow, that's really funny. You almost never can get those.

The truth is, there is only one stand that sells veggie dogs and veggie burgers and I have never seen it open. It could be open on weekends, but I never go to weekend games so I don't know. Why can't they sell that stuff at the other stands? I cannot answer this. All I can say is that I have been unable to buy either a veggie burger or veggie dog this season.

So that being said, this is what's vegetarian friendly: hummus, fruit salad, veggie platter, and salad. It lists green bean straws, but I haven't seen those. In other words, BFD. I was just at the IronPigs park and they had way more choices. Veggie burgers... Grilled, not microwaved like they are at McCoy. Burritos! If I could get a burrito at McCoy Stadium I would spend so much more money.

Then again, you can't go wrong with popcorn or french fries. I can't recommend the little cheese pizzas, which are hot circles of garbage.

7.22.12 Pawtucket @ Louisville - Making It Hard

Oakland A's WIN! 9-3 in twelve innings. The win goes to reliever Clayton Mortensen. Bats reliever Kanekoa Texeira is hooked with the loss.A combined 13 pitchers were used, including at least one position player.

Starting P for Pawtucket was lefty Chris Hernandez, fresh and shiny from Portland. We already love him. By 'we', I mean you and I. You love him. Hernandez pitched six innings and gave up two runs on seven hits. One was a home run, hit in the fourth inning by that Chris Valaika motherfucker.

Louisville's starting pitcher was Georgia Tech's own Tim Gustafson. Gustafson pitched five and 2/3 innings and gave up one run, all while wearing a hat with a bat on it.

You know what the money inning was? The twelfth, in which Pawtucket scored six runs. I'm dying to get into it, or 'dwelve' into it, as Jade might say. But I have to build up to it, otherwise no one will make a movie of my life.

First team to score was the Bats, who possibly have great team chemistry. I mean, who wouldn't want to party with the likes of Corky Miller and Mike Costanzo? Fourth inning, second baseman Valaika's solo home run. What's another word for 'home run'? Tater. Valaika's tater. An RBI single in the fifth put Louisville up 2-0.

Pawtucket didn't answer back until the sixth inning, when Ryan Lavarnway hit an RBI double. The Red Sox loaded the bases right after that, which ended Gustafson's nice evening right quick. Nick Christiani took over and got JC Linares to fly out and end the inning.

Seventh inning, Chris Carpenter pitching for the PawSox. Carpenter gives up a solo home run to CF Denis Phipps, who's been super hot lately. 3-1 Bats.

Eighth inning, Donnie Joseph takes over on the mound after Will Ohman exits. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that Will Ohman pitched. Who would you rather bang: Will Ohman or Will Inman? What about Josh Outman? Point it, Lars Anderson hit a sac fly and made the score 3-2 with his hands.

Ninth inning, big tie, JJ Hoover pitching. It's not that interesting, but Nate Spears hit an RBI single. Che-Hsuan Lin was involved. And an error. Actually, Lin pinch ran for LaRoche, which really paid off. Che-Hsuan Lin can run really fast.

Twelfth inning. We can finally start the big meeting! Kanekoa Texeira was pitching. Lavarnway hit a line drive double to right. YEAH! Lavarnway advanced to third on a wild pitch and Lars Anderson walked. Suddenly, it was time for Josh Judy to pitch and face Super Masher Mauro. Well, you might think that Gomez K'd to make the first out, but you're obviously in the wrong place. PLEASE LEAVE. Gomez hit an RBI single, sucka.

JC LINARES! A passed ball moved the runners up, so Gomez was on second. And being in that position and maybe being less than lightening, Arnie brought in Podsednik to pinch run. Not Scott, the other Podsednik. Linares then doubled to left, scoring Anderson and Podsednik. Still no outs! Jason Repko then singled, and Jonathan Hee doubled, scoring Linares and Repko. And then Nate Spears singled, scoring Hee. I mean, I can't even take it. All those hits with no outs.

Right after Spears' single, Judy got 1-2-3 outs. But that's six runs in the twelfth, which spells an impossible lead. So much so that Jonathan Hee pitched the rest of the game and it was three up, three down. I guess everyone just wanted to go home at that point. No way Willie Harris makes that last out.

When I first met you, you were like a frightened little kitten stuck inside a laundry hamper. Now you are a beautiful swan in a fancy restaurant. Send back the soup, if you do not like it. Order more bread. You are in control:
1. Lavarnway went 4-7 with two doubles. Feels good, doesn't it? Andy LaRoche got no hits, possibly because he was still drunken. Arnie Beyeler made many, many moves in this game because he wanted to win. I like it a lot.

