8.27.12 Red Sox @ Braves - Today is a birthday, they're smoking cigars

Good job, Red Sox! Winning 3-1? Tremendous. Nelson Figueroa gets the win, pitching 7 and a third innings and using 99 pitches.

Figueroa gave up one run on three hits. The run came about in the eighth inning, when Figueroa was down and out, feeling small. Center fielder and cowboy Luis Durango singled with one out and that was the end of Figueroa's night. Rich Hill stepped out from behind the curtain and was great, as usual. Hill got three outs all told, and then Chris Carpenter finished everything off by squirting hot, nasty pitches at Gwinnett.

Starter for the G-Braves was Yohan Flande, except it was Jair Jurrjens, who's essentially the same guy. KIDDING. If you've ever played fantasy baseball in your life, you've had Jurrjens on your team, but you always hold off on trading him because you never know and he never does that great but for some reason you wind up keeping him. Jurrjens only pitched two innings, but got the loss because he gave up a two-run homer to catcher Dan Butler.

Pawtucket scored their third run off reliever Daniel Rodriguez in the fourth inning. It was unearned. Tony Thomas had walked for a second time, then moved to second on a bum pickoff attempt. Another pickoff attempt that went awry landed Thomas on third, and then he scored when Dan Butler hit a sac fly. So Mr Rodriguez' ERA was unblemished, but he disappointed his entire team and perhaps his grandparents.

vanessa and phil:
1. Jeremy Hazelbaker came and DH'd in this game, but didn't get a hit and struck out twice. Che-Hsuan Lin is back. Kalish called up.

2. Josh Kroeger drove in the only run for Gwinnett, in the seventh inning. Ernesto Mejia moved up two bases on wild pitches to Kroger, who then singled Mejia in. Kroeger must have been pretty pleased with himself, since he obviously hated Pawtucket and everything it stood for. Maybe. I heard. Hey, you wanna get called up? Play better.

3. Jurrjens was rehabbing but hadn't pitched in eleven days. Recently he was hospitalized for dehydration, which is baseball code for 'alcohol poisoning'.

4. "Daniel Rodriguez, a 27 year old lefty who was 11-5 with a 2.54 ERA, a 1.26 WHIP, and a league leading 135 strikeouts in 117 innings for Salito in the Mexican League this season, made his Braves debut, which was also his US professional debut, and he struck out 3 over 3 hitless innings." - from Talking Chop, the Braves blog of record.

Tonight's game is being played at 2:05 due to impending hurricane doom. Zach Stewart will try to take down the mighty... Um, who was it? Lefty Sean Gilmartin, yeah. And now Lehigh Valley's a game and a half behind Pawtucket for the wild card. Pawtucket's only one game behind the Yankees in the division, so anything could happen.

GO TEAM GO. RAWWWR.

8.26.12 Pawtucket @ Charlotte - The New Ivan

Way to gun down base stealers, Phegley. But Red Sox win 5-4 with some ninth inning excitement and a triple by Nate Spears and many other hits that were not triples.

Starting P for Pawtucket was Chris Hernandez, everyone's new favorite starting pitcher for Pawtucket that strikes people out and gets ground ball outs and doesn't borrow soap and never give it back. And he's more famous than J-Lo probably. H'dez pitched six innings and gave up two runs on four hits. He also struck out six of the Knights, so that's pretty satisfying.

The Other Guy was Herman Munster or Edna Babish. No, it was Charles Shirek, and I'm a dope for not knowing who he is. That might be because if internet search results are any indication, no one really cares about this kid from North Dakota. Shirek also pitched six innings and gave up two runs, so essentially the same start as Hernandez with a couple of minor variations that made it less good.

Okay, so, nobody scored until the fourth inning, which is about when you're 2-3 beers deep and have that warm feeling of general well-being and comfort and joy and the scoring of the game's first run is pure delight. And then you start talking about how you and all your friends should take a train down to Atlanta for their OctoberFest. Nate Spears led off with a triple, I guess finally beating the dearly departed Lars Anderson in that category. A sac fly by Ryan Kalish brought Spears home and resulted in 1-0 Pawtucket. YOU NEED TO BE DOING A LOT MORE THAN THAT, KALISH.

The new kid, Ivan De Jesus, hit a single with one out in the top of the sixth. IDJ played second base, so in that respect he is similar to the original Ivan. Ivan Ochoa, remember him? De Jesus moved to second on a bunt by the Sacrifice King of Pawtucket, then scored on a single by Tony Thomas, who is built like a brick shithouse. UN-DER-PANTS! UN-DER-PANTS!

Bottom of the sixth, though, the Charlotte Knights tied it. Two singles, a wild pitch, and two sac flies mixed up to produce two runs. Like flour and water and baking soda make biscuits. The Knights then pulled ahead in the seventh, taking Daniel Bard for a ride with a couple of singles and a sac bunt. Oh no, 3-2!

Relax. Eighth inning, Anthony Carter pitching his second relief inning. Carter struck out Triple Boy, but De Jesus singled again and then Kalish singled and then Thomas singled AND THEN DANNY VALENCIA SINGLED AND THEN SHAWN WOOTEN SINGLED. 5-3 Red Sox!

Ninth inning, Jose De La Torre trying to close it out. De La got one out, but then gave up back-to-back doubles to Jared Mitchell and Josh Phegley. Potholes in his lawn. De La Torre went on to strike out Drew Garcia, but was then replaced by Josh Fields, who may be almost as vain as Jeremy Kehrt or Barry Zito. He keeps a mirror in his mitt, is what I am saying. Tommy Manzella (?) came in to pinch-run for Mitchell, which turned out to be a disaster because when Greg Golson singled and Manzella ran home, Dan Butler was sitting there waiting for him, having received the ball from Tony Thomas in left. D'oh! PawSox win!

but madame!
1. Catcher Dan Butler got zero hits and struck out three times. Charlotte catcher Josh Phegley went 2-3 with an RBI and has no spleen. Now we see who the real winner is. It's Butler, because at least he still has a spleen.

2. This was Dog Day at the park, so dogs that are fans of minor league baseball can at last enjoy a game. Wait, what? No, it was really just a shit parade of annoying dog owners.

3. So I guess Josh Fields is the closer now.

Well, no one else saw fit to write about this game, so I have nothing more for you. Except that everyone's so shocked that Matsuzaka pitched well and that Pedro Ciriaco is talented. People sometimes have their heads so far up their fucking asses. Y U NOT ON TOP TEN PROSPECT LIST?!

TONIGHT! Pawtucket goes down to Georgia, looking for a game to steal (Sorry.) Nelson Figueroa will face Yohan Flande, like the cover of H2O.

Soon....

8.25.12 Pawtucket @ Charlotte - Where would we be without friends?

Red Sox win, 4-3. Everybody's gone, too - Gomez, Ciriaco, Iglesias, Lin, Lavarnway, Tazawa... Such a drag. This game took three hours and twenty minutes, for some reason. Possibly because Knights starter Scott Carroll threw 101 pitches through five innings with nine K's. So Pawtucket ran deep counts and then struck out a lot. That is dumb baseball. But they won, so what do I know?

Starter for Pawtucket was Buckner, who gave up three runs through seven and a third innings. Third baseman Brent Morel hit a home run off Buckner in the fifth inning. This greatly affected Buckner's ability to achieve arousal later that night, which is no big deal because it happens to everybody.

Scott Carroll, whose 101 pitch repertoire last night included a balk and a couple of Pawtucket stolen bases, gave up three runs through five innings. Reliever Shane Lindsay came in for the sixth inning but could not record an out so they removed him.

