Ryan Rowland-Smith's apartment looks upside-down from there.

Ryan Rowland-Smith is not Peter Moylan. I just now realized that because I was all, isn't that the dude on the Braves with all the tattoos?

No, it's that cute guy from the Mariners. But they are both Australian so partial credit.

Rowland-Smith, or Smitty, as he likes to be called, is a lefty who spent last year pitching for the Iowa Cubs. Rowland-Smith started eight games, but was primarily used in a relief role. He went 3-6 with a 3.94 ERA, if you're into generic corporate conformist stats, you Fascist!

Jelly up and jam tight!
1. Rowland-Smith struggled pretty much the entire season with the Mariners in 2010: "What I learned after last season is not to live and die off every game. I'm talking about when I struggle in a game, not to take four days to get over it, and trust that ability-wise, it's all there. I realized how much I lost my ability to compete. I stopped being myself - a guy who goes out and fights for every out, a f#%k you attitude, not a guy who tries to trick guys. There's a huge difference in hoping that a ball misses a bat, and believing it's going to miss the bat." And then he went to the Astros. Check out Jeff Sullivan's entire interview, it's ace!

2. Rowland-Smith enjoys the sinker, dogs, and being Australian.

3. Hey, Aardsma! Say hi to your mom for me!

4. "if u spent 24 hrs with me maybe u would see something different than your perception of me. I know your pulling for me, when I get through this struggle I will acknowledge (every) single person who stood by me and believed in me. No matter what happens, we have to keep grinding, and it will happen soon." - Rowland-Smith is one classy dude.

I'm out of time. Rats! I think Rowland-Smith is going to a problem for me in Pawtucket. Let's face it: He's stupid hot. I often complained about the lack of handsomeness in Pawtucket but maybe it's better that way. It's tough to be professional when you're squishy.

Aaron Goldsmith creates web content.

Aaron Goldsmith got a big league gig with the Mariners after spending a relatively short time in the majors. Goldsmith reveals, in a conversation with Benjamin Hill (again), "“I have experience doing things outside of the broadcast booth, social media, creating web content, podcasts and video interviews. [The Mariners] were very interested in my ideas and thoughts regarding what worked and what hadn’t worked within that realm.”

Hill goes on to say: "...I believe that maintaining a strong presence in these supplementary areas (blogs, podcasts, Twitter, Facebook, etc) is a crucial way to increase your visibility and, therefore, your reputation within what is quite possibly the most cutthroat occupation in all of Minor League Baseball."

I didn't read Goldsmith's blog very often due to petulance and small-mindedness, but it seemed like good stuff. Obviously, no one who works for the team is going to do much more than human interest stories on the players, nothing too critical or investigative, but the fans seem to enjoy stories about players' dogs or The Coach They Had Who Influenced Their Entire Career.

But yes, if you can do all the stuff that Goldsmith did, it certainly seems like an edge. Not that anyone cares about baseball any more.

Jeff Levering is half.

A few days ago, it was revealed to the world and also the Darlington part of Pawtucket that a young former college baseball player named Jeff Levering (rhymes with severing?) will be one of the new radiocast guys.

Levering, 29, spent his last three seasons working for the Double-A Springfield Cardinals. He's also a friend of Dustin Pedroia's, which surely could not have hurt his chances. Brendan McGair did a good job with the whole story, haz clic! And Benjamin Hill has a report from Levering's former park, complete with killer snapshots and overall superlative work. BEN'S BIZ!!!

Would you like to hear his solemn, sonorous voice? Watch this video! Levering talks about having to pee really bad during a game broadcast. And also getting boatraced. What does that mean and how can I start working it into conversation?

I know you're thinking, Who is this California handsome boy and why should I trust him? Well, just look forward to a little youth injection that's not some square, fluffy-haired corporate conformist who thinks liking Feist or the Black Keys makes him interesting.Just make a fumbling play for Levering's heart...

Jeff Levering's first day is March 4th, so everybody please be nice and remember that Missouri and Rhode Island are probably quite different. It's a lot colder and we don't eat catfish.

You guys, I'm getting really excited. Here comes the sun and I say it's alright.

Daddy Red Bird

Back in January, when maybe you thought spring was truly coming and weren't disheartened by the dirty, lingering trash of old snow, Boston signed former Cardinals first base guy Mark Hamilton to a minor league contract. Well, they "Agreed to Terms" with him, which might mean something a little different. For instance, they may be able to sell his personal information to third parties that they feel will offer things of interest to him. Like erection pills or frequent flier miles.

