Daddy Red Bird

Back in January, when maybe you thought spring was truly coming and weren't disheartened by the dirty, lingering trash of old snow, Boston signed former Cardinals first base guy Mark Hamilton to a minor league contract. Well, they "Agreed to Terms" with him, which might mean something a little different. For instance, they may be able to sell his personal information to third parties that they feel will offer things of interest to him. Like erection pills or frequent flier miles.

Hamilton is a big fat kid who went to Tulane, where he was presumably a choir boy. Okay, he's not fat, but he's got a first-baseman's build. He's been in the STL org for his entire career, so I'm sure he had a warm bath and a good cry when he was cut loose. I don't know if he's hot, but I'm pretty sure he's married.

Do you want his slash line? Or just slash, like a story about Youk and Pedroia's secret romance? I will tell you that Hamilton has not tripled in professional baseball since 2006. Probably because he's fat. Hamilton played 90 games for the Triple-A Memphis Redbirds in 2012, seemed to strike out a lot. He appears to have played in Memphis since 2009, when he touched down in the land of the Delta Blues. I don't know, look for yourself. Nothing jumps out, which means he's perfectly suited for Pawtucket.

Here's some stuff people said via social media:
1. "Non roster 1B Mark Hamilton very impressive in BP." - Pete Abraham. CARE TO ELABORATE?

2. "Carp is expected to compete with Daniel Nava, Mitch Maier, Mark Hamilton and Lyle Overbay for at-bats." - RealGMBaseball. WHOA. This is exactly like when Chris Carter, Jeff Bailey, Brad Wilkerson, and Paul McAnulty were all competing for a Boston bench spot in '09!

3. "Mark Hamilton, former Tulane star and #cardinals farmhand, escaped the former-card gravitational pull to Houston. In Boston's lineup today." - Derrick Goold. That was yesterday.

fleshier stuff:
1. Just looked at a picture of Hamilton and he's adorable and not at all fat. This season in Pawtucket I will do my best not to say "Alright, Hamilton" but I am not making any promises. I still can't stop saying "Everybody Ray Chang tonight!"

2. "There are encouraging items, too, though, such as Hamilton's career .385 on-base percentage at Triple-A, and .203 Isolated Power at the level -- if he can approximate those levels while in the International League, then, even at 28, it might be worth seeing if he can hit in the majors if there's a need and the scouting reports match the numbers." - Rebel Alliance member Marc Normandin puts it down.

3. Possessor of inner thoughts Chris Hogan talks about it. It's a radiocast on the internet. What a time we live in.

4. "Tim Lincecum. We faced him in the 2004 Oxford Regional when he was pitching for the University of Washington. As a freshman, he had already learned how to pitch and had an outstanding fastball and curveball. I saw him again in the Cape Cod Summer Baseball League in 2005 and he was beyond outstanding, thrown 97-101 MPH with an amazing curve." - Hamilton's toughest pitcher he's faced, from a decent interview here.

5. "He’s had 89 home runs throughout his career, for instance, including 20 in 2010 and 15 last year before he was released by the Cardinals in August. He also has experience playing in the corner outfield spots, so that could come in handy if the Red Sox are put in a bind down the road." - Bryan from The Grandstand Perspective sums it all up for us dummies.

6. Although I mentioned that Hamilton struck out a lot last year, he was also in a three-way tie for first place in walks. Eugenio Velez was also part of that  three-way. So was your mom, I heard.

7. Hamilton's taste in music is about the same as any other baseball player.

Making lists or bullet points is super lazy, but I lack an analytic mind or fully-formed opinions so it's what I lean on. Now I must drive to Wakefield for beer and fried stuff.

MAURO GOMEZ!!!