So let me tell you what else happened. In the second inning, Ronald Bermudez reached on an error. Mike Rivera singled, shoving Ronny B over to third. And then when Nate Spears reached on a fielder's choice, Bermudez scored. 1-0.

In the third inning, Ryan Kalish led off with a single and slipped over to second on what was probably a failed pickoff job. Who cares, right, because Tony Thomas hit a home run anyway. Good use of all those muscles, Tony. GET IN THE WHIRLPOOL!!!

Charlotte picked up a pair of runs in the fifth, which was the Morel home run. Top of the sixth, Lindsay walked Jason Repko and allowed a single to vet catcher Mike Rivera and then threw a wild pitch which allowed Repko to cross home and then walked Ryan Dent and then got the hook. 4-2 Pawtucket!

Charlotte picked up their third run in the eighth, before Buckner was replaced by Alex Wilson. Wilson worked for most of the remainder of the game, but Josh Fields came in to get the final out. That's because Wilson loaded the bases with walks. Alex Wilson has been no thrill with Pawtucket and I don't care what he accomplished in Double-A. SHOW ME THE MONEY.

I can't really do much more, because I am participating in a tournament this afternoon in Warwick. Sorry, but I'll be back tomorrow.

IDAWAHIO!!!!

8.24.12 Pawtucket @ Charlotte - To be under the gun, on the run, having fun.

Charlotte White Sox win, of course, 2-1. Loss goes to Steven Wright, who did nothing more than give up two runs through four innings. Only one was earned. Shit happens.

Wright's pecadillo came in the first inning. Center fielder Greg Golson led off with a single. Wright struck out the next two batters, but then hit DH Dan Johnson with a pitch. I don't know, Johnson probably had it coming. A passed ball moved both runners up, and then this Jose Lopez character hit a two-run single. And that was all the scoring for the Knights. Four Pawtucket bullpen guys (Pedro Beato, Rich Hill, Daniel Bard and Jose De La Torre) smushed the Charlotte batters down. Beato struck out all three guys he faced and Hill got a pair of strikeouts.

Starter for Charlotte was Matt Zaleski, who we've absolutely seen before. Zaleski pitched six and gave up the Red Sox run. Stellar relief was provided by Leyson Septimo, Daniel Moskas, and Jhan Marinez. Moskas I remember, those other two guys... Well, I am looking forward to getting to know them and eventually declaring my love for them. And then we'll live on a boat, we three, and hunt sharks. Like the movie "La Tintorera".

In case you wanted to know how Pawtucket scored their one run, it was back-to-back doubles by Tony Thomas and Dan Butler. You guys, Tony Thomas is fucking huge.

And with this win, the Knights are going to the playoffs! Do you think anyone cares down there?

two things:
1. "Jubilant Knights players whooped and hollered inside the locker room and quaffed iced-down beer and champagne as Charlotte advanced to the playoffs for the first time since 2006." - Jack Horan. See, whenever I think I may feel bad for a baseball player, I remind myself that I have never doused myself in champagne at work.

2. "Leyson Septimo, on a rehab assignment for the parent White Sox, Daniel Moskos and Jhan Martinez each worked a scoreless inning in relief protecting a narrow one-run advantage through the crucial innings. Martinez went 1-2-3 in the ninth for his fourth save." - Ted Fleming

3. Steven Wright, who I totally forgot was a knuckleballer, hit Dan Johnson twice. And Bard hit Conor Jackson. Many owees for Charlotte.

4. Ryan Kalish got no hits and struck out twice. Kalish is certainly struggling lately, perhaps due to his atrocious dubstep at-bat song. It sounds like someone firing up their dial-up internet.

5. Thursday's Pawtucket/Charlotte game was also a 2-1 loss. So that's the Knights, the Indians, and the Yankees going to the playoffs with Lehigh Valley and Pawtucket tied for the wild card. OH YEAH HERE WE GO.

TONIGHT! Billy Butthole will face Charlotte's Scott Carroll. I can't go, mostly because it's in South Carolina and I am here in Central Falls. After that, who knows?

Bye!

Read more here: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2012/08/24/3476967/knights-victorious-clinch-playoff.html#storylink=cpy

8.20.12 Pawtucket Red Sox v Rochester Red Wings - sleep

Rochester beats up on Pawtucket pitchers and wins 9-6. Wilkin Ramirez, long left fielder, sealed the deal with a grand slam in the third.

Starter for Pawtucket was Nelson Figueroa, who gave up eight runs in his 2 2/3 innings of work, including a pair of home runs. Only seven runs were earned, if that's any consolation. Figueroa, I shouldn't have to tell you, was the losing pitcher for this match.

Esmerling Vasquez handled things on the other side, pitching six innings and keeping Pawtucket to two runs. Both of those runs were solo home runs: rehabbing Daniel Nava and muscle-bound Tony Thomas. Seventh inning reliever Daniel Turpen gave up three runs to Pawtucket, who maybe almost kind of looked like they could come back. But no. No, they could not. Anthony Slama ensured that.

Pawtucket relievers Tony Pena, Rich Hill, and Daniel Bard maintained scorelessness through 5 1/3 innings. Rich Hill pitched great, looked comfortable. Hill's inning took eight little pitches. Alex Wilson's ninth inning was kind of a typical Wilson thing, a couple of hits and a run. Some hard hit balls made it to the outfield, but Lin and Bermudez made some good catches to save Wilson's bacon.

I don't ordinarily do games out of sequence, but Tuesday morning was rough and I just needed that extra hour of sleep. You understand.

two things:
1. Nate Spears went 3-4 with a triple. Andy LaRoche doubled and was HBP.

2. Nice baserunning, boys: Ryan Kalish was picked off and Jason Repko was caught stealing. Kalish's pants could have been part of the problem, as they were crazy snug and form-fitting.

3. Woonsocket/Pawtucket paper on Rich Hill, Iglesias.

TONIGHT! Pawtucket begins their last road trip, heading for Charlotte. Zach Stewart will go up against Charles Leesman. Sounds Soxy.

8.21.12 This guy on the PawSox, Matsuzaka.

Red Sox win, 3-0, behind a performance by Daisuke Matsuzaka that made for a great night at the ballpark. Matsuzaka gets the win, everybody whistles in the shower.

DM pitched seven scoreless, one-hit innings with seven strikeouts. He entered the eighth inning, much to the crowd's delight, but after throwing eight straight balls it was time to go home. Best start all summer for Pawtucket? For me, yes it was. I just had so much fun and it was a total PBE. The fans got into it, Matsuzaka flipped his ball up to a kid in the stands upon his exit as most of the crowd got on their feet to applaud. He just seemed so relaxed and like he was having a good time. YAY BASEBALL! Sometimes it can still make me happy.

The Rochester Red Wings offered up Pedro Hernandez. Hernandez pitched 2 1/3 innings before somehow hurting himself. I'm pretty sure I saw a trainer out there. At least, some dude in khakis and a polo shirt as opposed to a regular uniform. Hernandez had given up a solo home run to Nate Spears in the first inning. Hernandez was replaced by Deolis Guerra, who is terrifyingly enormous. Guerra was doing fine until the fifth inning, when Ronald Bermudez hit a triple and then scored on an error. Just like last night, except that was Spears. Lin scored on that triple, bringing things up to 3-0.