2. Daniel Bard managed to pitch an inning without hitting anyone or throwing a wild pitch or balking or walking anyone or pissing himself. He also struck out no one. That's like, progress or something.

3. So is it Jonathan or Jon Hee? I don't want to get it wrong and hurt someone's feelings. I'll just call him Jonathan Lee.

4. I should probably spend my birthday with Corky Miller

5. "Daniel Bard is throwing strikes with increasing frequency in Pawtucket." - This is some delusional shit right here, almost on par with The Michael Bowden Story.

TONIGHT! Big finale with Louisville. The ever-crappy Billy Buckner goes for Pawtucket. Sean Gallagher runs it for the Batzzzz.


LAVARNWAY!!!

7.21.12 Pawtucket @ Louisville - Rigging Up the Lights

The Louisville Bats win, 4-0. Tony Pena pitched six innings, gave up the quartet of runs and took home the loss.

Todd Redmond started for the Bats. It was a great one: Redmond pitched seven shutout innings, gave up five hits and walked a guy. Redmond also got eight strikeouts.

The Bats scored all their runs in the sixth inning, which is why Tony Pena shouldn't be pitching more than four or five innings. No, that doesn't make any sense. A pitcher like that is pretty much useless as a starter, right? Anyway, shortstop Didi Gregorius, who says crap like "Its funny when ppl lie nd u already know the truth but u still ask them just to c if they r going to be honest by telling u the truth... ", hit a three run homer and then Mike Costanzo hit an RBI double.

Pawtucket put a couple of runners on in the ninth, but Alex Hassan was unable to deliver us from evil, striking out to end the game. Louisville reliever Jordan Smith got that big whiff, so hats off to Jordan Smith.

Mark Prior got a couple of innings of work, jumping in after Pena. If I think about that too long, it makes me feel bad. I mean, it's Mark Prior. He's pitching in relief for the likes of Tony Pena in the minors.

WFNX, no!
1. "Now that Redmond (69-56 with a 3.57 ERA in his pro career) is back in Triple-A he easily becomes the Bats’ best starting pitcher. Last year, he furnished a 2.92 ERA, and two years ago as a member of the Gwinnett Braves he pitched the only no-hitter in Louisville Slugger Field history." - Michael Grant

2. Lars Anderson went 3-4. Mauro Gomez was strangely hitless. Lavarnway struck out three times.

3. Todd Redmond is new to the team, coming atcha from the Braves org. I'd say he's worth a Paul Janish.

4. Chorye Spoone was released.

5. "Valaika and Costanzo aren’t going to be getting a lot of playing time because there are actual prospects on the team now. No future Joey Vottos or anything, but still. Soto, Phipps, Gregorius, Puckett, and Hank-Rod still have more upside than Daryl Jones or Willie Harris." - commenter "All Things Bubba" on Red Reporter.

This afternoon it's more Sox/Bats in Lucky Kentucky. Or Sucky Kentucky, maybe, if you've had a bad experience there. And, very exciting, Chris Hernandez is making his triple-A debut. He'll be opposed by the much less exciting Tim Gustafson. Should be cool.

God, I'm tired.

7.20.12 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Louisville Bats - Vulgar

Pawtucket wins, 9-1. And no home runs! Brandon Duckworth continues to hold steady as a triple-A starter.

Duckworth pitched six innings and allowed no runs on four hits and three walks. All of that took 94 pitches.

Pedro Villarreal got the start for Louisville. Villarreal only lasted four innings. He gave up six runs on nine hits and after 90 pitches, I guess they'd seen enough.

I have nothing more to add about the starting pitchers and we should probably get to those nine runs. THEY DIDN'T JUST SCORE THEMSELVES, DID THEY? Okay, they're not so much runs scored as a series of cute human interest stories, most of them involving Mauro Gomez.

Ryan Kalish! First inning, first batter, Kalish. Kalish doubled. Jose Iglesias and Ryan Lavarnway hit back-to-back singles, scoring Kalish. And then Gomez doubled, scoring Iglesias. And then JC Linares hit a sac fly to score Lavarnway and just like that it was 3-0.

Kalish doubled again in the second inning, but no one batted him in. I would have. I would have tried, at least, and then Kalish would owe me a favor. Third inning, more doubles. Is this a record? No, they had six and the record is eight. At any rate, Pawtucket catcher Ryan Lavarnway reached on an error. Gomez then doubled, putting people on the corners. For Jason Repko, who's all better now. Repko doubled to left, scoring two runs. 5-0!

Top of the fifth, Villarreal walked Repko. Okay, thank you for your time. GET ME REX KRAMER! Enter Travis Webb.

