5.26.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Gwinnett Braves - leaving me

Pawtucket beats the Braves, 3-2, and then they all took turns pissing on home plate or whatever jocks do for kicks.

Starting lefty for the Gwinnett Paltrow Braves (can't believe I never thought of that before) was Hector Daniel Rodriguez. I guess he's like one of many Hector Rodriguezeses? Love the name "Hector". HD-Rod pitched seven innings, gave up three runs on seven hits.

(hang on one sec)

Anthony Ranaudo, who seems reasonably decent, pitched for the Red Sox. Ranaudo got a couple of outs in the seventh inning, then made way for Rich Hill. At that point the score was 3-0. Hill pitched the remainder of the game, gave up a couple of runs in the ninth but the PawSox hung in there.

Nobody scored until the fifth inning. Mike McCoy hit an RBI double and then uhhhhh Ryan Roberts homered.

Hill got Todd Cunningham to strike out to end the game.

Some fresh meat: Travis Shaw and Shannon Wilkerson from Portland.

I might go to the game Wednesday, depending on how I feel.

Maybe it's just my hayfever medicine talking, but this is not very interesting, is it?

Readability

You know what inspires me? Myself. I just read something I wrote about Kevin Appier of all people and it was so damn good I wondered who could have written it.

Answer: Me.

Pawtucket beat Syracuse 4-1. Rich Hill got the win.

I should come back.

I need to get drunk with Steve Hyder and talk about old times.

5.19.14 The RailRiders are in Pawtucket. RailRiders.

SWB wins 5-3 in ten innings. W goes to reliever Jim Miller with Chris Hernandez taking a sock in the jaw for Pawtucket.

Starter for the PawSox was baby-faced killer Allen Webster. Webster gave up a run on three hits in five innings. He walked three, K'd four. He was apparently not very sharp, as his pitch count was up to 99.

Joel De La Cruz started for the Scranton Wilkes-Barre RailRiders, IL franchise for the MFY. What does it all mean? De La Cruz pitched 5 2/3 and gave up a run to either Ryan Roberts or Daniel Nava.

SWB was up 1-0 until the sixth inning, when Pawtucket chopped out a single with a little help from Daniel Nava. Things were shaky enough at that point that De La Cruz got the boot in favor of reliever Mike Montgomery. Mark Montgomery, sorry.

Bottom of the seventh, Garin Cecchini led off with a single and stole second. Nice work, Choppers. Sexy CF Corey Brown followed with a single of his own. Cecchini scored on a wild pitch, Dan Butler walked in slow motion to first base after four balls. Brown stole third, Ryan Roberts hit an RBI. 3-1!

Oh but this is horrible. In the eighth inning, Drake Britton gave up a two-run homer to tie the game up. Drake Britton looks like the guy I buy weed from, except Drake Britton probably owns an exotic snake.

Tenth inning, Chris Hernandez serving up lefty realness. Hernandez got the first out, then it was single-walk-single-sac fly for the pair that beat the house. Diego Moreno came in to get the last  three outs, gave up a single to Lavarnway but ultimately got Christian Vazquez to ground out to end the game. CONSARN IT!

two things:
1. Second baseman Ryan Roberts went 3-5, in case you care about Ryan Roberts. He was the only Pawtucketer to get an XBH. That's why I wear his jersey to bed and also to work and in the shower.

2. Carlos Rivero is on the PawSox now. This is significant in ways I cannot explain. You haven't lived until you've been snubbed by Carlos Rivero in a dark Syracuse parking lot while being bombarded by blackflies. At any rate, I need to go see Carlos Rivero and his darling arms ASAP.

3. This game was 3.5 hours long. Jesus.

Right now the RailRiders are playing the last game of the homestand. Anthony Ranaudo is pitching v Shane Green. I'm not too proud to say that I have not heard of most of these Yankee farmers.

Buen Provecho!

5.18.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees (NYY) - Who is your favorite PawSox?

My favorite PawSox is the one with the biggest you-know-what. OPS is what I mean.

Just kidding, I meant dick.