Josh Fields came into the game to "close the door", as Nate Spears stated post-game. Fields was like, straight atomic heat, striking out four batters in two innings. Oh, your hair is beautiful... Tonight.

two things:
1. Attendance last night was 9,412, which is really good for McCoy. There was a wave going! It was a large crowd for a random Tuesday night.

2. Tony Thomas hit a double. Tony Thomas is just crazy jacked, you should see it. He is huge. I would pay to see him in his underpants, just as an appreciation of the human form. Nothing weird.

3. Rochester second baseman Eduardo Escobar was the only Wing to get a hit. Nice job again, Daisuke Matsuzaka.

4. Wow! Terrific stuff from Marc Normandin on Matsuzaka: "It's unknown if Boston wants to see him in September to see if he is worth retaining on the cheap as pitching depth, but, if he's healthy for the first time in years thanks to Tommy John surgery, it might be worth exploring. Your first inclination might be to say no, but again, if we're talking about what Dice-K might do against the disappointment Aaron Cook has already levied against us, at a time in the season where Boston's goal is to discover things that could help the 2013 club, then there's no real harm in finding out -- it's not going to take innings away from any potential 2013 starters sitting at Pawtucket." - Over the Monster. I love this because sometimes I think people are so clouded with Daisuke Disgust that they don't think objectively. I mean, what if he was just some guy on the PawSox? Mike A. Casanova?

5. Who was the dude in the Pawtucket press box with the Buffalo Bill look? No, seriously.

I guess that's it. I thought there would be more buzz about this game, but I suppose You Had To Be There.

Off day for Pawtucket. Nate Spears is going to relax and maybe go see a movie. Tomorrow the team heads to Charlotte, which is secretly in South Carolina. I can't wait.

8.19.12 Pawtucket Red Sox v Buffalo Bisons (NYM) - Goodbye

4-1 Red Sox. Big crowd at this game, which was over three hours long. HUH WHY. I'll give you a hint: Buffalo starter Jeurys Familia pitched five innings and it took him 90-something pitches. He walked five batters. Billy Buckner threw 101 pitches through six innings, walking three. So blame all the pitching finery, frippery, and fanciness.

Buckner gave up one run, which was a solo homer by third baseman Zach Lutz. K. That was the fourth inning. Buckner got the win and maybe last week I would have wished a painful death upon him, but I am officially Over It and I gotta get back to hating Kris Johnson and so forth.

Familia took the loss for Buffalo and gave up three of Pawtucket's four runs. It all began in the third inning... Tony Thomas, who played left field again, singled to lead things off. And then Nate Spears walked. Oh, Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate. Sorry, I just realized that Spears has been around a while and I know absolutely nothing about him. Maybe he's a poet? RACK CITY, BITCH!

And then Jose Iglesias did something awesome: He bunted. Ever since poster night, I have maternal feelings toward Iglesias. Which is weird and I am sorry I told you, but there you go. I think he is neat. Familia made a throwing error and Thomas scored and Iglesias made it second and SOMETHING'S HAPPENING. Familia then walked Daniel Nava. Forgot to tell you that Nava's in Pawtucket, rehabbing. JC Linares grounded into a double play, scoring Spears to make it 2-0, but then Andy L. struck out to end it all.

In the fifth inning, Familia walked in a run. I just realized that I might be the only person who reads the game recaps so intently on the minor league site.

Bottom of the eighth, Garrett Olson pitching for the Bisons. Jonathan Hee hit an RBI single. Some of these guys are pretty good. Anyway, that's the fourth run so thus ends my offensive summary.

Pedro Beato made his pitching debut for Pawtucket, Will Inman also pitched. Will Inman is from like Texas or something, you should hear his crazy accent. Buffalo's bullpen provided us with Jeff Stevens and Justin Hampson, before Olson came out and was overmatched by Jonathan Freaking Hee.

hurts so good:
1. Jose Iglesias went 3-3. Ronald Bermudez jumped in after Nava, but didn't really contribute anything. What's even worse is that he ate the last banana. Nate Spears walked three times. I'd hit it.

2."[Familia] did not pitch particularly poorly, but he pitched worse than his box score looks (and that’s factoring in the 5 BBs). He threw a ton of balls and worked his pitch count up real early real fast, hence only going 5 IP. The offense didn’t do him any favors, committing two errors and scattering only 5 hits. The Bisons’ solitary run came in the 4^th, on a Zach Lutz home run. Former Bison/Met and newly acquired Red Sox Pedro Beato got the save for his new club, sticking it to his former." - Which is what I said earlier. Amazin' Avenue also spelled 'Pawtucket' wrong.

3. "Hey everybody! My name is Nate Spears and I play infield in the Chicago Cubs organization." - Oh. Hi.

4. Sorry, Bermudez stole a base.

Here's the thing: Buffalo will no longer be the home of the Mets, evidently because the park wants a team that doesn't suck so much. I had no idea that was a factor. So if the PawSox had a string of bad seasons, would McCoy Stadium offer itself to, say, the Yankees? THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. And so we shall welcome back the Blue Jays, who used to be the Syracuse Sky Chiefs. And the Ottawa Lynx also existed. And the Red Barons. Holy shit, I am old.

TONIGHT! I'm going to the ballpark and no one will see me there writing everything down and keeping an eye on things. I saw some people and they were very suspicious. You have to be careful around a place like this...

By the way, Nelson Figueroa, Red Wings, probably Esmerling Vasquez, and the Lovely and Amazing Rich Hill. I found my thrill.

8.18.12 Furniture at Fenway

2-0 Bisons, win goes to Collin McHugh. Save goes to Fernando Cabrera. Loss goes to all the PawSox, not Chris Hernandez like the man said. And on a school night, too.

Hernandez gave up two runs on four hits during his six inning performance. Shortstop Josh Rodriguez hit a solo home run in the seventh inning, which was the money run, and Josh Satin was batted home in the second inning by way of a groundout. Josh Satin appears to have a personal vendetta against the Red Sox. He just wrecks Pawtucket.

McHugh pitched seven innings and Pawtucket scrounged up five hits against him, but without, say, Mauro Gomez and Pedro Ciriaco, things were difficult. I am aware that Andy LaRoche hits a little, but not this time. Actually, Jonathan Hee doubled. What the eff is gong on with little Jon Hee? You seriously need to look at his numbers over the last ten games. 11 for 30 with a .367 average, .462 OBP and .995 OPS. Roids, probably.

Josh Fields and Chris Carpenter finished off the game for Pawtucket. Buffalo relievers Robert Carson and Elvin Ramirez combo'd up in the middle to pave the way for Cabrera's sweet sweetness.

boston's not my home:
1. "It was fun. I was fortunate to get through seven [innings] and keep them at bay," said McHugh, who scattered five hits, struck out four and walked none. "Being here was the same feeling [as last year]. You get those chills on the back of your neck when you step up there on that hill. Once you get going, you kind of calm down and let it roll." - Mike Harrington

2. Harrington goes on to talk about Fernando Cabrera and his time with Boston. Cabrera essentially says stuff like, "I like baseball." He's so lucky he's cute. Also, this: "The Bisons headed right back to Pawtucket’s McCoy Stadium, an hour away, to shower and change after Saturday’s game as neither team had the use of Fenway clubhouses." Why couldn't they take a shower at the clubhouse? Seems like kind of a dick move.

3.

"Bisons broadcaster Pat Malacaro was all smiles.. After climbing up the baseball ladder with tasks such as reading out of town scores on the postgame show and calling games at Dwyer Stadium for the Batavia Muckdogs, Malacaro was in awe of his surroundings as he got to participate in the Bisons broadcast from the radio perch at Fenway. “If I never call another inning of play-by-play in my life, I can always say I called game action from Fenway Park. Absolutely incredible,” Malacaro posted on social networking."