Wait, it looks like Villarreal had an injury. Sorry, Pedro.

Webb gave up a single to Che-Hsuan Lin, which unnerved him so greatly that he threw a wild pitch. Repko scored. Later, infielder Jonathan Hee doubled, scoring Lin. This was Hee's sixth double of the year, which I am having a hard time with. Kalish then singled and Jose Iglesias singled and then it was the night Hee came home (Sorry.) Webb then hit Lavarnway with a pitch to load the bases.

Gomez, with the bases loaded, hit a line drive single to left, scoring Kalish. And Travis Webb? Gone. Carlos Fisher came in and got the last two outs. 9-0.

Seventh inning, Garrett Mock pitching in relief. Mock walked Willie Harris and gave up a single to Chris Valaika. When RF Felix hit a fly ball to left, it was deep enough to score Harris. Because of the hustle. I used to call him Hustlin' Willie Harris when he was on the PawSox and I so loved him. And there's that one run the Bats scored, all thanks to Garrett Mock.

Clayton Mortensen pitched the ninth inning. For Louisville, we also saw Josh Judy and Donnie Joseph. Never trust a guy with two first names, especially if one of them is your aunt's name.

garrett mock likes his boner pants:
1. "The Red Sox, who have one of the best records in the International League, played as if they wanted revenge for the June 22-25 sweep in Pawtucket." - Brett Borden, game story. Includes some cool pictures!

2. Mauro Gomez went 5-5, which I am sure Chris Carter never did. I tried to look it up, but I was blinded by the sloppy, egregious typos on the Pawtucket All-Time Records List site. Is Bill Wanless responsible for this?

3. "After walking Repko to start the fifth, Villarreal appeared to have injured himself and was removed from the game. Bell said they were not sure of the cause of the injury. Villarreal will be evaluated Saturday." - Thanks, Kevin Geary.

4. For the Bats, CF Denis Phipps hit two doubles.

TONIGHT! More Louisville Bats feat. T-Red, Todd Redmond. Pawtucket counters with the delightful Tony Pena. See you tomorrow, or later tonight because I have something angry to share.

7.19.12 Pawtucket Red Sox v Syracuse Chiefs - Erik Arnesen

Pawtucket wins, 4-3. Win goes to Daniel Bard, who pitched the eighth inning in which Pawtucket broke the tie.

Starter for the PawSox was Zach Stewart, who is really much better than Billy Buckner. Stewart threw 99 pitches. The Chiefs hit a solo home run... Okay, specifically it was center fielder Corey Brown who did it in his first at-bat, which was really the first one in the whole ballgame. But after that, Syracuse did not score. Until the seventh inning, when catcher Koyie Hill ("Koyie Hill has a crappy dubstep walkup song.") hit his second home run of the game with Carlos Maldonado on base. Hill would be the last batter Stewart faced.

Tanner Roark was the opposing pitcher. Pawtucket racked up eighth hits off Roark, but only the three runs. First inning, Roark gave up three singles in a row before getting an out, so you saw the bases loaded for Andy LaRoche. LaRoche did not make the first out. Instead, he hit a two-run double, popping a two up on the board for the Red Sox.

JC Linares hit a solo home run in the third inning. 3-1. And then Koyie Hill tied it in the seventh, which I told you about. But Erik Arnesen, Syracuse reliever, was the downfall of the Chiefs when he gave up a solo to hot hot bat JC Linares. I love that guy.

Chris Carpenter pitched the ninth and got the save. Two hours and 43 minutes and done.

two things:
1. Alex Hassan had zero hits. Scott Podsednik was picked off and caught stealing.

2. Peter Gobis helps you get to know Mike Rivera.

3. Here's some generic game recap, which I am only linking to because it's a mess. Doesn't anyone check these things?

4. "Brown led off the game with his 21st home run, which puts him alone in third place in the IL, but he also struck out three times." - Whaddya know, people care about Corey Brown. At least Ben Meyers does. He also spelled Koyie Hill wrong.

5. I see they're back to three umpires. What's going on? I hate being left out of things.

6. After this game, the PawSox went on a team excursion: Namely, a bay cruise. Nothing good, just Narragansett. And all I could wonder was who got the most shitfaced? I have a couple of guesses, based on nothing: Andy LaRoche or Alex Wilson. Although I'm sure Tamburro was there, so you don't wanna get too sloppy with guys like that around.

TONIGHT! Pawtucket's visiting Kentucky! OH WHAT LIKE I DID?! It's Duckworth v Pedro Villareal. OH YEAH I TALKED TO AROLDIS CHAPMAN WHEN I WAS THERE!