I'M JOKING. (Not you, Mike McCoy.)

No, I'm not serious, Mike McCoy is pretty ugly and also a prude.

I'M BUSTING, MCCOY. You're hot and probably the easiest lay on the team.

PSYCH! Lavarnway's hot because he hit a home run, but also he's not that great-looking. Word on the street is that his you-know-what is really small.

His OPS, I meant.

For real, though, my favorite PawSox player is Jeff Levering. I heard he needs help taking his clothes off.

No, sorry, that's not what I meant. I was referring to Dan F. Hoard, former radiocaster and now champion of Cincinnati.

WHUUUT DAN HOARD IS NOT EVEN A PLAYER?!? That's because my favorite player is Cecchini, because his teeth are astounding and he gets on base but is probably not as good a fielder as Angel Chavez was or maybe not even Gil Velazquez.

Forget it, Garin Cecchini is such a boring choice. The truth is I don't have a favorite player, but if I did it wouldn't be a jackass like Drake Britton or Alex Hassan.

Yankees win, 3-2. Let's talk about that instead of being scandalous.

Starter for the Pawtuckets was Rubby De La Rosa, of the Virginia De La's. Lovestruck was his mode. Took a look, dropped my textbook...

De La Jenny pitched five innings, gave up nine hits and struck out 8! So his pitch count was probably like 165? I'm assuming Rubby was done after five. Look at him go, look at him go! He gave up two runs, but looks like Rich Hill was the guy who ruined everything.

Starter for SWB was Zach Nuding, who I hate based on his eyebrows alone. Zach Nuding has asshole eyebrows. Nuding pitched 5 2/3 and also allowed two runs.

Get in the car and don't touch nothing. Sit in the car, let's discuss something. THE OFFENSE!

The revolting Yankees started first, and I swear I will never go to their horseshit ballpark. First baseman Kyle Roller led off the second inning with a triple, so bully for Roller. Although he's a fairly recent AA call-up, so I guess he's doing alright for himself.

Roller never made it home, though, because Caucasian shortstop Dean Anna grounded into a fielder's choice. DEAN ANNA PITCHED ONE TIME. Some other stuff happened, catcher Jose Gil hit a two-run single to center that perhaps could have been a double for a non-catcher. 2-0 Scranton.

Pawtucket picked up a run in the third inning by way of a groundout. It was terribly boring. Ryan Lavarnway tied it with a solo home run in the sixth. Say, does Lavarnway still have that dumdum mustache? Because it's so bad.

Top of the eighth, Rich Hill, A Domestic. Whoops, sorry, I intended to say "A Lefty". HBP, single, groundouts, E4, et cetera. 3-2 Scranton Wilkes-Barre.

Game ended when Cecchini grounded into a double play with two men on base. Loss goes to Hill, win goes to reliever Pat Venditte.

two things:
1. Dalier Hinjosa pitched a pair of scoreless innings, so that was nice. Did you know Hinojosa was from "C'uba"? Additionally, it looks like Drake Britton and Alex Wilson are sort of closers. Guh, they deserve each other.

2. Scrankees DH Scott Sizemore struck out 5 times. That's some good DHin'.

3. "The triple was a gapper thart could have been caught: No jump at all. Double was a soft liner past cicchini that should have been stopped. He plays way too far off the line and the single was a bouncer up the middle." - JackieWilsonsaid

In fact, here's the poetry and insight of Sox Prospects user JackieWilsonsaid in its entirety:

Let's hope my next aw sox game is Marrero Betts not Mccoy roberts

Just back from paw sox.

Not a lot to see here.

Cecchini and nava and pray formally ups.

All the taaa filler is exactly that.

Lacarnway looks very bulky yet his at bats are weak.
The hr was left field linens barely out.

Cechhini needs to hut exceptionally well as his d is non existent. At 3rd and hopefully you may be able to hide him in left.

No not at all
Thereof runs were scored on a single.

There were no running catches in the if.

One ball was a legit double.

When he bears down the fastball pops and the change is silly .