- from Andrew Kulyk on Artvoice

4. Mike Harrington en fuego! Even more stuff from him, including post-game audio. Check it out!

TONIGHT! Fernando Cabrera? Wrong on both counts, it's a day game. Billy Buckner will hopefully be crushed by Jeurys Familia, but only if the offense comes alive after he exits because we're trying to win a wild card, here.

Smile, it's free.

8.17.12 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Yankees - Huge Ejection

8-5 Yankees. Oh, dear. Loss goes to our little Zach Stewart and dirty ol' Adam Warren gets the win. Eight runs? Guh.

Stewart pitched six innings and gave up five runs, including a solo home run by second baseman Corban Joseph and a three-run homer by former Red Wing/Durham Bull Darnell McDonald. Stewart walked three and struck out five.

Warren pitched five innings. Pawtucket got ten hits off him, but only translated that into two runs. Come on, guys. Come on. Che-Hsuan Lin came up three times with two outs and runners in scoring position, but wasn't clutch.

The Scrankees scored first, Joseph's solo home run putting the team on the board in the first. But Pawtucket tied it in the top of the third! Jose Iglesias walked, JC Linares doubled, Andy LaRoche got IBB'd to load the bases. Andy LaRoche. Intentional walk. Third inning. DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR!

However, Jon Hee surprised everyone, possibly even himself, when he hit an RBI single. Tie game, yes! But not for long, because Joseph hit an RBI double in the bottom half of the third.

Top o' the fourth: Three consecutive singles (MR, TT, CL) led the inning off for Pawtucket. Iglesias could not deliver, instead grounding into a force, Mike Rivera out at home. JC Linares singled, though, scoring Tony Thomas (Left fielder? WHAT.) But then Gomez grounded into a double play to end the inning. Boo, you whore.

SWB came back roaring in the bottom of the fourth, picking up three runs and effectively burying Pawtucket. All McDonald's fault. I know you thought he was your friend, but he is nobody's friend.

Nothing much happened in the fifth inning, or the sixth, except for reliever Preston Claiborne running in for Warren. Jose De La Torre pitched the seventh for Pawtucket, gave up a solo home run. And then, eighth inning... Cory Wade was pitching for Scranton and Pawtucket hit a couple of singles but nothing doing. Bottom of the eighth, De La Torre gave up a single to Francisco Cervelli... And then Melky Mesa hit a home run to left. Well, it looks like Arnie Beyeler and Rich Sauveur were ejected right after that, so I'm guessing there was some dispute over the home run. De La Torre was ejected as well, a little bit later, by home plate ump Jeff Gosney.

In the top of the ninth, JC Linares hit a two run homer and Hee hit a solo home run. Kooky.

Oh, so here's the deal, thanks to Kevin McNamara:

"Already trailing, 6-2, in the eighth inning, the PawSox’ Jose De La Torre gave up a long fly ball by Melky Mesa down the left-field line that was ruled a foul ball by home plate umpire Jeff Gosney. After discussing the call briefly with the other two umpires — neither of whom had a clear view — Gosney reversed his call and ruled it a two-run home run. That gave the Yanks an 8-2 lead and sent manager Arnie Beyeler into a tizzy. He was ejected by Gosney. Pitching coach Rich Sauveur then came on the field and continued arguing, even slightly bumping Gosney. He was also ejected.When De La Torre retired the side, he also made a beeline to the plate and needed to be restrained while getting in Gosney’s face. De La Torre was also ejected.

two things:
1. Pedro Beato's in Pawtucket now. Mark Prior was released, which I have to imagine he asked for. I'd say there were probably other roster moves they could have made.

2. Linares and Hee both had three hits. Nate Spears got no hits.

3. Darnell McDonald story here.

TONIGHT! No, this afternoon. PawSox in Boston, Chris Hernandez pitching. Buffalo opposes with Collin McHugh. Hope the rain clears up for you guys!

8.16.12 PawSox @ Yankees @ McCoy Stadium

Scranton W/B wins 5-4. They should just name all their minor league teams 'The Yankees' and be done with it. Except for triple-A, because in Scranton Wilkes-Barre people don't like the Yankees. Make them the Trolley Frogs.

Starter for Pawtucket was Tony Pena Jr, who pitched 3 2/3 innings and gave up a solo home run to CF Melky Mesa.

Justin Thomas started for the Yankees and evidently he was with Pawtucket a little last year. Like, as a reliever? No, in fact it was earlier this season, with Chorye Spoone and such. Thomas pitched five innings and gave up four runs on seven hits, so it looks like the Red Sox were winning!

In the second inning, Tony Thomas walked and stole second. Thomas scored Pawtucket's first run when CNOCA Dan Butler singled. Bottom of the second was Melky mesa's game tying home run.

Third inning JC Linares hit a solo home run. 3-2. Fifth inning, Jose Iglesias took a walk and Andy LaRoche hit a home run. 4-2!

Sixth inning, Alex Wilson pitching in relief. Brandon Laird, who has allegedly hit 30 doubles this season yet is not listed on the IL leader thing, doubled. Laird then scored when catcher Austin Romine singled.

And now, here is Daniel Bard's inning, the seventh. Bard led off by walking Chris Dickerson, then made a throwing error with 2B Corban Joseph at bat. So two on, no outs. But don't worry, because Dickerson was caught stealing! And then Eduardo Nunez popped out, so two outs and just Joseph hanging out on second base.

Bard then hit the next natter, Laird, with a pitch. Kevin Russo came in to pinch run, which makes nearly no sense to me but what do I know. Bard followed that up by walking Romine to load the bases. Jose Iglesias made an error, scoring Joseph, then Mesa hit a two-run single. 5-4.

Ryota Igarashi closed the thing out for the Yankees. Mauro Gomez made the last out, with a runner on base. Stupid Gomez. 0-5? Get at it!

two things:
1. The Noise Nation blog breaks down the playoff race in a way everyone can enjoy!

2. "At this point, you have to feel for Daniel Bard." - Well, guess what? I don't. (game story)

3. Oh, yeah, we got Pedro Beato now. How bout it.

4. Tamar Chalker also provides a game story from the flip side.

I gotta split, but Zach Stewart is going to face Adam Warren. Figuratively. More Yankees tonight, why not go see? It's all ending soon. And then what'll I do?

8.13.12 Pawtucket @ Buffalo - You won't find Chris trying to chase the devil.

PawSox win, 5-1, in the feel-good game of the summer. I know I feel good about it, especially since Sunday's game was such a shitfest. I love you, Chris Hernandez. Enjoy this win.

Hernandez pitched six innings and gave up on run on three hits. He was up to 99 pitches, otherwise who knows what may have happened? CH struck out seven batters, so that was thrilling.

Collin McHugh started for Syra... Rochest... Buffalo... I swear, if you play for the PawSox you could probably claim partial residency in New York. Not that you would want to. (BOOM! Roasted.) McHugh had a decent start, 5 2/3 innings and only giving up one run. Although... McHugh did throw 100 pitches so that was kinda bad. But he got six strikeouts, so that was good. No decision for McHugh because it was all Pedro Beato's fault. I'll talk about that in a minute.

First inning, Jose Iglesias walked with one out and then JC Linares singled. Why is Billy Buckner such an asshole? And Josh Fields? I thought Jeremy Kehrt was bad. Oh well, enough about them. Mauro Gomez hit an RBI single and Gomez is a gift sent from heaven. Who else on the team hits like he does? No one. They're all bums. I miss Pedro Ciriaco very much.