BECAUSE HE WAS LIVING AT THE HOTEL I STAYED AT.

I ALSO WENT TO THE ZOO.

WHEN I WENT TO SEE THE LOUISVILLE BATS.

7.17.12 Red Sox v Chiefs - 666

Pawtucket WINS! 8-3 and it is obscenely hot in here and I soaked my head and I am waiting for the delight. Win goes to Doug Mathis, who's most assuredly sleeping in comfort in a much nicer residence than mine.

Mathis pitched six innings and gave up three runs. When was the last time there was a tight PawSox game and not a 8-2 or 7-4 type deal?

Yunesky Maya traipsed through the first four innings, giving up a few scattered hits, but Pawtucket nabbed him in the fifth with an RBI by the King of Sacrifice Flies, Jose Iglesias. This was Pawtucket's first run of the game, bringing the score to 2-1. Yes, they cut the lead in half, but that's such a dumb thing to say about a 2-1 score. It's 2-1, not 8-4 or something. In fact, it's a dumb thing to say all around since it means exactly nothing.

Pawtucket really got their freak on in the sixth inning, when sexy naked boy Ryan Lavarnway led off with a solo home run. LAVARNWAY SHOW US YR TITZ!!! Maya got an out, but he walked the lusty, insatiable Andy LaRoche. Then man-hungry MILF JC Linares singled and slutty Alex Hassan walked to load the bases. Load.

Maya finally was shown the door when Che-Hsuan Lin hit an RBI single, but Hassan Pena was obviously unprepared for the raw, horny power of Nate Spears, who hit a line drive triple to center. It was Spears' second triple of the year and it was good enough to clear the bases. His mom's probably pretty excited about it. Spears didn't stay on third very long, either, because Iglesias batted him in. THERE'S NO 'I' IN 'IGLESIAS'!

What else? Beloved reliever Will Inman pitched the seventh, allowed a run on a wild pitch. In the bottom of the seventh, Pena gave up a slew of singles and then hit Hassan with a pitch, bringing a run across. Chris Carpenter pitched the eighth, to no one's surprise, and Garrett Mock pitched the ninth.

Not bad, huh?

little bit better than i used to be:
1. JC Linares and Nate Spears both went 3-4, but I prefer Linares. SO DOES YOUR MAMA! Although Spears had extra base hits and Linares did not, so perhaps Spears wins this one. And Spears did hit a bases-clearing triple... Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!

2. Scott Podsednik was the sole hitless dude, but I'm sure he has no problems getting laid.

3. "Carpenter came on to pitch a 1-2-3 eighth inning, needing just nine pitches to retire the No. 4, 5 and 6 batters in the Chiefs' order with a pair of strikeouts." - Peter Gobis tackles Chris Carpenter.

4.

(30 hours later)

Whoops! I had no electricity! I HAD TO SLEEP ON AN AIR MATTRESS IN PAWTUCKET!

Bye.

7.16.12 Pawtucket v Syracuse - Carlos Banana

Pawtucket wins, sort of, 8-5. There sure were a lot of home runs. Tony Pena gets his first win, placing him at 1-7 for the season. Ugly.

Pena pitched five scoreless innings. Okay, moving on.

Starting P for Syracuse was lefty John Lannan, or 'Lannana', as it was spelled on the scoreboard. Maybe that's his nickname. Maybe he plays the piana. Lannan pitched okay overall, but the first inning was pretty shaky for him. He got in five innings, went for a sixth but was unable to get anyone out.

Offense! Pawtucket got things going quickly. Che-Hsuan Lin and Lars Anderson hit consecutive singles in the first inning with one out, then Returning Heavyweight Champion Mauro Gomez doubled, scoring Lin. Alex Hassan reached on an error and Anderson scored. And then JC Linares hit an RBI single to make it 3-0. It was a long first inning.

Mauro Gomez's consistent magnificent power produced a solo home run in the bottom of the fifth inning, making it 4-0 at that point.

Sixth inning, Chris Carpenter made his first appearance for the Pawtucket Red Sox. Carpenter walked Jim Negrych, but that was the only incident. In the bottom half, Lannan very kindly allowed Linares to hit a home run and Mike Rivera and Nate Spears to single before being replaced by Pat Lehman. Lehman hit Jonathan Hee with a pitch to load the bases. A sac fly to center scored Mike Rivera and it was 6-0.

Oh, good, it's the Daniel Bard part! Seventh inning. Bard led it off by walking third baseboy Carlos Rivero. Then Brett Carroll and his toothy grin hit a home run to put the Chiefs on the scoreboard at last. Can I just add that Bard threw one wild pitch? Par for the course, right?