Hamilton is a big fat kid who went to Tulane, where he was presumably a choir boy. Okay, he's not fat, but he's got a first-baseman's build. He's been in the STL org for his entire career, so I'm sure he had a warm bath and a good cry when he was cut loose. I don't know if he's hot, but I'm pretty sure he's married.

Do you want his slash line? Or just slash, like a story about Youk and Pedroia's secret romance? I will tell you that Hamilton has not tripled in professional baseball since 2006. Probably because he's fat. Hamilton played 90 games for the Triple-A Memphis Redbirds in 2012, seemed to strike out a lot. He appears to have played in Memphis since 2009, when he touched down in the land of the Delta Blues. I don't know, look for yourself. Nothing jumps out, which means he's perfectly suited for Pawtucket.

Here's some stuff people said via social media:
1. "Non roster 1B Mark Hamilton very impressive in BP." - Pete Abraham. CARE TO ELABORATE?

2. "Carp is expected to compete with Daniel Nava, Mitch Maier, Mark Hamilton and Lyle Overbay for at-bats." - RealGMBaseball. WHOA. This is exactly like when Chris Carter, Jeff Bailey, Brad Wilkerson, and Paul McAnulty were all competing for a Boston bench spot in '09!

3. "Mark Hamilton, former Tulane star and #cardinals farmhand, escaped the former-card gravitational pull to Houston. In Boston's lineup today." - Derrick Goold. That was yesterday.

fleshier stuff:
1. Just looked at a picture of Hamilton and he's adorable and not at all fat. This season in Pawtucket I will do my best not to say "Alright, Hamilton" but I am not making any promises. I still can't stop saying "Everybody Ray Chang tonight!"

2. "There are encouraging items, too, though, such as Hamilton's career .385 on-base percentage at Triple-A, and .203 Isolated Power at the level -- if he can approximate those levels while in the International League, then, even at 28, it might be worth seeing if he can hit in the majors if there's a need and the scouting reports match the numbers." - Rebel Alliance member Marc Normandin puts it down.

3. Possessor of inner thoughts Chris Hogan talks about it. It's a radiocast on the internet. What a time we live in.

4. "Tim Lincecum. We faced him in the 2004 Oxford Regional when he was pitching for the University of Washington. As a freshman, he had already learned how to pitch and had an outstanding fastball and curveball. I saw him again in the Cape Cod Summer Baseball League in 2005 and he was beyond outstanding, thrown 97-101 MPH with an amazing curve." - Hamilton's toughest pitcher he's faced, from a decent interview here.

5. "He’s had 89 home runs throughout his career, for instance, including 20 in 2010 and 15 last year before he was released by the Cardinals in August. He also has experience playing in the corner outfield spots, so that could come in handy if the Red Sox are put in a bind down the road." - Bryan from The Grandstand Perspective sums it all up for us dummies.

6. Although I mentioned that Hamilton struck out a lot last year, he was also in a three-way tie for first place in walks. Eugenio Velez was also part of that  three-way. So was your mom, I heard.

7. Hamilton's taste in music is about the same as any other baseball player.

Making lists or bullet points is super lazy, but I lack an analytic mind or fully-formed opinions so it's what I lean on. Now I must drive to Wakefield for beer and fried stuff.

MAURO GOMEZ!!!

Jeremy Hazelbaker ate at chain restaurants in Mexico.

This evening I found myself thinking about Jeremy Hazelbaker's contributions to the Pawtucket Red Sox and his command of the strike zone and how he spent his off-season working out and drinking protein shakes and making his wife get his golf clubs out of the trunk because he was playing video games.

No, I was just looking at the Pawtucket 2012 roster and realized I didn't have much to say about players Anderson through Hassan. And I thought about how he's farm-built like a Syracuse ladder and how high he pulls his pants up. Did you know Hazelbaker is a Ball State kid? He's from Indiana but has probably never been Jammed!

Hazelbaker only played in seven games for Pawtucket. He struck out eight times and never walked. He also says shit like "I ain't sure I've ever heard of Downtown Abbey" and "I never thought I would see the day where my girlfriend would ask me to get her a handgun! SOOO HAPPY!!!!".

Let's talk to it!

1. Hazelbaker participated in a webchat, but not the kind where you take your underpants off. I tried to watch it, I swear.

2. "Hazelbaker also must continue to work on his defense because he played third base in high school and second during his first two seasons at Ball State. Among other things, he must get better reads on line drives and as well as balls hit in the gaps." - Mike Scandura wrote this. Either that or that scoundrel Charlie Saponara.

3. JH played winter ball in Mexico, yet has probably never tried tequila in his life.

4.
  