When he doesn't early on counts the ball is in play.

The hole team was a bit life less.
Real matinee feel.

Nava is lost down here and was the only of with any d.

His status is sad

 4. Headline says "Venditti" because there is no true justice in this world.

5. And then there's "Vidette".

RailRiders. Wow, I am such a fuckup. Not the Yankees, the RailRiders. I guess I'd better get my pay docked! Oh, wait, I don't get paid! I make zero point zero zero dollars doing this! 

I could make money with some clickbait? EIGHT PAWSOX PLAYERS YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE GAY

THE PAWSOX PLAYERS' WEIRD WEIGHT-LOSS SECRETS

FIVE MOST FATTENING MENU ITEMS FROM MCCOY STADIUM

BRANDON WORKMAN'S SCANDALOUS SEX TAPE REVEALED!!!!!

TWELVE SHOCKING STORIES FROM THE PAWSOX BULLPEN

SECRET TOXIC INGREDIENT IN SUNFLOWER SEEDS IS KILLING OUR CHILDREN, SAYS DANIEL NAVA

Tonight the RailRiders are still in town so you just enjoy that and shut your fucking mouth. I'm going downtown to get drunk.

PAZ AFUERA.

5.7.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Toledo Mud Hens (DET) - The Last Good Game

Toledo wins, 4-0, on the back of beloved minor leaguer Mike Hessman. Mike Hessman forever, man. I should have stayed after the game so I could talk to him. And the Mud Hens aren't coming back so there goes my opportunity.

Starting pitcher for the Pawtucket Sox was Brandon Workman, who pitched very well indeed. I know, he gave up four home runs. But he was throwing strikes? Yeah? Plus he had to face Hessman who truly could not be tamed.

Workman pitched seven innings, gave up four runs on four hits, threw 87 pitches with 57 of 'em being el strike-o's. Looked pretty good.

You know who looked better? Kyle Lobstein. That little lefty got nine K's and didn't allow any runs through 6 1/3. He threw 100 pitches, DAMN SON!

Here's a picture of The Lobster:

Hessman hit two home runs, Ben Guez hit one and Tyler Collins hit one.

Chad Smith and Jose Ortega provided stellar relief for Toledo.

I was at this game! A baby came as well, he seemed pretty absorbed in the game even though he is only eight months old. I didn't see the rooster guy, though.

I'm talking about this game even though it's a few days old because it's probably going to be the Last Good Game. If you haven't noticed, I am dying of boredom here.

two things:
1. "Would rather have . . .

. . . Kyle Hardthrowingstein" - Genius comment on the Bless You Boys Lobstein breakdown. Read it!

2. Dan Butler was the catcher in this game. I want me and Dan Butler to get an apartment together. I think he could help me quite a bit with my finances. He could be my life coach. He could be my personal trainer. In return I would allow him to have sex with me most nights and the occasional morning. And he can watch whatever he wants on television. NO SMOKING/PETS.

3. Ryan Roberts hit a double and Garin Cecchini hit a double. So Cecchini has a brother named Gavin who is also a baseball player? Revolting. I hate you, Cecchini's parents.

4. Alex Wilson and Chris Hernandez were relievers who served scoreless realness.

Goodbye.

5.4.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Indianapolis Indians (PIT) - Indiana Here I Come

Red Sox take it, 3-2. Win goes to lefty Chris Hernandez in relief. Cody Eppley, A Reliever, takes the loss.

Starter for the PawSox was righty Allen Webster, who has a wicked bad temper but has never hit a lady. Webster gave up two runs on seven hits, pitched into the seventh inning OH MY GOD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL BEN CHERINGTON A PAWTUCKET STARTER WENT WAY TOO DEEP ALSO 98 PITCHES IS MENTAL.

Starter for the Indianapolis was Randy "Jay" Jackson. I suppose I would also go by "Jay" if my name were Randy Jackson. "HAY RANDY WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WITH MICHAEL HAW HAW HAWRRR"

And holy shit, a starting pitcher that's not white. In Rhode Island! I wonder how Jackie Robinson would regard the state of OB these days?