Bottom of the seventh, Mitch Atkins on the hill. Mauro Gomez led off with a double. God, he makes it look so ridiculously simple. Lars Anderson must be so jealous. And then I totally thought Mike Rivera was going to make the last out, since he can't really hit much, but he didn't! He hit a home run! I was never so happy to be wrong. 8-2 Red Sox!

Will Latimer was the final gent to pitch for Pawtucket and it's a good thing they had such a big lead. Latimer gave up two home runs in the eighth, including an enormous blast by left fielder Jesus Valdez. Then in the ninth inning, Carlos Maldonado came in to pinch hit for Seth Bynum. First pitch came, Maldonado just nails it... Whoa... Right to center field. One pitch and he just crushes it. I love Carlos Maldonado. I wish he was my friend in real life.

Jim Negrych made the final out, Hyder's post-game dude was Mike Rivera. And it was marvelous.

french exchange students:
1. Jose Iglesias got zero hits. HOWEVER. I ordinarily sit on the first base side, kinda infield, but last night I was up the third base line, kinda outfield. And I had a great view of Iglesias and the way he gets to balls and throws to first. He's got an insane wrist snap, delivering quite a bit of power for such a smallish guy. It's crazy. They should model a robot forearm after him to like, assemble parts and so forth.

2. For some reason, JC Linares took the field a minute after everyone else at the game's onset. Was he in the whiz palace?

3. "Monday saw Carpenter make his sixth rehab appearance out of the bullpen after making the rounds with the Gulf Coast Sox, Greenville and Portland. His velocity resided in the 92-94 mph range as he walked one – a six-pitch sequence that came against the first hitter he faced – and was aided by a double play ball that ended the sixth inning." - McGair

4. Mike Szostak, it's Jim Negrych, not 'Negrynch' as you spelled it twice. Also, it's not 'Igelsias'.

5. Peter Gobis decided to write about Nate Spears, but not to mention his super creepy dirty mustache.

6. Lannan is allegedly going to start for the Nationals on Saturday because they have a double header. The Lannan picture accompanying the story is pretty funny.

Do you like Doug Mathis? Good, he's starting for Pawtucket tonight. He'll be opposed by big ol' Yunesky Maya. And you should totally go.

BYE.

Baby Chris Carter is a wise veteran.

"My life is nothing more than a series of suppressed urges."

7.15.12 Scott Podsednik and Andy LaRoche are the next Jim and Pam.

Pawtucket avoids the sweep, winning 5-4 in 14 innings and it took four and a half hours to get it done. The win goes to Andy LaRoche, which is weird, but not as weird as your mom's face. Let's talk to it!

Starter for Pawtucket was my Dad, Brandon Duckworth. He's not my dad, but he's someone's dad, so in many ways he is a dad to all of us. Especially the Pawtucket clubhouse. I'll bet he misses Randy Williams as much as I do. Duckworth worked his way into the sixth inning, got a couple of outs, and hit the showers. Two runs were charged to BD, including a solo home run by first baseman Adam Loewen. Brau.

Collin McHugh was the Buffalo starter and does he have a girlfriend? I am pretty sure Collin McHugh has a girlfriend. Wait... He has a wife and I know this because I tried to find some shit that he says and instead of a bunch of meathead nonsense I found "You might have an extensive library in which you've read every book. But I had a pantry full of groceries and I ate them all. " Okay. Touche, McHugh. Maybe McHugh resembling a normal human being is the weirdest thing about this game.

Mr. McHugh Smarty Pants pitched six innings and gave up four runs on eight hits. He had two walks and six strikeouts.

Pawtucket scored first, in the second inning. Che-Hsuan Lin tripled, which is awesome, and Nate Spears walked. A groundout brought Lin home, and a single by Podsednik got Spears across. 2-0 Red Sox.

Top of the third, RF Raul Reyes led off the inning with a double and some other stuff went down before Duckworth walked Brad Eamus, bringing Reyes home. 2-1.

The top of the fifth saw Loewen's home run to right field and it must have been so hot out there. TIE GAME!

Except in the bottom of the sixth, Alex Hassan singled with two outs. It's listed as a pop up to first base, so I don't really understand what happened. JC Linares followed that up with a single to put the guys on the corners, and then Lin hit a two-run double. Lin is usually not terribly interesting, but this was obviously a good game for him. 4-2 Pawtucket!

Except. Seventh inning, Canadian Jason Bay led off with a single. Thanks for everything, Jason Bay, especially the leftover macaroni salad. And then possibly the world's most well-traveled baseball player Valentino Pascucci hit a home run. Why hasn't the world recognized the Life and Times of Val Pascucci? Because when they look at him, they don't see what I see. Tie game, you whores. Not only that, but third base umpire Chris Conroy (cutest IL umpire, if you ask me) ejected Arnie Beyeler.