  "He has plus speed (36 SBs) and some pretty good pop (19 HRs, .206 ISO, .479 slugging at AA).  Overall he hit .273/.338/.479 in AA last season. Despite the plus speed, Hazelbaker needs work in CF.  He has plus raw range but needs to learn to read the ball better and take better routes.  Enter defensive guru Dave McKay.  He did a lot with an aging, sore-kneed player in Alfonso Soriano, perhaps he can translate Hazelbaker's plus athleticism into plus defense in CF.  Hazelbaker has shown the ability to take walks in the minors but his overall plate discipline is inconsistent.  Furthermore, his ability to make contact at the MLB level may be a concern, though he's trending in the right direction.  His 23.4% K rate at AA last season was a career low.  If the Cubs think he can improve in the spring, he fits the profile of a potentially plus defensive CF with good range in CF."

Thanks, John Arguello!

5. "Jeremy Hazelbaker posted monster numbers in his junior season at Ball State. His .550 OBP was 2nd highest in D-1. His OPS was a staggering 1.274 and his babip was .491. His SecA was a staggering .645 (.500 is considered to be very good). More impressive is his plate discipline. His BB/K ratio was 1.37. His Runs Created per Plate Appearance were .315." - swiped from Sabermetric Sox Report

6. "We've enjoyed having Jeremy here," said Susan Cressey. "(He) has an intense schedule with lots of road trips and training sessions at Hadlock Field before games. I'm particularly impressed with his healthy life style and his self-discipline in terms of always being game-ready. Late nights and early morning road trips are the norm for Jeremy and his teammates." - Hazelbaker's Portland host family was his trainer's parents. I'm pretty sure Susan Cressey read that statement off index cards with a gun pointed at her head.

7. LOL this picture. LOL. LOL. LOL!!!

8. Rule 5 = Theme from Jaws and Hazelbaker's pasty legs treading saltwater.

9. Hazelbaker set up a scholarship at his old high school, so that was nice of him.

10. WHO IS WESSEL BROCKEN?!

11. Kolbrin Vitek kind of compares Hazelbaker to an old shoe: " I played with him in college for a couple years and then once I got drafted I knew I’d be playing with him a little bit. By the end of my first season I was teammates with him again, which is awesome. It helps you get a little more comfortable with the rest of your teammates, you can kind of break in that way, and having that familiar face is always helpful. Coming in every day and having someone that you’ve known for five or six years now, it’s very helpful."  BUS LEAGUES BASEBALL RULEZ!!!

12. "Even after working out in the hot sun all morning Hazelbaker was more than accommodating. He talked to me as much as I wanted him to and even un-tucked his shirt to show us his tattoo." - DUDE.

13. "Red Sox prospect Jeremy Hazelbaker lead the lower-A Carolina League with 63 steals and 135 K’s, an unusual combination to say the least. In fact, he lead the entire Boston organization…7 teams plus the parent club…in stolen bases, and was topped only by Dave Ortiz’ 145 strikeouts." - from Deep-Fried Hoodsie Cups, which has really pretty pictures.

14. So I'm reading this thing where Hazelbaker talks about baserunning and I'm digging it and of course it's a David Laurila joint.

I need more practice writing stuff if I am ever going to make a book. I'm pretty sure Alex Speier is going to write an article about all my spelling errors and clunky exposition and forced pop culture references. But I don't care, because I AM ONE WIN AWAY FROM GOING TO THE TOURNAMENT FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW!!!!

IDAWAHIO!!!

Brentz, just admit it.

I do not buy this gun-accidentally-going-off story. Why is it always my responsibility to whip up a scathing exposé?

I feel like this story secretly involves lots of alcohol and some Tennessee justice. Kind of like a honky-tonk barfight, but trashier.

Doesn't anybody care about the truth any more?

And then with the blizzard.

2013 was not a good year for anybody. I'm calling it.

Kevin Millwood retired. And I knew... He had made me happy.

In 2011, Kevin Millwood, zillionaire superstar, came to our little ballpark. He started 13 games and went 5-1 with a 4.28 ERA. I see he struck out 66 and walked 25, so that was pretty good. It was a very exciting time for me.

I went back in my archives and noticed that Millwood tossed a 102 pitch game v Buffalo in July 2011. Opposing pitcher was the equally veteran Miguel Batista.  Know who else pitched? Dale Thayer and Gustavo Chacin. What the fuck. The Millwood game summaries are terrific and wicked funny, if I say so myself.

Last thing: Millwood participated in PawSox bowling. I would also like to point out that on Poster Night, Mill the Thrill was friendly and cordial and actively engaged with the fans. SO MUCH CLASS. And yet scrubs like Billy Buckner can't be bothered.