Jackson pitched six innings and only allowed two runs.

The game was tied at one until the seventh, when the Indians pulled ahead 2-1. The PawSox tied it up in the bottom half of the seventh, then pulled ahead for good...

No, that's all wrong. The game was tied at one until the sixth, when Garin Cecchini hit an RBI single. The Indians tied it in the seventh, but the PawSox pulled ahead for good in the bottom of that inning. Doesn't that sound like something you'd do to check for gentleman cancer? THIS MAY, PULL A HEAD FOR GOOD!

What's with all the caps? I'M VERY INTERESTED IN SHOUTING. I'M MORE INTERESTING THAN A WET PUSSYCAT!

Seventh inning, Daniel Nava hit an RBI single. He did it for Jesus.

two things:
1. Ryan Lavarnway went 3-4. Ryan Roberts doubled. I'm more interesting than both those guys combined.

2. Read this informative article about Jay Jackson.

I wish I had a better outlet for my creativity than this PawSox junk. I need a real hobby.

5.2.2014 Pawtucket v Indianapolis - The Eighth

Pawtucket wins, 6-1. Win goes to Alex Wilson. Daniel Nava hit a grand slam.

Starting pitcher for the Indians was Jake Brigham, who pitched seven great innings. Loss goes to Daniel Schlereth, former Mud Hen, who ruined everything by giving up three runs and not getting anyone out.

The game was tied 1-1 until the eighth inning, when the PawSox scored five runs.

Starting pitcher Brandon Workman pitched 5 2/3, gave up one run on four hits and K'd 8. Excellent.

See you... Later?

5.1.14 Pawtucket Red Sox (BOS) v Indianapolis Indians (PIT) - Why quickly?

Indians take it, 3-2. The game was only seven innings long, called on account of fog. The fog was extraordinary, heavy with the sea, smelled of mollusks and ruffled sandy seaweed.

Sorry I was gone so long. I didn't really want to come back but my domain name came up for renewal so what the heck. Besides, I could really do some damage this season.

Starting pitcher for the Pawtuckets was Matt Barnes and his exciting right arm. Barnes pitched five innings, gave up one run and K'd six. Have you seen his picture? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF TOUGH GUY? Barnes was in place for the win, but it was such a tight game and then Dalier Hinjosa blew the save and so forth.

Lefty Jeff Locke started for Indianapolis. He's still hanging around? Locke pitched like two innings then I guess decided he had something better to do. No, I don't know what happened.

In the bottom of the second inning, Alex Hassan hit an RBI single. Brock Holt led off the third inning with a single. That's when Locke was replaced on the mound by Phil Irwin, a big-shot movie producer. No, Irwin's a righty who says crap like "Watching the closing ceremonies, I hate when the Olympics end. Congrats to all the USA athletes for doing such a good job!" and retweets Jesus. And lo, Ryan Lavarnway hit an RBI double. 2-0 Red Sox.

The Indians hopped up on the board in the fifth inning by way of a sac fly. And then, sixth inning, Gregory Polcanco tripled to center. Andrew Lambo followed with a home run to pull ahead 3-2.

Vin Mazzaro got the last out of the game. It was the bottom of the seventh and Mazzaro got one out and then everybody realized you couldn't see the ball any more. I'll bet Jeff Levering loved this game.

two things about Matt Barnes:
1. "His fastball touches 98, but he relies on it a little too much. He has a good curveball, an average change-up, and he is likely to develop a fourth pitch. (Cutter or Slider) He has the ability to maintain velocity deep into starts, and he has good command."

2.  "He's a big horse of a guy, and the arm is definitely something to work with. I saw him both in warm ups and the game. He carried himself like a pro and even though his line that day was simply decent, he looked like a man among little leaguers."

(from)

also:

1. Drake Britton was called up. 

TONIGHT. More Pirates minor league stuff. Indianapolis will start Jake Brigham, PawSox will present Brandon Workman. Should be a beautiful night, unless you're sitting near loud racists.