Buffalo tied the game at the bottom of the first, when Hernandez gave up a couple of singles and that bastard Josh Satin hit a sac fly.

And then the innings rolled by like fluffy clouds across the summer sky... Except it was night time, but whatever. I've been to that ballpark. So has Jonathan Van Every. Chris Carpenter pitched, CJ Nitkowski, Jose De La Torre, all those guys.

Eighth inning, JC Linares led off with a single and then Gomez homered. Suck it, Mets. No, actually, don't suck it. The Mets have enough problems without me wishing ill upon them. And then Andy LaRoche homered! Reynaldo Rodriguez and Alex Hassan hit back-to-back singles and booted Pedro Beato out of the game. Justin Hampson entered and Nate Spears sac bunted. Alright, Hamilton! Hampson then maybe ate some mushrooms before the game, because he intentionally walked Dan Butler? Who? What?!

Ryan Kalish, who didn't have a hit the entire game and is slumping, grounded into a force that scored Rodriguez. 5-1, there it is.

Fernando Cabrera pitched the ninth for Buffalo. UNF. Soon I will post all my photos of Cabrera, stolen or otherwise. And... I'll just leave it at that.

two things:
1. Pawtucket went 1-11 with RISP, so they could have inflicted a lot more damage. If you're into damage, you freak.

2. "McHugh is an avid tweeter and even keeps a blog called "A day older, a day wiser" where he's written about the learning curves of going to a new level. He had a 7.07 ERA in his first three starts with the Bisons but has made the adjustment well." - The great Mike Harrington

3. Mets Are Better Than Sex has a thing on Collin McHugh.

4. That's what she said?

5. "McHugh’s command has declined from Binghamton to Buffalo in 2012 allowing 2.05 BB/9 in Binghamton and 3.67 BB/9 in Buffalo. His command led to difficult innings for McHugh but he only allowed the three hits and struck out six and was able to contain any further damage." - Mets Merized Online

TONIGHT! No word on who's pitching, but possibly Tony Pena for Pawtucket. They're playing the Scrankees at McCoy, but it's an away game. Because of the thing.

None of the whores I know ever told me about Johnny Pesky. I am so sad over it. A lot of things about baseball frustrate me, bore me, annoy me, piss me off. Most of the players appear to be dull, shallow, meatheads who lean on their 'faith' to condemn homosexuality or whatever when really they're just homophobes without an ounce of intelligence. ( I said most.) But I really am sad over Johnny Pesky... Ah, what a life...

8.12.12 Buffalo Bisons are Formidable

Bisons take it, 9-3, bad scene, everyone's fault. Loss is bestowed upon poor Zach Stewart, who was trying to do a good job. Jenrry Mejia gets the win and he is 2-2. In case you care about Jenrry Mejia.

Stewart made it through three innings, was up to 75 pitches so it was perhaps past his bed time. Five hits, three runs, walks, strikeouts, a wild pitch, makeout sessions and bicycle messengers, punks and art school dropouts.

Mejia pitched five innings. Two runs on six hits, both unearned though. I think this game is a sham. I think no one really cares at this point so the Bisons staff looked up an old game from like 2009 and just tried to copy it as best as possible.

Buffalo scored nine runs, so let's talk about that. Second inning, big boy first baseman Adam Loewen doubled and DH Josh Satin followed with a single. Loewen later scored on an error, Stewart trying to pick off Satin I guess. RF Fred Lewis singled, scoring Satin, and it was 2-0 Buffalo.

Third inning, Lucas Duda doubled and Zach Lutz hit a sac fly. 3-0.

Fifth inning, leadoff batter and... Have you ever noticed that Alex Hassan looks a little like a marionette? Hassanocchio reached on an error. First baseman Reynaldo Rodriguez doubled to center to put runners at the corners, but then he tried for three bases and was thrown out. It's okay, he's young. Hassan scored anyway, on a ground out by Mike Rivera. Nate Spears then singled and stole second and scored on a single by Che-Hsuan Lin, who's been SO HOT LATELY! 3-2!

But after that, bottom of the fifth, the Bisons got to reliever Mark Prior. A leadoff double, a wild pitch, a single, a walk... Matt Tuiasosopo hit by a pitch... Yeah, all that and you get hooked in favor of Alex Wilson. Wilson balked, bringing a run in... 5-2.

Wilson continued to be a friendly helper to Buffalo in the sixth. First, he walked Fred Lewis. Then he got an out. Then he gave up a single and a walk. Lewis then scored on a force attempt, cuz Mike Rivera missed a catch. Lucas Duda scored on a sac fly, Will Inman came in to replace Wilson. And Inman walked in a run. Yeah. Game over at that point. Just crazy bad relief yesterday, probably because the bullpen spent Saturday night on Chippewa.

Oh, Mauro Gomez hit a solo home run in the eighth inning. Gomez is 4th in the IL for home runs. No love for this guy, I tell ya. If Mauro Gomez played for the IronPigs, he'd have fans in the cheap seats with banners and pom-poms and horns and bells. That's how they roll, and that's why I can't wait to go back.

Also, Andrew Bailey pitched a scoreless inning and a third. He absolutely cannot leave. I will use force if necessary.

if i'm having fun then it's breaking your heart:
1. "Lucas Duda went 3 for 5 with two doubles and three runs scored in his return from a double root canal." - Damn, girl!

2. Ryan Kalish went 0-5 with a strikeout. I'll bet he could use some sweet, special comfort.

3. Manager Wally Backman had this to say about Mejia: "He showed signs of having pretty good command and then he struggled a couple of innings where he fell behind some hitters. Overall, he pitched a pretty good ballgame. Threw all of his pitches for strikes. We had him on a pitch count tonight. We had him between 70 and 80. He got to 70 then we had that long inning, so instead of letting him go out and face two hitters, we just shut him down."

TONIGHT! Chris Hernandez will face Collin McHugh and I hope something interesting happens. Rich Hill is slowly working his way back, so I'm hoping for some time with Pawtucket in the near future.

I may or may not be here tomorrow. Going away for a few days. Have fun and be careful!

8.11.12 Pawtucket @ Rochester - Murder in Mind

Pawtucket is socked in the jaw, 5-3. Daniel Bard, you had one job. ONE JOB. Not that he cares about the Pawtucket Red Sox defeating the Rochester Red Wings, so I guess it doesn't matter as long as Bard got his work and development in. So thanks for failing to close the game out, Bard. Looks like you'll be back in Boston before you know it!

Starter for the Pawtuckets was new kid Steven Wright. Wright pitched five innings and gave up two runs on five hits. With that line, Wright is going to fit right in with Pawtucket's rich history of adequate five inning starters!

Pedro Hernandez started for Rochester. Hernandez pitched six innings and gave up seven hits, but Pawtucket could only get two runs over. It is mostly Jon Hee's fault, as he came up twice in the classic two out, RISP scenario and... Actually, no, I'm not going there. It's not Hee's fault at all.

The Red Wings were the first team to score. It started in the first inning with an RBI double by first baseman Chris Parmelee, who later ran home himself on a single by Clete "Former Mud Hen" Thomas. 2-0 after one.

The Red Sox picked up a run in the top of the second by way of an RBI single by left fielder Che-Hsuan Lin. They then tied the game in the third inning when four singles evolved into a run, HT Mauro Gomez.