And then eternity began to unravel, as a metal sphere ten times the size of Jupiter floated just a few yards past McCoy Stadium. Manny Acosta pitched. Alex Wilson pitched. Fernando Cabrera pitched and he's so hot and I want him autonomy. Daniel Bard pitched and Mark Prior. And Elvin Ramirez. Clayton Mortensen was there. Fred Lewis entered the game. Lars Anderson was intentionally walked. Dylan Owen pitched. And then there you are in the fourteenth inning on a Sunday afternoon and most of you had to go because you were helming a cookout of some sort. But Andy LaRoche did the Trent Durrington thing and pitched and gave up a single and threw a wild pitch but got everyone out in the end.

Nate Spears hit a walk-off home run in the fourteenth inning, which must have been a cool breeze over hot asphalt. Good work, you sicko.

you climb on your roof:
1. Podsednik went 4-6. Do you know that I have not seen Podsednik play for Pawtucket yet? THIS ENDS NOW.

2. Ryan Lavarnway got zero hits, but he has his books and his poetry to protect him.

3. Steve Sypa talks about it.

4. I just love this killer story on Pascucci by Matthew Coller! I'm going to start a paper route right now!

5. Charles Pierce went to McCoy Stadium and tried to figure out Daniel Bard. As in, yesterday he did that.

6. In case you didn't know, Pascucci won the Triple-A Home Run Derby. And Glenn Liebman totally agrees with me about Pascucci.

7. "LaRoche silenced the doubters with his first few pitches, hitting 85, 88 and then 92 on the stadium radar gun as he induced Bison second baseman Brad Emaus into a groundout. Buffalo's Matt Tuiasosopo did catch up to a fastball and send it back up the middle for a single. But then LaRoche got a tailor-made doubleplay ball down to first base out of Josh Rodriguez. The only problem was that the unexpected pitcher forgot to cover first, so even with Pawtucket's Lars Anderson making a great scoop and relay to second, they only got the one out. Perhaps thinking about that, LaRoche uncorked a wild pitch to Buffalo's Rob Johnson, before settling down and retiring him on an infield popup." - Jay Miller, who is new to me but you should read this! I really liked it!

TONIGHT! Tony Pena Jr and his gross mustache will face hotballer John Lannan, Nationals malcontent. So I guess the PawSox are allowed to have facial hair now? That was not always the case. Maybe it was a Theo thing. At any rate, the whole clean-shaven rule mystifies me.

There's also a food drive, so bring some food. Like peanut butter or something.

7.14.12 Buffalo strikes again, Pawtucket knows how Joan of Arc felt.

8-2 Bisons in a game much like the other two games in this series. There were better days at the ballpark when Pawtucket had Ciriaco and Gomez. And now here's Ryan Dent.

Starter for Pawtucket was Zach Stewart, who had a rough go of it, but he's still the one that turns my head. Stewart got into the fourth inning a little bit, got one out, then picture someone doing the throat-slash gesture with their finger across their neck. Garrett Mock pitched after that.

Yeah. Adam Loewen got three hits, Zach Lutz hit a home run. Jason Bay was there. Dylan Owen took the win home for Buffalo.

JC Linares hit a two-run homer for the PawSox sole mark on the board. Carl Crawford had a couple of hits, not that anyone batted him in.

Jose Iglesias hit a double, so that was good. Will Inman pitched three innings. After the game, the bullpen collectively said, "We are but your children, finding our way around indecision."

Skipping to the end...


the end:
1. You spelled Rich Sauveur wrong.

2. Mauro Gomez was not in this game, but he is back in Pawtucket.

Tonight it's Brandon Duckworth v Collin McHugh as the Bisons go for the sweep. DON'T MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM, BRANDON!

7.13.12 Pawtucket Red Sox v Buffalo Bisons - What You Are Not

Another loss for Pawtucket, 8-2 yesterday. Sorry I didn't finish my work yesterday, too. Loss goes to Billy Buckner, who gave up three home runs. Ah, Billy: Will you ever win?

Buckner pitched for six innings. That is a fact. He stood on a raised surface and threw a ball toward a dude with a wooden stick. Buckner got five strikeouts, which is a positive thing, but he also walked four batters and gave up six runs, all of them in a sixth-inning clump. Looks like someone was left out a little too long. That's great, because we really needed another Five Inning Freddy on the PawSox.