The game stayed tied through Wright's start, through Josh Fields' relief, up until the eighth inning. Bard was all, single, walk, single, HBP, single. Rochester was all, 'Thankx for the three runzz, playah!' And I need to learn how to operate a buzzsaw... Like, a flying buzzsaw that I can launch from some apparatus on a utility belt. Boomerang style! Like, I can flick it from the stands at McCoy Stadium and it will swerve over to Bard on the mound one night, chop off his head very cleanly, and then return to me. Of course, I'd have to rappel down the side of the ballpark to escape...

Anthony Slama came in for the ninth inning, and he continues to struggle. PRAISE JESUS. Slama got two outs, as it is written in the scriptures. But then Lin singled and catcher Dan Butler doubled, scoring Lin. Slama was removed by manager Gene Glynn and replaced by Daniel Turpen, who says crap like "I hate you TNT, if your not gonna let me watch the entire blazer game the don't put it on your network, I'm missing the entire first half."

Turpen got the final out.

love may grow for all we know:
1. Three hits for Lin! Good work, son! No hits for Ryan Kalish, who could probably use some consolation.

2. Trevor Plouffe maybe considers Rochester his home away from home: “Absolutely; I was here for parts of four seasons. Wherever I am, especially when I’m here, I feel part of the team.” Aw. No one who was on the PawSox ever says stuff like that.

3. Sweet love's showing us a heavenly light. I've never seen such a beautiful sight.

4. If/when the hobo-ish Yankees make the playoffs, their home park will be Rochester. CHE-HSUAN LIN WANTS PLAYOFFS!!!

5. I want Andrew Bailey so bad. I want him for the playoffs, not for sex, like your mom does.

6. Josh Fields pitched two hitless innings, struck out three. And I just noticed that Steven Wright threw 102 pitches. Oh, Christ.

TONIGHT! Pawtucket goes to Buffalo for wings and unemployment. Zach Stewart will start v Jenrry Mejia. Fernando Cabrera will be there, possibly dozing. Goodbye and wish me luck! I am captain of a contending trivia team, and we're headed for the tournament!

YEAH MARSHON BROOKS!!!

8.10.12 PawSox @ Rochester Red Wings - Repko Records

Pawtucket wins, 9-3. Rochester starter Eric Hurley could probably use a warm bath and a good cry, since he got pounded and took the loss. If you saw his picture you would feel bad, too.

Starter for Pawtucket was Japanese superstar Daisuke Matsuzaka, or 'Akumu', as he is known in Venezuela. Matsuzaka pitched 4 2/3 innings, giving up two runs on five hits. First baseman Chris Parmelee got him for a two-run homer, so that was probably exciting for him. I enjoy this old picture of Parmelee...

Meanwhile, on the flip, Eric Hurley only made it through two innings, although he tried for a third. Jason Repko got a knock in right away, homering at the top of the first inning. Rochester put up two in the bottom half of the first, but the Red Sox bit back with three doubles in the second inning. 3-2!

So here's the top of the third: Danny Valencia and Andy LaRoche hit back-to-back singles and Alex Hassan walked to load the bases. Catcher Dan Butler hit a line drive single to center, scoring Danny n' Andy. Good work, catcher Dan Butler. Good night, E. Hurley. David Bromberg stepped in and struck out Nate Spears swinging. I could have told you how many pitches it took, but the minor league website makes me want to throw up with its flaws. I suppose all you need to know is that Jason Repko was the next dude and he doubled. Two more runs in for the PawSox!

Bromberg went on to pitch three innings and managed to hold back the tigers. But then Luke French... Ugh, bad relief pitching is such a downer... French entered the sixth inning probably focused on getting outs. But he started the outing by giving up a single to shortstop Jose Iglesias and a double to JC Linares. French struck out Gomez, which is no mean feat, but ran into his old teammate Danny V, who smacked a two-run double. Wow, 9-2!

Rochester picked up their third run in the seventh inning off Nelson Figueroa, who very nicely pitched the whole second half of the ball game and got the win for himself. Thanks, buddy. On April 11th, 2009, I said nice things about you. Just know that.

shorty so seductive dancin on me:
1. Pawtucket racked up 14 hits last night! Three for Iglesias, three for Valencia, with his blood still warm on the ground. Gomez and Hassan came up empty handed, though. Gomez, you're good. Hassan, go run some laps, maggot.

2. "Danny Valencia made a triumphant return to Frontier five days after being traded from the Wings to the PawSox. He went 3-for-3 with two walks and a two-run double in front of Twins farm director Jim Rantz. " - In front of Jim Rantz? IN FRONT OF JIM RANTZ?!

3. Oh my god, sometimes I love Steve Hyder so much. "As I was sitting outside the hotel this morning, I chuckled as a taxi pulled up and picked up Daisuke Matsuzaka and his entourage. What a waste of money this guy has been." I feel like Hyder should have been on the field for Poster Night. They should have a Poster Night for the staff!

4. Anthony Slama also pitched for Rochester. Slama's a faith n' family guy but... "The most awkward eye contact is with yourself while getting a haircut." This cannot be argued.

TONIGHT! Steven Wright makes his PawSox debut, so that should be interesting. Pedro Hernandez opposes. Is Andrew Bailey still around? We're keeping him, and that's not a threat, that's just a fact. I have rope and weaponry. Just sayin'.

8.9.12 Pawtucket Red Sox v Syracuse Chiefs - ERA-Hole

Syracuse WINS! 6-3. Righty Jeff Mandel gets the win for the Chiefs, Billy Buckner does not get anything.

Buckner pitched five innings and gave up five runs. He threw 84 pitches, 53 for strikes.

Mandel pitched seven innings and gave up two runs, including a solo home run by second baseman Nate Spears. It took him 87 pitches, only three more than Buckner!

The Chiefs put up a five-spot in the third inning, which began and ended with Jarrett Hoffpauir at bat. The sexy (?) second baseman led off with a double and later scored on a single by DH Jim Negrych. Third baseman Carlos Rivero later hit a two-run double, boosting the Chiefs' run total. Rivero later scored on a single by tall guy Mark Teahen. Et cetera.

Hey, the PawSox scored three runs! The third inning showed us Spears' solo bomb, Mauro Gomez hit an RBI single in the sixth, and JC Linares sac flied Lin home in the eighth.

Andrew Bailey pitched a scoreless sixth for Pawtucket (LET'S KEEP HIM!), Daniel Bard gave up a run on a hit and a couple of walks, and Jose De La Torre pitched the last two. I guess Jose De La Torre didn't do anything criminal, so I was incorrect.

And now, due to poor time management, I have to split. Sorry.

2012 PawSox Poster Night, AKA Autograph Night - Billy Buckner Blows Goats. I have proof.

I know a thing or two about autograph protocol. I have/had/have again a friend who is a 'grapher', so I know what goes on behind the sawhorses at McCoy Stadium. In fact, I am making a movie about graphers! YEAH! All I need is one million dollars and I can start getting the wheels rolling.

I never miss Poster Night and you know that. This year, I got a letter in the mail that allowed season ticket holders a 15 minute head start, which was great, because usually I just show up the night before with my sleeping bag and a kerosene lantern and curl up under the stars at Gate D.

Well, the early start never happened. Yes, the fans were allowed through the gate, but not onto the field. The players rolled in a little after five, which makes sense because lord knows how this ONE HOUR OUT OF AN ENTIRE BASEBALL SEASON is exhausting, grueling, and painful. These guys' lives are so fucking hard!

Everything was going okay. Attendance was not even close to what it was last year. Seriously, there were maybe half the lines of 2011 or even 2010 or 2009 0r 2008. I have to admit, I wasn't terribly interested in anyone aside from Mark Prior, who was reasonably pleasant.

I will say that Billy Buckner wins Enormous Douche PawSox Player of the Year! I don't even like the guy, mostly because he has been such a shitty pitcher in Pawtucket, but he was on my path so I stopped at his table. I offered a page in my scorebook. A blank page that some other dudes had signed. And Buckner takes it, looks at it, and then signs his name in the middle, intentionally overlapping another player's autograph. Totally ignored all the empty space. Just to be a fucking asshole, I guess. I mean, are you kidding me? Who the hell gives a flying fuck about this guy? What was the point of that?

Meanwhile, seated to Buckner's left, was newbie Josh Fields. When the guy in front of me handed Fields a very nice photo to sign, Fields says, "Who do I make this out to?" And when players say this, it means they hate you and don't want you to maybe sell their autographed picture and make money. Newsflash, Josh Fields: No one knows who you are. God, that table was all dickface, all day.

Danny Valencia sat by himself and was visibly miserable and sulky, mumbling and avoiding eye contact. Evidently he is thrilled to be in Pawtucket.

Daniel Bard was surprisingly pleasant. I expected him to be in his Moppy Place. Other players resembling human beings were Reynaldo Rodriguez, Nelson Figueroa, and Jason Repko. Repko is so smart and good-looking and everyone likes him and he does not have to lose weight at all.

Easily the nicest guy on the field last night was Jose Iglesias. Iglesias engaged with the kids, smiled, made small talk, seemed cheerful, and called out to me as I walked away... To tell me he liked my t-shirt. Eff yeah, you do. My t-shirt was awesome! Thanks, Jose Iglesias!

Other soulless dicks include De La Torre, Alex Wilson, JC Linares, and perhaps most disappointingly, Mauro Gomez. I guess Gomez' bat is enough, he doesn't need to be Miss Congeniality.

I skipped a lot of guys, but I do regret not stopping by Arnie Beyeler's table. I like Arnie a lot.

ZOMG I have a camera now! I don't have many pictures but I might put up what I have. Sadly, no one wore a 'LENNY IS A BABE' t-shirt.

8.8.12 PawSox v Syracuse Chiefs - Let's Go

Pawtucket pitching blows it over and over, loses 10-2. Sorry, Chris Hernandez it just wasn't your night. The night was John Lannan's. He pitched like a dream, struck some people out, threw 105 pitches, His only misstep involved Mauro Gomez, and lord knows how hard it is to get one by Gomez. Also, Mauro Gomez doesn't return my phone calls even though I have made it clear that I am in love with him. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF, MAURO?!

Chris Hernandez only lasted two innings, but the loss is all his. Just hits and runs all over the place, all kinds of sex and violence and bloodshed. Hernandez started the third inning, but was removed by Arnie Beyeler after he loaded the bases. Mark Prior took over but Jarrett Hoffpauir hit a grand slam and the game was already in its second hour and I was feelin' festive, so it's kind of a blur.

Starter for Syracuse was John Lannan, a big ol' meany who kicked Pawtucket's ass. Lannan pitched eight innings, got nine K's, walked only one guy (Dan Butler.) Austin Bibens-Dierkx pitched the ninth, got everyone out. Meanwhile, the PawSox used six pitchers.

Andrew Bailey pitched the sixth inning and looked great, tight, strong. Can we keep him in Pawtucket for a while? I'd love to have him in the bullpen. I'll bet your mom would, too. Ooooohhhhh!!

I don't feel like I need to hash out all the Chiefs' offense, but I will add that their defense was sharp last night. Good crowd all around at the park, plus Jim Martin doing PA? And Poster Night? And 2/3 of the KBJ Train? Yeah, it was a good night in spite of the loss. Nothing but love!

the error should not have been charged to reynaldo rodriguez:
1. Sorry. I love Hee, but his throw was weird.

2. Jason Repko went 2-4 and I wonder if his teammates are annoyed with his hustle. Some people are small and petty that way. I happen to love his balls-out professionalism. Maybe he ingests mushrooms and he thinks he's on the Twins.

3. Prior, Will Inman, Bailey, Alex Wilson, and Chris Carpenter all pitched for Pawtucket.

4. Beloved center fielder Corey Brown went 3-6 with a double.

5. "Former Bishop Feehan High pitcher of North Attleboro was in the crowd of 6,222." - You don't say? I don't recall seeing Pitcher. Otherwise, nice game story, Gobis.

6. "Marco!.... GOMEZ!" - Also, Carlo Rivero. Come on , Ben Meyers.

TONIGHT! It's Jeff Mandel v Billy Buckner. And I am about to say Very Bad Things about Buckner.

Ciaocito.

8.6.12 Pawtucket Red Sox v nobody knows we go to sleep

Yeah, but have you ever listened to a Pixies album... On POT?! PotSox win, and Jose Iglesias does some cool stuff and Zach Stewart is so fine... I wanna live on an abstract plain. Or Calistan Way. Hey, hey.

Or an island hidden in the sound. Come and see...

Starter for Pawtucket was Zach Stewart, former child reality star and sex tape victim. Stewart pitched five innings and didn't give up any home runs. He'd probably be pretty good at Eschaton. Stewart walked catcher Sebastian Valle, which is unacceptable. BEND OVER, ZACH STEWART, AND TAKE WHAT IS COMING TO YOU. Sorry, I just can't stop thinking about that Olympic rower's little bathing suit and now I'm mentally superimposing Pawtucket players on his body. I have to stop and think that perhaps there's some quality stuff under the uniforms. Who cares if they're horrible ignorant holy rollers, I WANNA LOOK. I don't know what's wrong with me. Okay, yes I do. I absolutely do.

Scott Elarton started for the IronPigs and man is he tall. Elarton pitched four innings and got shelled. I heard he cried in the shower, I don't know, I wasn't there. Maybe Andres Blanco whispered it to me. He tells me a lot of things that are secret.

I just now realized that Pete Orr and Jason Pridie are both on the IronPigs. I can't take it. That is too much IL-ness for one team. Both those guys should be dead by now. And Jeff Bailey doesn't have a job? Screw you, baseball.

Let's talk about Pawtucket offense, because that is the real truth. First inning, Jose Iglesias doubles with one out. Jose Iglesias is like 22 and has five kids. BOOM! Roasted. A single by Mauro Gomez put Iglesias on third. Mauro Gomez' picture of himself on Twitter is all you need to know about Mauro Gomez. Hint: Bedazzled t-shirt that cost prob. 100 dollahs. Boom, roasted! A double by JC Linares brought home the first Pawtucket run, and then Alex Hassan reached on an error. Alex Hassan went to Duke, so he's probably really good at getting girls drunk enough to hang out with him. BOOM. 3-0.

Pawtucket picked up a deuce in the second inning. Che-Hsuan Lin got on base after Elarton hit him with a pitch. Lin then stole second, which isn't the first time he's stolen something. Eh... I don't know anything about Che-Hsuan Lin except he drinks like a sorority girl. Boom? Lin made it third when catcher-no-one-cares-about Dan Butler singled. That's great Dan, but Lavarnway went to Yale. Ever heard of it? Lin later scored on a force out and Jason Repko scored, too, somehow. Are we 100 percent certain that Repko isn't really Josh Kroeger? Yes, because Repko isn't some nasty freak with an attitude problem, doggin' it on a day-to-day. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT KROEGER TAKE IT UP WITH HELEN WAITE.