The hard-throwing Jeurys Familia started for the Bisons. Familia went 6 1/3 and struck out six. Familia allowed no runs. Maybe he could have stayed in, who knows. And I just noticed that this game is very similar to the preceding PAW/BUF matchup. Coño.

The first runs came in the fifth inning, and they came for Buffalo. Buckner walked catcher Rob Johnson and then LF Fred Lewis hit a home run. 2-0 Bisons.

Buffalo bum rushed Buckner in the sixth, everything going down after two outs. You were so close, Billy. Buckner walked CF Matt Den Dekker, Josh Satin went yard. Val Pascucci walked, RF Matt Tuiasosopo went yard. Oh my goodness, such manly manly brawn! 6-0 Buffalo.

Junichi Tazawa pitched the seventh inning and struck all the guys out. One, two, three strikeouts. Fuck yeah, Tazawa. Daniel Bard was responsible for the eighth inning and I'm thrilled to report: K, BB, WP, BB, WP, groundout scoring Satin, pop out. Oh, sure, only one run scored, but Bard's still all fucked up. 22 pitches, 10 strikes. Bard's one of those players I Just Don't Like.

Pawtucket finally scored their first run in the eighth when JC Linares hit an RBI single. Buffalo greedily grabbed another run in the top of the ninth when faced with Mark Prior, and the Red Sox tried to come back a little bit in the last frame. Elvin Ramirez was trying to finish things off, but he walked Mike Rivera... Wait, Ryan Lavarnway was the starting catcher in this game. So something happened with Lavarnway and all I know is that the Mets need a catcher wicked bad.

Elvin Ramirez walked Rivera and then Nate Spears doubled. Not a good sign when you allow that to happen. Ramirez hit Jonathan Hee with a pitch, another bad moon risin'. Carl Crawford grounded into a force, scoring Rivera. But then Lavarnway flew out to end the game. Oh, whoops, there's Lavarnway. Rivera subbed in for Jose Iglesias. Yes, the veteran catcher played shortstop.

No, that's not what happened. Read a book for once, god.

don't imagine you're too Familia:
1. Lars Anderson doubled twice in this game. Nate Spears got two hits, so here's to an end to his ugly slump.

2. Podsednik, Ryan Kalish, and Carl Crawford all stole bases off the Familia/Johnson combo. Fine work, gentlemen.

3. What really happened is that Mike Rivera played third base and Spears went over to second and Hee went over to short, so what we are really left wondering is what happened to Jose I?

4. "The Bisons busted out the lumber, with Fred Lewis homering twice (three RBI), Josh Satin adding a two run shot, and Matt Tuiasasopo adding a two run bomb of his own (three RBI on the night). Lewis’ second shot came off of Mark Prior. Yes, Mark Prior. That makes me feel sad." - Peter Duffy, The Real Dirty Mets.

5. "[Anderson] has not been hitting as of late, slugging just .263 in June, and it's dragged his numbers, which were slowly becoming respectable, down to very 2011-esque levels. Maybe a change of scenery can rejuvenate him, in an organization where he'll be able to have a chance. Or maybe this is just who Lars Anderson is. Either way, both parties are likely better off heading in separate directions by the end of the month." - I think that would be best. (Over the Monster)

6. Jeurys Familia loves bachata. And Maude loves Harold.

TONIGHT!!! Our lord and savior Zach Stewart will tackle Chris Schwinden. They're just kids, they don't know they're supposed to be enemies. I smell a win!

Bye!

7.12.12 It's great to be back in this depressing city.

Buffalo wins, 8-5. Carl Crawford was there, Ryan Kalish is back in Pawtucket for some reason, Scott Podsednik is on the PawSox, and we don't have Gomez or Ciriaco. And it was Everybody Gets a Chance to Pitch Day! Hope your ASB was thrilling.

Doug Mathis, you remember him. Very nice man. Can't dance for shit. Mathis pitched 4 2/3 innings, giving up four runs on nine hits and three walks. Mathis gave up a home run to LF Fred Lewis.

Geez, I hope the rest of this isn't as dull. Jeremy Guthrie... No, Hefner... got the start for Buffalo. Hefner pitched 4 1/3 and gave up four runs on eight hits. I doubt you noticed, but there were 21 hits between the two teams and neither starter got a decision. Yes, it was one of those games.

It all started back in 1976, the Bicentennial. People were using colored pencils to fill in Patriotic posters... And then one day in 2012, Josh Satin walked with one out in the top of the second. And then Mathis walked the hulking Val Pascucci. And then RF Matt Tuiasosopo singled to load the bases. But nothing happened, sorry.

Third inning, that's where my time-traveling spaceship was supposed to land. Mathis gave up back-to-back singles with no outs and someone grounded out, which scored the guy on third. I cannot be more specific than that. Zach Lutz also singled and it was 2-0.

Bottom of the third, the Red Sox picked up a run after three consecutive singles. Kalish gets the RBI. Fourth inning, the Bisons pulled ahead 3-1 by way of the solo home run (Lewis).

FIFTH INNING! Center fielder Matt Den Dekker singled with two outs, stole second base. A soft, nearly flaccid single by first base... Sorry, second baseman Josh Satin gave Buffalo a fourth run. Val Pasucucci doubled right after that, which knocked Mathis out of the game. Alex Wilson stepped in and got the final out.

Pawtucket got everyone's hopes up in the bottom of the fifth. Outfielders Che-Hsuan Lin and Carl Crawford hit back-to-back singles to lead it off. Good work, you guys. Kalish struck out, but Lavarnway hit an RBI double. Exit the warrior, enter Jenrry Mejia. Mejia gave up consecutive RBI singles (Anderson, Hee) but then stapled down the last couple of outs. Whatever, the PawSox were up 5-4.

Garrett Olson pitched after Mejia, went three innings like a champ, allowed no further Pawtucket runs. Alex Wilson hung in there as well, pitching two scoreless. But everything flew wildly apart in the top of the ninth. Clayton Mortensen was pitching in relief. Mortensen got the first two outs, but then Den Dekker reached on an error by the first baseman. After a walk issued to Josh Satin, Mortensen was removed via airlift in favor of Garrett Mock. In theory, that sounds great. Except in fact is was like the Hindenburg. Mock walked four batters in a row. He threw 23 pitches, but only 7 were strikes. WTF. Three runs scored.

And then Tony Pena came in. Bisons shortstop Josh Rodriguez hit an RBI single for the fourth run in the inning. Yeah, that'll do it.

Fernando Cabrera closed the game out for Buffalo in the ninth. Cabrera is why the sea is boiling hot. I can't believe I missed it. Have I made it clear enough that I can't get enough Fernando Cabrera? That he appears like an angel? That he's my frozen fire? That there was something in the air that night? That I go crazy when I look in his eyes? That it's been him right down the line? That it's the woman in him that brings out the man in me? Wait... That's not quite right...

What I am trying to say is that I want to take his clothes off.

two things:
1. Nate Spears got zero hits and struck out twice. Somebody needs a hug.

2. Here's a story on Carl Crawford. It's totally his fault that Boston gave him a lot of money and also Crawford injured himself on purpose. Crawford also tried to microwave his own nuts so he'd be sterile. So, yeah, boo this guy who is intentionally not hitting just to be a lazy entitled jerk. All that stuff he did with Tampa? BOGUS. IT WAS A TRICK!

3. Sean Kenny! "Player Of The Game: Josh Satin, 2-for-2 with three walks and an RBI. Satin performs like this consistently, but the issue has always been lack of a true defensive position and propensity for the strikeout."

Would you guys be wicked mad if I left right now? Something's come up and I have to go. Maybe I'll finish tomorrow... I have some snaps of Fernando Cabrera if you're interested.

Bowling with the PawSox

This past May I went bowling with the PawSox to strike out cancer. That was nice. My assigned player was very nice, cordial, and appeared to be pretty stoned. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The worst thing about the bowling is that the alley has a one-drink-at-a-time thing. And there was only ONE G.D. BARTENDER!!! And there's a bar and there's also a window from which you can order drinks. So the sole bartender had to run the bar and the drink window. For like, an entire baseball team plus some season ticket holders and staff members and interns and whoever else may have been bowling that night. AND IT TAKES AN ETERNITY TO GET YOUR ONE LITTLE DRINK.

And while you're waiting for your ONE DRINK (No pitchers after five p.m.!), everyone else on your team is waiting for you so you can hurry up and fucking throw your ball down the lane. The whole thing sucks and if I go next year I am bringing a two-liter bottle of ginger ale mixed with whiskey. Period.

I know what you're thinking: Do you really need to drink that badly? Well, let me tell you, why don't you try doing PawSox bowling alcohol-free? I hope you have to bowl with one of the mascots!

Please enjoy a series of photos I have taken over the years. Many I have posted before, but some are ***EXCLUSIVE*** from my private vaults.

Except the Alice Cooper girls. Isn't that the greatest picture? I just had to have it.

Philip Humber in Rochester

Travis Denker, Norfolk

Garrett Jones was always the most handsomest

and they tried to make Brandon Moss play first base :(

Darnell McDonald

Aaron Bates once was young like you

how i loved Bobby Scales

rough outing for Breslow