Third inning, Che-Hsuan Lin hit a line drive RBI single. And JC Linares hit an RBI single in the bottom of the fourth. The IronPigs little run came in the ninth inning off Jose De La Torre, who was wearing a shirt that said "I Love Daisies".

two things:
1. Jason Repko has a hairy back. BOOM.

2. Andy LaRoche is allegedly Heidi Watney's boyfriend. Watney could probably have any man she wanted and she picks this guy. I don't understand anything so in celebration of this I am having a microwave pool party.

3. JC Linares has the weirdest little body I have ever seen. I love him.

4. Clayton Mortensen... Is secretly kind of an okay guy. I just found out just now that he's normalish, like Will Inman.

5. Daniel Bard. Oh my god, where do I start? Jesus don't want him for a sunbeam.

6. Didn't Jose De La Torre get in trouble for sexual assault? Am I thinking of the wrong guy? I feel like he was arrested at some point.

7. Lars Anderson ain't a Red Sox any more. Enjoy a place where there used to be industry, sir. Oh, wait...

8. Mike Rivera looks like a shriveled Carlos Maldonado. That's just a fact, not an insult.

I gotta get ready and go, for tonight is poster night. I'm feeling unpredictable, so watch out, Royce Ring!

8.5.12 Red Sox v IronPigs

Pawtucket wins 6-5 in ten innings, even though you thought it wasn't possible. The win goes to reliever Josh Fields.

Daisuke Matsuzaka started for Pawtucket, pitched three innings and gave up four runs on five hits. Only one run was earned, so if you care about Matsuzaka you may be heartened by this. The whole thing took 75 pitches so I guess he maxed out his rehab start pretty early on.

Starter for Lehigh Valley was lefty Tom Cochran. Cochran pitched five innings and gave up a home run to JC Linares.

Pawtucket was down 5-3 for the majoritah of the game, but tied it in the ninth. Looks like Phillippe Aumont was hallucinating or something.

A sac fly by Reynaldo Rodriguez won the game in the tenth.

Geez, this is hard. I'm stopping right here.

Holiday

I'll be back tomorrow. I took a few days off for joyous personal reasons.

Yes, I did hear about Garrett Mock.

Mike Tamburro, Hall of Famer. YES!!

8.1.12 Pawtucket Red Sox (BOS) @Lehigh Valley IronPigs (PHI)

Win goes to the IronPigs, but it was a close one, 3-2. Reliever Joe Savery gets the win in relief. Loss goes to Alex Wilson, who couldn't hang onto it in the tenth.

Starter for Lehigh Valley was Scott Elarton, who was once on the cover of Pork Illustrated. Elarton pitched 5 1/3 innings and gave up two runs on six hits, with only one being earned.

Pawtucket's starter was Tony Pena Jr, who I swear is in contention for the 2012 Least Interesting PawSox Player Award (Past winners include Aaron Bates, Michael Bowden, and Brent Dlugach.) Pena didn't pitch five innings. He gave up two runs on six hits.

Lehigh Valley's first run came by way of a homer by third baseman Hector Luna. Then there was another one. Pawtucket tied it up in the sixth inning. Mauro Gomez hit an RBI single and then Linares hit a sac fly. It really wasn't that interesting, but it did knock Elarton out of the game in favor of Tyson Brummett.

IronPigs relievers Jake Diekman, Phillippe Aumont, and Savery held Pawtucket scoreless the rest of the night. Red Sox relievers included Jose De La Torre, Mark Prior, Will Inman, and Alex Wilson. Wilson gave up a walk-off solo home run to Andres Blanco in the bottom of the tenth. Ouch. Wilson was later spotted walking the mean streets of Allentown in the rain, making no attempt to avoid getting wet. That's pain.

the thing that I call living is just being satisfied:
1. Welcome to the PawSox, Reynaldo Rodriguez! Some folks call you ReyRod, but I won't be doing that. Try harder to get a hit next time.

2. Mauro Gomez got two hits and JC Linares doubled.

3. Well, look who's all better now! Tony Thomas and Will Inman! Crazy how Tony Thomas was cleared to play right after Pawtucket lost some people, huh?

4. "“I didn’t want to strike out because if I get a strikeout, it’s gonna be my fourth in one day, and that’s not good for a guy who is supposed to be a contact hitter,” said Blanco, his face still showing the remnants of the shaving cream pie he received from a teammate during a postgame TV interview." - Thanks for that, Blanco. (Jeff Schuler)

5. "IronPigs manager Ryne Sandberg knows how crucial this two-game home and four-game away series with the PawSox is, but emphasized that out of the remaining 31 games, 27 are against divisional opponents. “Playing inside the division the whole month besides a short series against Toledo (Aug. 18-21) is always a chance to do something,” he said. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.” - YEAH SANDBERG! (Michael LoRe)

TONIGHT! Chris Hernandez v Tyler Cloyd. Still IronPigs. This is a good series, you guys, so soak it up.

7.31.12 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Whatever Yankees

Jason Repko WINS! 4-2. Pawtucket's Zach Stewart gets to hang the W on his fridge, Ramon Ortiz can wear his 'L' on his sweater like Laverne. And the PawSox are in first place again!

Stewart pitched five innings and gave up a solo home run to Darnell McDonald. He also piled up eight strikeouts.

Ramon Ortiz pitched six innings and gave up all four runs on six hits. His K's were but two.

The Red Sox scored the first run of the game when Mauro Gomez hit an RBI single in the first inning. They added the whipped topping of a pair of runs in the second inning, when second baseman Jon Hee singled with two outs and Jason Repko hit a home run to left. 3-0.

The Yankees seem to have ganked some of the sons of Pawtucket and I don't appreciate it. Former Pawtucketeer Darnell McDonald got his hair cut like Samson but was still able to muscle a homer in the fifth to make it 3-1.

Bottom of the sixth, Andy LaRoche hit an RBI double. 4-1. Bottom of the eighth, Daniel bard comes in after Garrett Mock, gets an out, but allows a double to shortstop Eduardo Nunez. Unfortunately, two passed balls later ("Passed balls my ASS!" - Lavarnway), Nunez came home.

The Yankees put a couple of runners on in the ninth, but Chris Carpenter hung tight and got the last out. Thanks, Elvis.

don't say you're easy on me:
1. You're about as easy as a nuclear war.

2. Jose Iglesias and Mauro Gomez got two hits apiece. JC Linares and Lavarnway got zero hits. I would love to see a bare-knuckle brawl between Lavarnway and Daniel Bard, like the one in 'My Bodyguard'.

3. Garrett Mock pitched two scoreless innings and is against gay marriage. The Yankees presented Justin Thomas and Preston Claiborne. Wasn't Justin Thomas going to be on the PawSox?

4. Sad story about the passing of a longtime PawSox fan.

5. Ryan Kalish has left us once again for those miserable fucks in Boston.

6. You know what? Screw you guys. No one tells me anything! I had to find out from this guy! Anderson and Podsednik are GONE! And Craig Breslow is back? Crazy.

7. In a related story, this IronPigs series is a very big deal to IronPigs fans, because they care deeply. More deeply than most Pawtucket fans. I'm going back to Allentown as soon as possible. Read this great story on Bacon and Biscuits for more information.

TONIGHT! Scott Elarton is tall, will pitch. Tony Pena Jr better take whatever combination of drugs someone takes to pitch well. Crystal meth and schnapps? Paint thinner and chronic? Cocaine and chamomile flowers?

See you tomorrow.